Venting Obsessed with a girl

[cockburglar]

when i was in high school i developed a huge crush on a girl that i would often pass by in the halls. I graduated but the thought and infatuation of her lingered well after. Three years pass and I still think about her, fantasizing about her, imagining a life where we had met and were in a loving relationship. That started fading when I got a job, met some people and actually met a new girl I was developing some feelings for. I had finally begun leaving my fantasy behind. BUT ONE NIGHT, small fucking world, i learned through social media that my friend at the time was actually dating the girl I was already starting to forget. And in an instant everything came rushing back, the fantasies, the infatuation, the curiosity, I had completely lost any and all interest I had with this new girl at work and immediately I felt an intense ache of wanting to manipulate some kind of scenario where I could meet her. It scared me just how intense these feelings and delusions were, I resented and began harming myself, and over time I developed very negative feelings associated with attraction and infatuation. I think it's disgusting and dangerous even. Some time passes, they end their relationship, but my obsession never ended. Recently I saw her again, she came to my workplace a few weeks ago, (small fucking world again) I recognized her right away. Didn't speak to her, and I didn't really feel any kind of way when i saw her either. I'm fully aware that this random woman is a nobody to me and that my delusions are all my problem but thats exactly why I'm typing this out. I don't know how to make it stop, where to even begin or what to even do with myself.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's called limerance. Very common among neurodivergents, which a lot of suicidal people are and may not know it.

Limerence: A Survival Guide - The Oxford Blue

Joel Fernandez gives us a crucial insight into the difference between love and obsession, educating us on the condition of 'limerence'.

theoxfordblue.co.uk

I used to get it really bad when I was younger. Pure torture. Luckily, it doesn't manifest as often or as easily now that I am older.

 

[Whale_bones]

You recognize that these are your thoughts and fantasies rather than reality, and you're not blaming your thoughts or feelings on the woman. You didn't take any actions that would affect her badly. With this grounding, I think you can try to be more gentle towards yourself.

The article linked in the above comment is a good one, and it makes a good point that the feelings themselves are something you can't help. You can acknowledge that you're experiencing painful longing and that that's not your fault, while still staying mindful of the reality that you don't have any relationship with this person. You don't deserve to resent or harm yourself just because you developed a strong yearning for someone.

On another note entirely, your username is actually killing me. #1 SS username of all time, without doubt.

 

[failureofahuman]

I understand it, I miss a guy I went to high school with too. I keep having dreams about running to him while he's leaving a place so I can talk to him… I think the theme is easy to deduce. I don't have an easy way to get into contact with him, and we wouldn't logically work out for many reasons, but I really admire and want to see him again. He was very good-looking, worked hard on his body, but also very unique. Like a shooting star across the sky I have to hope comes back to earth. He was cheerful and exuberant and passionate. I loved watching him from a distance… If I saw him now I would run up to him and give him a hug out of nowhere.

 

[cockburglar]

It's called limerance. Very common among neurodivergents, which a lot of suicidal people are and may not know it.

Limerence: A Survival Guide - The Oxford Blue

Joel Fernandez gives us a crucial insight into the difference between love and obsession, educating us on the condition of 'limerence'.

theoxfordblue.co.uk

I used to get it really bad when I was younger. Pure torture. Luckily, it doesn't manifest as often or as easily now that I am older.

i had no idea there was something on this, i'll be looking into it. thanks a ton!

You recognize that these are your thoughts and fantasies rather than reality, and you're not blaming your thoughts or feelings on the woman. You didn't take any actions that would affect her badly. With this grounding, I think you can try to be more gentle towards yourself.

The article linked in the above comment is a good one, and it makes a good point that the feelings themselves are something you can't help. You can acknowledge that you're experiencing painful longing and that that's not your fault, while still staying mindful of the reality that you don't have any relationship with this person. You don't deserve to resent or harm yourself just because you developed a strong yearning for someone.

On another note entirely, your username is actually killing me. #1 SS username of all time, without doubt.

i just find it hard to be even remotely nice to myself bc of multiple reasons. but u did point out how my grounded reasoning is reason enough to be more gentle so i'll go w that, thank you for this, i hadn't thought of it that way.

also my names not a joke. check ur pants right now.

I understand it, I miss a guy I went to high school with too. I keep having dreams about running to him while he's leaving a place so I can talk to him… I think the theme is easy to deduce. I don't have an easy way to get into contact with him, and we wouldn't logically work out for many reasons, but I really admire and want to see him again. He was very good-looking, worked hard on his body, but also very unique. Like a shooting star across the sky I have to hope comes back to earth. He was cheerful and exuberant and passionate. I loved watching him from a distance… If I saw him now I would run up to him and give him a hug out of nowhere.

sounds intense, and damn are these feelings so frustrating to have. i also just think that she's the most beautiful girl i'd ever seen, and based on her social media presence she's very bubbly and funny. which only makes my condition worse. but as someone earlier pointed out its most likely something called limerence.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Like MatrixPrisoner mentioned- it sounds very much like Limerence. I'd recommend 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' on YouTube. She's made a few videos on it.

It's something I also feel I suffer with and it ate up maybe 13 years of my life. For me to get it to stop- I found I had to force myself to stop fantasizing about them in a romantic/ sexual way. It isn't easy because that element of it can be so nice but, it's recognising in the long run what damage it does. But yeah- our picture of them isn't real. Or, it's only based loosely on who we think they are. It's more tricky when they do seem to be as wonderful as we imagine they are but- the major thing of course is- we imagine we're with them- when we're not.

I found that stopping feeding this fantasy was the way to wean myself off it. Plus, now I'm much more vigilant with myself. If I feel myself falling for someone again, I try to tell myself that it likely is limerence and I need to be wary not to encourage it. I'm sorry though. It wreaked havoc in my life too.