Venting Obscurity…

[SolomonKado]

I know this may sound selfish, but it's been on my mind from time to time.. I've never seemed to be anyone that sticks out for anyone. I would even do dumb shit just to try and make things a little more exciting. Nothing to get anyone hurt. Just a laugh or two. I could put someone laughing to tears when I wasn't the "me" now…. No matter how long I was anywhere I would easily fall into obscurity.

I would try to put myself out there to make "friends" and just never seemed good enough for anyone. I spent 99% of my time alone. The other 1% was with my dogs….Even when I was around people I felt alone. I never felt like I was supposed to be there because of how people did things. How they treated me. I know it wasn't in my head because of their actions later on. I only learned to be fearful of being around others, but still tried to be their support…

I only wanted company because I knew what "good" conversations and company was like. Ones that made you want to be around people. Problem is they weren't something constant for me. I've never been really social and struggled with accepting it. Being anti social dreaming of being social is torture…. It's like being alone and seeing happy couples…

My last "real" relationship both of us struggled. At the beginning of the 10 year struggle she said she wasn't good at relationships, but I thought we could grow together. Becoming stronger with time. I wasn't more wrong. A lot of the time I felt it was me and not her because I always wanted to "talk" about everything, but that's what I was always taught in treatment, but it's hard to talk to someone who refuses to…. In the beginning I would try to tell her about my struggles and struggled with her ability to listen. I can't say I was much better. I struggled with always wanting to "fix" others problems so they didn't suffer anymore. When she would vent then I'd try to "fix." At times I'd try to help her with projects and it always seemed like she was competing with me. I just wanted to spend time together. I even asked her to help me on a project I could do myself, but just wanted her around…. A lot of our time together turned into arguments. She was the same in her work area. Very "prideful" of being the person supervisors went to get things done. Problem is she was very mean to others who didn't work like her. At some point I became an alcoholic and that only exacerbated everything. It just sucked going to work and coming home to all kinds of stress. I couldn't relax no matter where I went….I heard she was calling me a narcissist, after she left with her new man that was sleeping in my bed while I was in rehab to get better from alcohol, because I worried so much about what others thought. I just refused to let anyone down and it never sat good with me. I always had to be the person to apologize to people who refused to…

Now I just refuse to be around people. I'd put in lots of work and know that effort is something I struggle with because over time it got me nowhere. I just wanted to be the support people needed. The friend when things got too hard. I used to think that every trauma and pain I went through was to help me connect with people easier and help them through it. Now I feel it's because the universe is telling me I'm not supposed to be here…

I hate more than anything looking people up. Their own personal pages and such. Seeing how I was just lying to myself that I meant something to anyone. Kind of like asking people to hang out just to find out later from someone else they had such a great time with that person over the weekend. That same person they're talking about told me they were busy with "personal things" or chores…. It happened enough that just thinking of it as 1 shitty person was just lying to myself.. it was more me then them…especially now who wants to be around someone so bitter and given up the will to function. My spiral down just keeps getting deeper. Why do I want to be somewhere I'm always going to be alone anyways. People say "hang in there" or "it will get better," but does that mean they are going to walk my path with me to make sure it does?! It's all freaking words because actually "helping" takes effort no one wants to give…. If it was money or my effort I would do anything for anyone just to help their struggle stop. I never used words. There is always a way to put the effort in with someone to help them get out of their hole. I never offered "words of support" if I couldn't back it up 200%.

I know this is all about feeling sorry for myself and all, but this crap hurts along with everything else. That I should just "accept" I'm not a "people person." Then why do I have this deep eating feeling to want to be there for others? To always "do more for others then you do for yourself." To pick others up when they've hit bottom so they don't have to go through what I did. I spent a lot of my time with therapists and psych meds just to fight what I was being forced to be. Just another shadow in the dark…. Why the fuck am I still here?!?! I have the means and yet I freaking still stick around…like I'm a glutton for extreme self punishment…
SSL..

 

[dekayingkong]

you've been in a lot of unfortunate situations that have taken a fat toll on you. If i was in your shoes i too would feel like the stars were aligning just to fk me in the ass, but we are merely the victims of circumstance. (some more than others) I hear most introverts still have the need for socializing, which can seem like a dilemma while it is only true that you have to put yourself out there in order to meet people.
Hoping a miracle comes your way