Venting numbness

[bbye111]

I seem to vent a lot here now haha, i apologize if i turn out whiny, but i feel like expressing myself here. it's a very comforting platform knowing that most people here would understand.

anyone felt two types of numbness already? First one feels like emptiness, while the other feels like everything's fine where clearly it's not. I've been feeling these two only. In times where I should care, I tend to come out insensitive, where in fact I just can't seem to grasp what's wrong. Sometimes I do know, but i don't feel it, it feels traitorous and like my feelings are already broken. I feel completely apathetic. It actually scares me since it gives me no sense of danger. I always feel like floating, absent-minded and away from reality to the point where I've been destructive not only to myself but to others and non-functional already.

There's already a lot going on and a mind that refuses to be quiet and is dysfunctional isn't helping. I just want to be gone already. its so noisy in here...

 

[juraviel]

it's possible to just feel nothing at all as well. as in, have no desires, no personality and unable to make decisions. i'm proof of that. so worry not, you still have feelings

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah definitely. I used to be such a motivated person. Even when it was things I didn't want to do- the guilt of doing nothing would make me work. Now, I REALLY need to find a new job. I wake up SO worried in the morning but then, I just alternate through the rest of the day- feeling worried, desperate and so unhappy but at the same time, I'm just SO lethargic. Where it counts- job hunting and doing an online course and other responsibilities- I just don't care. I do a small amount of work and end up back on here.

I don't really know what I'm trying to do to myself- back myself into a corner where I have no money left and HAVE to do something about it maybe. That terrifies me on the one hand but on the other- I don't care.

More and more stuff around the place is breaking and I don't care about that either! I just want to get through what time there is left with as little effort as possible until I can CTB. (Waiting for my Dad to go first.)

Of course- it's SO unwise though. I might have to wait years- in which case- I'm making things so much worse for mysef now.

I'm sorry you feel this way too. I don't think I feel the same emptiness quite yet- although I suppose the only feeling I do have is delussional- which isn't much better! I have very few connections now and those that I have are kind of surface level. I've been through a few rounds of limerance (obsessive crushes) in my life and I think I'm half heartedly distracting myself with one now. That ridiculous fairytale idea of love that is never going to happen. It's not really proper feeling though if it's not real I suppose. It just makes it bittersweet.

Just out of curiousity- you don't have to reply if it's too personal but are you on any meds? I know they can numb the senses.

 

[bbye111]

Yeah definitely. I used to be such a motivated person. Even when it was things I didn't want to do- the guilt of doing nothing would make me work. Now, I REALLY need to find a new job. I wake up SO worried in the morning but then, I just alternate through the rest of the day- feeling worried, desperate and so unhappy but at the same time, I'm just SO lethargic. Where it counts- job hunting and doing an online course and other responsibilities- I just don't care. I do a small amount of work and end up back on here.

I don't really know what I'm trying to do to myself- back myself into a corner where I have no money left and HAVE to do something about it maybe. That terrifies me on the one hand but on the other- I don't care.

More and more stuff around the place is breaking and I don't care about that either! I just want to get through what time there is left with as little effort as possible until I can CTB. (Waiting for my Dad to go first.)

Of course- it's SO unwise though. I might have to wait years- in which case- I'm making things so much worse for mysef now.

I'm sorry you feel this way too. I don't think I feel the same emptiness quite yet- although I suppose the only feeling I do have is delussional- which isn't much better! I have very few connections now and those that I have are kind of surface level. I've been through a few rounds of limerance (obsessive crushes) in my life and I think I'm half heartedly distracting myself with one now. That ridiculous fairytale idea of love that is never going to happen. It's not really proper feeling though if it's not real I suppose. It just makes it bittersweet.

Just out of curiousity- you don't have to reply if it's too personal but are you on any meds? I know they can numb the senses.

i get you, i feel the same way as you do. im also just waiting to ctb, i found a partner and were about to do it by feb. and no im not on meds, although i do have some from before, but i dont take them anymore.