numbing out vs. feeling sad

[nomorefight]

I have been numb for a while, probably since I was put on antidepressants. with social distancing though I have began to feel things again and quite honestly I hate it. I think it is loneliness that brings out the feelings. I no longer am having to put up some front so everyone thinks I'm happy because I am not interacting with anyone. I am quarantined with my roommate, and don't get me wrong she is my best friend, but I have seen her literally every day since spring semester started in January. I have come to realize that she is able to talk to me when she is upset but the second I have any emotions or feelings or whatever she shys away. I can't talk to her about the real stuff. She will easily engage in gossip or whatever but I just Im lonely. And I know she is tired of all the negative energy coming from me. And I know she would freak about how much I want to ctb. I just don't know how to do it anymore I have no clue how I had been doing it. I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I cannot stop crying. This is rare for me because I hate being touched, but all I want right now is to just kinda be held I guess.

I hate feeling things, I miss when I couldn't feel a thing. I cannot stand the feeling of the sadness sitting in my chest. I miss being so busy that I don't have the time to think about how I am feeling. I kept myself so busy at the start of spring semester that I was able to stop therapy because that hour needed to be used elsewhere. during breaks I normally turn to alcohol or xanax (or both) but because of some stupid medical reasons Im not allowed either. weed hasn't helped me either, only intensifying emotions and then making me hungry which makes me eat which also makes me feel worse.

I used to hate the numbness that took over my body, but now I just want it back so badly. I would give anything to just stop fucking crying

 

[faust]

The more I live, the more I see that the same issues people face can be approached in a totally different way.
Things that we remember are memories not of the events but of how we felt then.
I did same comparison a few days ago when I drank half of Olanzapine. And the thing is that I would not like to experience that again. Yes, I had been taking olanzapine before, but now I cannot imagine living on it because it causes restless tiredness, a feeling which is different than when you have anxiety. Everything that used to help now does not help me (except for weed). I think we can determine what is better only when we have real time comparisons, not memories. Try to estimate what makes you feel better or find the least unpleasant thing. Numbness is a bad sign, if you are still feeling something, it can be painful, but you will be sure you are still alive. I have anhedonia and it feels like I am already dead, would like to start feeling but guess this is no longer possible.

 

[willitpass]

I have been numb for a while, probably since I was put on antidepressants. with social distancing though I have began to feel things again and quite honestly I hate it. I think it is loneliness that brings out the feelings. I no longer am having to put up some front so everyone thinks I'm happy because I am not interacting with anyone. I am quarantined with my roommate, and don't get me wrong she is my best friend, but I have seen her literally every day since spring semester started in January. I have come to realize that she is able to talk to me when she is upset but the second I have any emotions or feelings or whatever she shys away. I can't talk to her about the real stuff. She will easily engage in gossip or whatever but I just Im lonely. And I know she is tired of all the negative energy coming from me. And I know she would freak about how much I want to ctb. I just don't know how to do it anymore I have no clue how I had been doing it. I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I cannot stop crying. This is rare for me because I hate being touched, but all I want right now is to just kinda be held I guess.

I hate feeling things, I miss when I couldn't feel a thing. I cannot stand the feeling of the sadness sitting in my chest. I miss being so busy that I don't have the time to think about how I am feeling. I kept myself so busy at the start of spring semester that I was able to stop therapy because that hour needed to be used elsewhere. during breaks I normally turn to alcohol or xanax (or both) but because of some stupid medical reasons Im not allowed either. weed hasn't helped me either, only intensifying emotions and then making me hungry which makes me eat which also makes me feel worse.

I used to hate the numbness that took over my body, but now I just want it back so badly. I would give anything to just stop fucking crying

my one good friend has been shying away from me too, through quarantine. i'm just too sad. i'll tell her some of how i feel and she'll respond but she won't tell me any of how she feels. and if i try to say anything more light hearted she just gives bland responses. i think i'm becoming too much for her. i understand, i get that it's a lot to handle, i'm not blaming her, it's just lonely

 

[X-Kid]

Similar boat here. Best friend since 6th grade hasn't been around but still has time for his lady friend even though he's gay. He can be alone for a while and apparently doesn't get depressed. I get lonely if I go over a week or so with out seeing my friends. My other friends are busy too

 

[kukookat90]

I have been numb for a while, probably since I was put on antidepressants. with social distancing though I have began to feel things again and quite honestly I hate it. I think it is loneliness that brings out the feelings. I no longer am having to put up some front so everyone thinks I'm happy because I am not interacting with anyone. I am quarantined with my roommate, and don't get me wrong she is my best friend, but I have seen her literally every day since spring semester started in January. I have come to realize that she is able to talk to me when she is upset but the second I have any emotions or feelings or whatever she shys away. I can't talk to her about the real stuff. She will easily engage in gossip or whatever but I just Im lonely. And I know she is tired of all the negative energy coming from me. And I know she would freak about how much I want to ctb. I just don't know how to do it anymore I have no clue how I had been doing it. I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I cannot stop crying. This is rare for me because I hate being touched, but all I want right now is to just kinda be held I guess.

I hate feeling things, I miss when I couldn't feel a thing. I cannot stand the feeling of the sadness sitting in my chest. I miss being so busy that I don't have the time to think about how I am feeling. I kept myself so busy at the start of spring semester that I was able to stop therapy because that hour needed to be used elsewhere. during breaks I normally turn to alcohol or xanax (or both) but because of some stupid medical reasons Im not allowed either. weed hasn't helped me either, only intensifying emotions and then making me hungry which makes me eat which also makes me feel worse.

I used to hate the numbness that took over my body, but now I just want it back so badly. I would give anything to just stop fucking crying

I know what you mean. I've been numb for a couple months - kind of drifting through everyday in a grey haze. Yesterday I broke down and cried for about 3 hours. Today I've been dealing with anxiety waves and overthinking again. Threw up after eating. Now I'm laying awake and can't sleep because I can't shut my mind up. It all sucks but at least the numbness is....well, numb. I think I'm too cowardly/uncertain to actually move forward with ending it right now, but there is nothing that makes me want to be here right now. I wish Thanos would snap me out.