TheFool
Member
- Oct 19, 2018
- 83
I'm gonna give a super super short version (edit: Lol) because I'm long-winded as fuck. But basically here's my life:
I was born in 1995 in Salt Lake City. Mom and Dad were already divorced, but they got married in the Mormon temple; my dad is a lifelong Mormon, my mom converted after meeting my dad and later was excommunicated (more on that later). They always fought and got married way too young (like my age), so it's no surprise it didn't last. Mom already had one girl from her first marriage and one girl with my dad before me. They both got remarried pretty quick, my dad to my current step mom, and my mom to a pedophile whom she later divorced after having my little brother with him. Then she remarried one more time to my current step dad, had my other little brother, and got her tubes tied. My dad meanwhile had 6 other kids with my step mom, one being a girl, as well as adopting one from my step mom's first marriage, my only older brother.
Now, with that out of the way. I moved so much throughout my childhood. Mom and Dad had joint custody until I was 5. One year with Mom, one year with Dad, and they always lived in different states. Then my mom got full custody when I started kindergarten, we moved to another part of SLC when I was 7 (around when she married my current step dad), again when I was 8, and then at 9 we moved all the way to Ohio to a tiny town called Berlin Center. I cannot stress tiny enough. When I was there the population was less than 2000. Shit hole. After putting up with my abusive step dad for nearly 5 years I convinced my mom to let me move in with my dad.
Then I was indoctrinated into the cult known as Mormonism. The sexual shaming and denial of logic did a number on my already shitty self-esteem. I was committing a sin next to murder for touching my dick according to everyone around me, and on top of that I was constantly criticized for being "too analytical" by my family for having genuine questions about the faith. I was told I was causing problems for the whole family, that I was bringing the spirit of the Devil into their precious home, that they would send me back to my abusive step dad if I didn't behave the way they wanted, and everything I did was restricted based on Mormon rules about what is appropriate. Plus we moved every 2 years because my dad was in the Air Force, so I rarely had a chance to make lasting friendships.
When I was 16 I met some girl at church and pretty much instantly fell in love with her. I never cared about church much before then but now I did because I wanted to impress her, and I was so deluded at that point that I thought God actually put her there for me. I finally told the bishop I was "addicted" to porn and masturbation so I could start the repentance process, and felt like maybe things were finally gonna get better for me. I knew her for about a year before she paid any real attention to me. Basically all the guys from church she liked before were seniors and left, so then when I was 17 I guess it became convenient for her to like me. Of course I convinced myself it was real, and she led me on for the whole school year before I finally caught on. She told me she loved me all the time, how it seemed like fate that we met, etc. She just liked that I stroked her ego by being obsessed with her and she found my antics amusing. Once I became slightly annoying she was mean, and I was dumb enough to keep coming back for more until that summer when I told her to fuck off.
Then I went to BYU, where she also went, with the same major and ROTC scholarship, so we were in a bunch of classes together, and for a short time she continued to fuck with and harass me until I threatened her. Did a whole year there feeling incredibly depressed, always crying, thinking about suicide constantly, not giving a fuck about class. Then I dropped out, and my grandparents were the only ones who would take me, on the condition that I prepare for a Mormon mission. By this time I was pretty disenfranchised from the church, though I hadn't fully rejected it yet. I definitely didn't want to go on a mission though. But I moved in with them anyway, on a farm in a little town in Idaho. I had no friends, no life, nothing other than a shitty full time job spraying trucks. For like 2 years. I did move into my own apartment after about a year, and by then I'd fully decided the church was bullshit, but not much else changed. All I did was go to work, play video games, smoke weed, and cut myself.
Then I moved back to Missouri where I originally graduated high school, my dad moved away after a few months, and I spent another 2 years working shitty factory jobs and being a stoner shut-in. Stopped cutting myself, dropped some acid, started drinking, and not much else changed. And finally, a year ago almost to the day, I decided to move to Chicago to try stand up comedy. I promised myself that if I haven't made it in comedy by the time I'm approaching 30 I'll kill myself. So I drove up here and lived in my car for half the winter, found a job, got a studio apartment, and now, here I am. Only done a few open mics in the whole year because I'm a pussy. Every day is full of self loathing. I'm usually alone and don't do much. So I guess I'm on track to blowing my brains out at the moment.
Anyway, not sure why I felt compelled to write this. I've already written this shit down before, it doesn't seem to make it any better, but fuck it. If anyone cares why I'm here, now you know, more or less.
I was born in 1995 in Salt Lake City. Mom and Dad were already divorced, but they got married in the Mormon temple; my dad is a lifelong Mormon, my mom converted after meeting my dad and later was excommunicated (more on that later). They always fought and got married way too young (like my age), so it's no surprise it didn't last. Mom already had one girl from her first marriage and one girl with my dad before me. They both got remarried pretty quick, my dad to my current step mom, and my mom to a pedophile whom she later divorced after having my little brother with him. Then she remarried one more time to my current step dad, had my other little brother, and got her tubes tied. My dad meanwhile had 6 other kids with my step mom, one being a girl, as well as adopting one from my step mom's first marriage, my only older brother.
Now, with that out of the way. I moved so much throughout my childhood. Mom and Dad had joint custody until I was 5. One year with Mom, one year with Dad, and they always lived in different states. Then my mom got full custody when I started kindergarten, we moved to another part of SLC when I was 7 (around when she married my current step dad), again when I was 8, and then at 9 we moved all the way to Ohio to a tiny town called Berlin Center. I cannot stress tiny enough. When I was there the population was less than 2000. Shit hole. After putting up with my abusive step dad for nearly 5 years I convinced my mom to let me move in with my dad.
Then I was indoctrinated into the cult known as Mormonism. The sexual shaming and denial of logic did a number on my already shitty self-esteem. I was committing a sin next to murder for touching my dick according to everyone around me, and on top of that I was constantly criticized for being "too analytical" by my family for having genuine questions about the faith. I was told I was causing problems for the whole family, that I was bringing the spirit of the Devil into their precious home, that they would send me back to my abusive step dad if I didn't behave the way they wanted, and everything I did was restricted based on Mormon rules about what is appropriate. Plus we moved every 2 years because my dad was in the Air Force, so I rarely had a chance to make lasting friendships.
When I was 16 I met some girl at church and pretty much instantly fell in love with her. I never cared about church much before then but now I did because I wanted to impress her, and I was so deluded at that point that I thought God actually put her there for me. I finally told the bishop I was "addicted" to porn and masturbation so I could start the repentance process, and felt like maybe things were finally gonna get better for me. I knew her for about a year before she paid any real attention to me. Basically all the guys from church she liked before were seniors and left, so then when I was 17 I guess it became convenient for her to like me. Of course I convinced myself it was real, and she led me on for the whole school year before I finally caught on. She told me she loved me all the time, how it seemed like fate that we met, etc. She just liked that I stroked her ego by being obsessed with her and she found my antics amusing. Once I became slightly annoying she was mean, and I was dumb enough to keep coming back for more until that summer when I told her to fuck off.
Then I went to BYU, where she also went, with the same major and ROTC scholarship, so we were in a bunch of classes together, and for a short time she continued to fuck with and harass me until I threatened her. Did a whole year there feeling incredibly depressed, always crying, thinking about suicide constantly, not giving a fuck about class. Then I dropped out, and my grandparents were the only ones who would take me, on the condition that I prepare for a Mormon mission. By this time I was pretty disenfranchised from the church, though I hadn't fully rejected it yet. I definitely didn't want to go on a mission though. But I moved in with them anyway, on a farm in a little town in Idaho. I had no friends, no life, nothing other than a shitty full time job spraying trucks. For like 2 years. I did move into my own apartment after about a year, and by then I'd fully decided the church was bullshit, but not much else changed. All I did was go to work, play video games, smoke weed, and cut myself.
Then I moved back to Missouri where I originally graduated high school, my dad moved away after a few months, and I spent another 2 years working shitty factory jobs and being a stoner shut-in. Stopped cutting myself, dropped some acid, started drinking, and not much else changed. And finally, a year ago almost to the day, I decided to move to Chicago to try stand up comedy. I promised myself that if I haven't made it in comedy by the time I'm approaching 30 I'll kill myself. So I drove up here and lived in my car for half the winter, found a job, got a studio apartment, and now, here I am. Only done a few open mics in the whole year because I'm a pussy. Every day is full of self loathing. I'm usually alone and don't do much. So I guess I'm on track to blowing my brains out at the moment.
Anyway, not sure why I felt compelled to write this. I've already written this shit down before, it doesn't seem to make it any better, but fuck it. If anyone cares why I'm here, now you know, more or less.
