My brother recently killed himself, it was a major shock to me and everyone in my family. I had planned and even attempted to ctb like 3-4 years ago and didn't really know why I was so inclined towards it, but now it's completely clear to me, I've never been able to like myself or accept myself and that is very likely due to the fact that I - and now I can say this confidently - NEVER have felt genuinely accepted or loved. And the same goes for my brother. I've always made to feel wrong and abnormal it's so bad and hardwired in me now that a big part of my mind is still telling me that I'm just a spoilt selfish brat and I am doing this to get attention or to act like a victim, but now I know for sure that that's anything but the truth. When you look at my life from an outsider's perspective you'd also feel that I'm faking all this and that I have always been loved and accepted, well that's what I've thought for as long as I can remember, because on the surface level people seem to genuinely enjoy me but the reality is that I've never been taken seriously or looked as a normal guy, I've recently realised that I've always been the guy with stupid and pointless ideas or abnormal thoughts, goals, behaviour, desires and likes or whatever. Basically people kept a distance from me because I was thought of as the things I just mentioned, including everyone in my family. Truly I am just torturing myself by going through all this and still feeling that it's all my fault. Now that my brother is no more here I have absolutely no one that I genuinely feel close to or someone that doesn't think of me as some abnormal fuck up. I have tried and tried as hard as I could or any way that I could to feel good about myself or feel like I'm okay and feel like the person sitting next to me looks at me like their equal, but I've just realised all that was completely useless, there is probably something wrong with me, I have never felt happy in my entire life, I've always have felt like an outsider and all I've been doing my actual WHOLE life is to try to join or fit in or feel like I belong, essentially not feel like an outsider. I know my brother was going though the same thing.
Sorry I'll come to the point, I feel bad for my parents right now, I mean I'm living in actual hell but I feel bad for my parents regarding my death. But I've been telling myself that it's my life first and it's actual pointless torture to continue, And I've reached my breaking point or revelation or whatever, I'm tired as well as face to face with the truth now, it's not going to get better.
Sorry I'll come to the point, I feel bad for my parents right now, I mean I'm living in actual hell but I feel bad for my parents regarding my death. But I've been telling myself that it's my life first and it's actual pointless torture to continue, And I've reached my breaking point or revelation or whatever, I'm tired as well as face to face with the truth now, it's not going to get better.
