sillyprincessmeow
Member
- Jul 21, 2022
- 35
(dont know if this is needed but like.. trigger warning)
I haven't posted in a while but here I am. I kind of forgot about this website but i just remembered; as it says, nothings changed. I'm still with my boyfriend and he's still a piece of garbage. i thought i was getting better but everything has seemed to get bad again. I'm thinking about committing suicide. i have been for a while. I've written another note.. probably wont have the balls to actually do it but you never know. I found an old rope in my room i made a couple years ago at a fair.. if things get worse i might use it tonight. thought i threw it away so i used a belt for my attempt a few months ago. my boyfriend wasnt even there for me when i attempted. obviously it failed. i don't really know how to hang myself per se. i tried putting the belt in my dresser but it kept sliding out. i doubt i can use the bar in my closet, its a thin metal and i dont think it would work. though it is holding like 15+ lbs. of clothes right now lol. if i tied the rope or belt around it and knelt maybe it would work. seems a little scary though. as much as i wanna end it, pain is my biggest fear. i cant overdose because i cant swallow pills. i used to have to take birth control pills, iron, and Accutane before i got iv last fall and got my birth control implant and finished my first round of Accutane (i only took like 5 pills out of like 100 because they're GINORMOUS). whenever i think about pills it makes me wanna throw the hell up! anyway, my health is back to normal (for the most part) im no longer anemic so i can work out now which is nice but im sick with a cold. really lame.
anyway, ive been feeling really... worthless. my boyfriend still isnt nice at all. i have to beg for respect. (also dont tell me to leave him and that other stuff, i know i should but right now i just wanna vent and get comforted [something he never does] which may sound stupid but oh well, trust me ive heard all the advice but i no longer want to). he's texting me like "u alive baby?" "u good?"... god he must not really care if thats all he has to say about me wanting to end my life. i told him how his narcissistic abuse is genuinely causing me brain damage and he acted like he would change but he hasn't.. I'm really confused. All I wanted was love. I'm beginning to think im not worthy of love. There have been so many restless nights because of him. We've been dating since September 17th 2021 and he still hasnt changed. is it my fault? am i not good enough? maybe im not pretty enough. i dont think i fall into the beauty standard society has created. that makes me sad. i just wanna be desirable. my boyfriend says im the problem, he says hes so mean because of me. it doesnt make sense. he says i insult him (not denying because i do) but he does it as well.. he starts shit and does very stupid things and doesnt stop. i mean of course you would call someone stupid if they never learned. (based on this logic im stupid too. staying with someone who doesnt really care)
he acts like just because he spends money on me (like probably close to 700 in total but i think im overestimating) i should know he loves me. hes cheated on me, lied, abused, assualted.. done everything in the book to me. of course i dont believe him when he says he loves me. (I just texted him back, its 1:58 pm. l wonder if he'll respond before i post this.. oh he did two mins later. "why"...... goodness is that all he can say?) i really just wanna be loved. im so exhausted. thoughts of suicide fill my head. day by day im closer to ending it.
i hate myself so much. i dont think anyone would understand. i feel rage toward myself. looking in the mirror makes me cry sometimes. i hate looking at my body. i think im the ugliest person in the world. i doubt anyone would ever wanna be with me, including my boyfriend. i have vivid thoughts and ideations of mutilating my body. i hit myself a lot and i cut myself. i wanna rip my chest off and i wanna gouge my eyes out. i wanna be ripped apart until im a puddle of meat and blood on the floor. if anything i wanna cut myself so deep and watch the blood pour out of my body. i feel as if im going insane. my boyfriend certainly thinks im crazy.. because i cry when hes mean to me ....???!! (i think hes the crazy one, i mean his family certainly is 0_0)
i just really wanna die. im not very happy. all i wanna do is chill and get high but i cant all because of my friend. she made me spend 80$ in a week because she drained my cart a day after i bought it so i ahd to get ANOTHER and then she tried stealing it but it fell into a hole in her bag and broke. she also fucking cracked my phone i let her borrow and tried stealing my bike and left it on the side of the road. she is so incompenet and talking about her makes me so aggravted. shes not a good friend at all. she steals and lies. good thing shes going to rehab. she owes me over $80 but im being generous and making ti only $50.. god i hate being nice.
theres so much more bullshit going on and so many more horrifying feelings, but i dont think i should write more. not like anything i say really matters to anyone yk. oh well, might kill myself tonight. on the edge of finally doing it. i have nothing to live for anyway..
tl;dr my bf still sucks and i wanna die, my friends suck and i hate myself more than anything
im not inherently excited for replies to this, i dont know what i expect (i expect to be insulted and torn apart tbh) i just hope everyone is nice and stuff idk. i think im gonna make more posts here.. use it as a bit of a diary? i dont know, i just like the idea of people being able to hear my issues without really knowing me and im sorry if you find this or myself stupid.
I haven't posted in a while but here I am. I kind of forgot about this website but i just remembered; as it says, nothings changed. I'm still with my boyfriend and he's still a piece of garbage. i thought i was getting better but everything has seemed to get bad again. I'm thinking about committing suicide. i have been for a while. I've written another note.. probably wont have the balls to actually do it but you never know. I found an old rope in my room i made a couple years ago at a fair.. if things get worse i might use it tonight. thought i threw it away so i used a belt for my attempt a few months ago. my boyfriend wasnt even there for me when i attempted. obviously it failed. i don't really know how to hang myself per se. i tried putting the belt in my dresser but it kept sliding out. i doubt i can use the bar in my closet, its a thin metal and i dont think it would work. though it is holding like 15+ lbs. of clothes right now lol. if i tied the rope or belt around it and knelt maybe it would work. seems a little scary though. as much as i wanna end it, pain is my biggest fear. i cant overdose because i cant swallow pills. i used to have to take birth control pills, iron, and Accutane before i got iv last fall and got my birth control implant and finished my first round of Accutane (i only took like 5 pills out of like 100 because they're GINORMOUS). whenever i think about pills it makes me wanna throw the hell up! anyway, my health is back to normal (for the most part) im no longer anemic so i can work out now which is nice but im sick with a cold. really lame.
anyway, ive been feeling really... worthless. my boyfriend still isnt nice at all. i have to beg for respect. (also dont tell me to leave him and that other stuff, i know i should but right now i just wanna vent and get comforted [something he never does] which may sound stupid but oh well, trust me ive heard all the advice but i no longer want to). he's texting me like "u alive baby?" "u good?"... god he must not really care if thats all he has to say about me wanting to end my life. i told him how his narcissistic abuse is genuinely causing me brain damage and he acted like he would change but he hasn't.. I'm really confused. All I wanted was love. I'm beginning to think im not worthy of love. There have been so many restless nights because of him. We've been dating since September 17th 2021 and he still hasnt changed. is it my fault? am i not good enough? maybe im not pretty enough. i dont think i fall into the beauty standard society has created. that makes me sad. i just wanna be desirable. my boyfriend says im the problem, he says hes so mean because of me. it doesnt make sense. he says i insult him (not denying because i do) but he does it as well.. he starts shit and does very stupid things and doesnt stop. i mean of course you would call someone stupid if they never learned. (based on this logic im stupid too. staying with someone who doesnt really care)
he acts like just because he spends money on me (like probably close to 700 in total but i think im overestimating) i should know he loves me. hes cheated on me, lied, abused, assualted.. done everything in the book to me. of course i dont believe him when he says he loves me. (I just texted him back, its 1:58 pm. l wonder if he'll respond before i post this.. oh he did two mins later. "why"...... goodness is that all he can say?) i really just wanna be loved. im so exhausted. thoughts of suicide fill my head. day by day im closer to ending it.
i hate myself so much. i dont think anyone would understand. i feel rage toward myself. looking in the mirror makes me cry sometimes. i hate looking at my body. i think im the ugliest person in the world. i doubt anyone would ever wanna be with me, including my boyfriend. i have vivid thoughts and ideations of mutilating my body. i hit myself a lot and i cut myself. i wanna rip my chest off and i wanna gouge my eyes out. i wanna be ripped apart until im a puddle of meat and blood on the floor. if anything i wanna cut myself so deep and watch the blood pour out of my body. i feel as if im going insane. my boyfriend certainly thinks im crazy.. because i cry when hes mean to me ....???!! (i think hes the crazy one, i mean his family certainly is 0_0)
i just really wanna die. im not very happy. all i wanna do is chill and get high but i cant all because of my friend. she made me spend 80$ in a week because she drained my cart a day after i bought it so i ahd to get ANOTHER and then she tried stealing it but it fell into a hole in her bag and broke. she also fucking cracked my phone i let her borrow and tried stealing my bike and left it on the side of the road. she is so incompenet and talking about her makes me so aggravted. shes not a good friend at all. she steals and lies. good thing shes going to rehab. she owes me over $80 but im being generous and making ti only $50.. god i hate being nice.
theres so much more bullshit going on and so many more horrifying feelings, but i dont think i should write more. not like anything i say really matters to anyone yk. oh well, might kill myself tonight. on the edge of finally doing it. i have nothing to live for anyway..
tl;dr my bf still sucks and i wanna die, my friends suck and i hate myself more than anything
im not inherently excited for replies to this, i dont know what i expect (i expect to be insulted and torn apart tbh) i just hope everyone is nice and stuff idk. i think im gonna make more posts here.. use it as a bit of a diary? i dont know, i just like the idea of people being able to hear my issues without really knowing me and im sorry if you find this or myself stupid.
