Help Nothing will ever be any different. There's no un-fucking myself now. Wish I could order a shotgun through Amazon, so I could blow my brains out.

[Imaginos]

I have no friends. I have no one I can talk to online. I am not a part of any communities. I have nothing. And it's always been this way. I can't experience anything the same way others can. I'm a permanent outcast of anything and everything. And the reason for that comes down to the fact that a part of myself wants to stay separate from everything. Beyond my sizable social retardation, nothing good can come from befriending others. It'll sour just like everything always does, so why bother? I wish it were that simple, but I'm also terribly lonely. I'm sick of existing in a complete vacuum, but I've spent so long like this that I don't know how else to be. The end result is that I'm internally tortured all the time. I endure the terrible pain I feel every moment I'm awake. I'm trapped in a prison of my own making and I keep thinking how I've lost the key, but, in fact, there was never a door out to begin with.

The internet is a place I've always felt lost in. Even now, I still feel totally out of the loop. I'll admit that too much about it irritates me. It seems that everywhere is infested with internet point bullshit and cliquey popularity contests. People arguing, kowtowing and conforming to one another. Even the most niche anonymous message boards are like this to some extent. I'm too socially retarded to navigate or even want to play these kinds of stupid games and yet they're fucking everywhere. I honestly don't know where or how this can ever be any different. The internet is no different than real life now. Maybe in my case though, it never was. I'm adrift from everything and anything.

I've pushed people away my entire life. People who were nice to me and could have been my friend. I was too afraid and I always ran away. Each time fearing it would go badly and that they'd eventually hate me, or that I'd get hurt. Now it's too late. Now there's no one left. I haven't spoken with anyone on my own in nearly 15 years. That's how long I've been stuck like this. My life is a nightmare I keep waking up into every day. Nobody gives a flying fuck about anyone. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking caressssssssssssssss. God damn, how unspeakably painful it is to know that no one will ever care. And why should they? I have nothing to offer to anyone, so that effectively means I'm less than dirt. Nothing good will ever happen. I have nearly 30 years of past experience to attest to this. If I had access to a gun, I would blow my brains out pretty much immediately.

For what it's worth, that's the only suicide method I can consider. Everything else is too long. Everyone recommends taking shit like Sodium Nitrite, but I have a phobia against taking drugs. A shotgun in my mouth with buckshot loaded will be instantaneous. I don't know how to get a shotgun though and it's the sort of thing that seems impossible unless you live in the US. Has anyone ever successfully ordered a gun through the darknet?

 

[StateOfMind]

Has anyone ever successfully ordered a gun through the darknet?

Any good information on this is the only thing that could make me reconsider my train method.
I haven't looked into it much but assume if your in Europe the chances are it might get confiscated along the way.
But this is only a hunch.

 

[olieolieoxenfree]

I have no friends. I have no one I can talk to online. I am not a part of any communities. I have nothing. And it's always been this way. I can't experience anything the same way others can. I'm a permanent outcast of anything and everything. And the reason for that comes down to the fact that a part of myself wants to stay separate from everything. Beyond my sizable social retardation, nothing good can come from befriending others. It'll sour just like everything always does, so why bother? I wish it were that simple, but I'm also terribly lonely. I'm sick of existing in a complete vacuum, but I've spent so long like this that I don't know how else to be. The end result is that I'm internally tortured all the time. I endure the terrible pain I feel every moment I'm awake. I'm trapped in a prison of my own making and I keep thinking how I've lost the key, but, in fact, there was never a door out to begin with.

The internet is a place I've always felt lost in. Even now, I still feel totally out of the loop. I'll admit that too much about it irritates me. It seems that everywhere is infested with internet point bullshit and cliquey popularity contests. People arguing, kowtowing and conforming to one another. Even the most niche anonymous message boards are like this to some extent. I'm too socially retarded to navigate or even want to play these kinds of stupid games and yet they're fucking everywhere. I honestly don't know where or how this can ever be any different. The internet is no different than real life now. Maybe in my case though, it never was. I'm adrift from everything and anything.

I've pushed people away my entire life. People who were nice to me and could have been my friend. I was too afraid and I always ran away. Each time fearing it would go badly and that they'd eventually hate me, or that I'd get hurt. Now it's too late. Now there's no one left. I haven't spoken with anyone on my own in nearly 15 years. That's how long I've been stuck like this. My life is a nightmare I keep waking up into every day. Nobody gives a flying fuck about anyone. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking caressssssssssssssss. God damn, how unspeakably painful it is to know that no one will ever care. And why should they? I have nothing to offer to anyone, so that effectively means I'm less than dirt. Nothing good will ever happen. I have nearly 30 years of past experience to attest to this. If I had access to a gun, I would blow my brains out pretty much immediately.

For what it's worth, that's the only suicide method I can consider. Everything else is too long. Everyone recommends taking shit like Sodium Nitrite, but I have a phobia against taking drugs. A shotgun in my mouth with buckshot loaded will be instantaneous. I don't know how to get a shotgun though and it's the sort of thing that seems impossible unless you live in the US. Has anyone ever successfully ordered a gun through the darknet?

Why would you order a shotgun on Amazon? Is that possible? Every local sporting goods store worth their salt would have a gun that would do the job

 

[JigsawFeelin]

I have no friends. I have no one I can talk to online. I am not a part of any communities. I have nothing. And it's always been this way. I can't experience anything the same way others can. I'm a permanent outcast of anything and everything. And the reason for that comes down to the fact that a part of myself wants to stay separate from everything. Beyond my sizable social retardation, nothing good can come from befriending others. It'll sour just like everything always does, so why bother? I wish it were that simple, but I'm also terribly lonely. I'm sick of existing in a complete vacuum, but I've spent so long like this that I don't know how else to be. The end result is that I'm internally tortured all the time. I endure the terrible pain I feel every moment I'm awake. I'm trapped in a prison of my own making and I keep thinking how I've lost the key, but, in fact, there was never a door out to begin with.

The internet is a place I've always felt lost in. Even now, I still feel totally out of the loop. I'll admit that too much about it irritates me. It seems that everywhere is infested with internet point bullshit and cliquey popularity contests. People arguing, kowtowing and conforming to one another. Even the most niche anonymous message boards are like this to some extent. I'm too socially retarded to navigate or even want to play these kinds of stupid games and yet they're fucking everywhere. I honestly don't know where or how this can ever be any different. The internet is no different than real life now. Maybe in my case though, it never was. I'm adrift from everything and anything.

I've pushed people away my entire life. People who were nice to me and could have been my friend. I was too afraid and I always ran away. Each time fearing it would go badly and that they'd eventually hate me, or that I'd get hurt. Now it's too late. Now there's no one left. I haven't spoken with anyone on my own in nearly 15 years. That's how long I've been stuck like this. My life is a nightmare I keep waking up into every day. Nobody gives a flying fuck about anyone. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking caressssssssssssssss. God damn, how unspeakably painful it is to know that no one will ever care. And why should they? I have nothing to offer to anyone, so that effectively means I'm less than dirt. Nothing good will ever happen. I have nearly 30 years of past experience to attest to this. If I had access to a gun, I would blow my brains out pretty much immediately.

For what it's worth, that's the only suicide method I can consider. Everything else is too long. Everyone recommends taking shit like Sodium Nitrite, but I have a phobia against taking drugs. A shotgun in my mouth with buckshot loaded will be instantaneous. I don't know how to get a shotgun though and it's the sort of thing that seems impossible unless you live in the US. Has anyone ever successfully ordered a gun through the darknet?

I know you can order a gun through the darknet, as I'm the the UK and only the other day something happened on a friend's street involving one.

I think you have a community here, if you want one.
You could try joining the chat, or trying to make friends via the offtopic forum. Not things I've personally tried as I have my community on an anorexia forum...but you can try here.

Try not to beat yourself up so much, you don't sound socially inept to me.

 

[Catlovergirl]

Gosh, I kinda know exactly how u feel even though I haven't experienced ur issues to the bone. I admire your option as it takes guts and glory. However lets just see and wait it out a month and if nothing gets better then we can see what we can do. I'm very open minded and hate that u in this pain.
Gosh, I kinda know exactly how u feel even though I haven't experienced ur issues to the bone. I admire your option as it takes guts and glory. However lets just see and wait it out a month and if nothing gets better then we can see what we can do. I'm very open minded and hate that u in this pain.
This quote from your post id true coz only now at 33 years i have experienced it. '' Nobody gives a flying fuck about anyone. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking caressssssssssssssss. God damn, how unspeakably painful it is to know that no one will ever care''
This quote from your post id true coz only now at 33 years i have experienced it. '' Nobody gives a flying fuck about anyone. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking caressssssssssssssss. God damn, how unspeakably painful it is to know that no one will ever care''

 

[lugerepair]

I'm trapped in a prison of my own making and I keep thinking how I've lost the key,

I've felt like this many times.

 

[Kbeau]

Why would you order a shotgun on Amazon? Is that possible? Every local sporting goods store worth their salt would have a gun that would do the job

Not in every country

 

[Spiral]

Your post speaks to me on so many levels. I can relate. Glad you found this place (SS), you are not alone anymore *hugs*

 

[olieolieoxenfree]

Not in every country

Interesting. I guess I take it for granted living in the best country.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Is there anything I can do to help you?

I mean, you say you don't have any online friends but you have this community! I've met wonderful people here! I even met a member from here IRL!! What about giving SS a shot?

Still, that is your decision and I know you're in a lot of pain...

Anyway, hope you feel better soon.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[justpeachy]

Why would you order a shotgun on Amazon? Is that possible? Every local sporting goods store worth their salt would have a gun that would do the job

No, you can't order a gun through Amazon even in the US. You can however order a gun on many other sites in the US and get them shipped to a local sporting goods store to make sure you have all your valid permits and IDs based on the state and type of gun. You cannot legally get a gun directly shipped to your house, they have to be sent to someone that has a federal firearms license because they have to be the one who runs your background check, etc. Most other countries you can't just walk in a store and same day buy a gun. Thank God for the second amendment here. Now let's hope it's not taken away from us.

 

[Konjac]

So many parts of your post resonated with me- feeling alone to this extent can be so crippling and I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Being from the UK, unfortunately I'm no help when it comes to accessing a gun, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. You've got us here at SS to support you and back you up whenever you need it.

Good luck with everything, my PMs are open if you need to chat at all.

 

[Imaginos]

Any good information on this is the only thing that could make me reconsider my train method.
I haven't looked into it much but assume if your in Europe the chances are it might get confiscated along the way.
But this is only a hunch.

Yes, that's what I'm worried about as well. Even if I could find a vendor on the darknet, it'd probably get intercepted before it got to me and then I'd either go to jail or get some crazy ridiculous fine for trying to acquire a firearm illegally. It'd be nice if one of my relatives happened to be a gun nut, but sadly that isn't the case. Haven't spoken with any of them in nearly 20 years anyway. When I was a kid, the son of our next door neighbor shot himself and committed suicide successfully by doing so, but only because his parents owned guns. Lucky bastard. It's funny though that, relatively speaking, that guy's the kid now and I'm the old bastard. I believe that guy was a teenager when he shot himself, whereas I was like 6-8 years old when it happened. Now here I am almost 30. It's surreal, but also frustrating that we can't all get the exit we desire.

Why would you order a shotgun on Amazon? Is that possible? Every local sporting goods store worth their salt would have a gun that would do the job

I only said I WISHED I could order a gun through Amazon. In reality, only very particular websites would allow that sort of thing and have lots of ID requirements. I'd also assume that even just online ordering of guns as a default is really only possible in the US.

I know you can order a gun through the darknet, as I'm the the UK and only the other day something happened on a friend's street involving one.

I think you have a community here, if you want one.
You could try joining the chat, or trying to make friends via the offtopic forum. Not things I've personally tried as I have my community on an anorexia forum...but you can try here.

Try not to beat yourself up so much, you don't sound socially inept to me.

Really? I wonder how the hell they managed to avoid detection. Was it for crime, or suicide? And yes, I know there's this community, but I don't know. All these problems always come back to myself. I might not sound socially inept, but I very much act and feel that way in basically every regard. My better judgement advises me against trying to do this sort of thing since it's likely to end badly, but then I'm faced with the same heart rending void where I twist about in a vacuum alone and by myself. It's a constant tug of war inside myself and, unfortunately, it usually leads to a stalemate where I continue to do nothing. At the end of the day, I have no idea what I can talk about with anyone. Even in those times where I can manage to enter a conversation, there's a subtle anxiety attached to it and a confounding desire to return to the nothingness I just so desperately wished to escape. To be perfectly honest, I really don't know what it is I want. A couple people I can trust and whom I can feel safe talking to, I guess. It'd also just be nice to have someone to do things with for once in my life. Like play a video game, or something.

Thanks for the rest of your replies, by the way. I just wish I knew how most people can manage to navigate the internet in such a way where they can fulfill their social needs. I literally don't know how to do that. Like I said, I don't lurk anywhere, I don't frequent any websites, and I really don't use the internet for much of anything besides porn and torrents. Most people, even here, at least have somewhere they can call home, or someone they can talk to when they really need it. I don't. Most people, even here, can still manage to surf the internet and have lots of things to look up, or to chat and do things with those they already happen to know. I can't and never have.

 

[Crusader]

I thought it´s so easy to buy a gun in the US.

 

[autisticalex]

True that no one cares.

I would blow my head out in McDonald's if I had a gun. See if no one cares then.

 

[HenryHobkins]

I get a visceral reaction when im around others, i get anxious when i am close to people, both in real life and online. i dont hate people but i hate being around them. And yet im still unbelievably lonely due to my own self-sabotage.

 

[Imaginos]

I thought it´s so easy to buy a gun in the US.

Isn't it? I thought guns were almost like cheap candy in the US, as far as their sheer availability is concerned. In almost any other country, it's basically impossible to get one. If I tried to order a gun through the darknet I'd probably have the police kicking down my door thinking I'm some sort of domestic terrorist, or whatever.

True that no one cares.

That really can't be stressed enough. If there's one firm fact to this world, it's that nobody cares. It's impossible for anyone to care. We're all too wrapped up in our own problems/lives to care about anything else, and I'm certainly no exception. The end result is still the same. And that is that no one fucking cares. I suppose unless it greatly benefits them to do so, but this can hardly be defined as genuine caring.

I would blow my head out in McDonald's if I had a gun. See if no one cares then.

Fair enough. It's certainly true that infamy is one of the only ways to draw people's attention, but even then they don't really care. Ultimately, they just make it about themselves. How horrifying it was for them to see someone shoot themselves, that sort of thing. The actual person that did the deed is mostly irrelevant.

i get anxious when i am close to people, both in real life and online. i dont hate people but i hate being around them. And yet im still unbelievably lonely due to my own self-sabotage.

Same here. Meatspace or cyberspace, it makes very little difference. In my case however, I'd consider myself a misanthrope towards the general public. I'm hateful towards our society and our species, but as far as individuals go, I usually don't have any strong feelings one way or the other. Solitude is what I'm most used to, but loneliness and anhedonia have ravaged the contentedness of it. Interacting with people/communities can stress me out though and get me feeling anxious. In the end, it's like running from one burning house to another.

 

[Into The Void]

There are plenty of other better methods than blowing one's brains out. Choose dignity.

 

[Imaginos]

There are plenty of other better methods than blowing one's brains out. Choose dignity.

Well, I for one think that shooting oneself isn't any less or more "dignified" than any other suicide method, which is an entirely arbitrary and made-up concept anyway. The fact is that, for me, a shotgun with heavy ammunition would be the perfect suicide method. It's instantaneous and can be done anywhere I wish it. Drugs are more easily accessible, but are otherwise complete garbage as a suicide method. I want it to be over in less than a snap of my fingers. I don't want to lay there and potentially have my survival instinct kick in making my last moments a panic stricken mess. I also just generally hate drugs as a concept (had bad experiences with both pharmaceuticals and psychedelics) and I'd rather cut my own throat than use them for suicide. As for the mess, that ain't my problem. That's for the cops to worry about/clean up, and I'd frankly be glad to inconvenience them. The only drawback to guns, at least for me, is their unicorn like rarity almost anywhere outside of gun crazy nations like the US.

 

[Into The Void]

Well, I for one think that shooting oneself isn't any less or more "dignified" than any other suicide method, which is an entirely arbitrary and made-up concept anyway. The fact is that, for me, a shotgun with heavy ammunition would be the perfect suicide method. It's instantaneous and can be done anywhere I wish it. Drugs are more easily accessible, but are otherwise complete garbage as a suicide method. I want it to be over in less than a snap of my fingers. I don't want to lay there and potentially have my survival instinct kick in making my last moments a panic stricken mess. I also just generally hate drugs as a concept (had bad experiences with both pharmaceuticals and psychedelics) and I'd rather cut my own throat than use them for suicide. As for the mess, that ain't my problem. That's for the cops to worry about/clean up, and I'd frankly be glad to inconvenience them. The only drawback to guns, at least for me, is their unicorn like rarity almost anywhere outside of gun crazy nations like the US.

I've got a gun, but I'd only use it on myself if there was a nuclear bomb that went off. I live in Chicago, so that may be a remote possibility in the distant future.

Anyway, there was a case of someone that was going to get their head chopped off many years ago and he said that he would keep blinking until he turned unconscious. Well after his head was chopped off he was blinking for like 4 seconds from what I remember. So I don't think it's as instantaneous as you think.

 

[Imaginos]

So I don't think it's as instantaneous as you think.

I see what you mean, but I think it really depends on where you shoot yourself and with what. For instance, shooting yourself from under the chin with a low caliber revolver is a recipe for total disaster. However, a high gauge shotgun with heavy buckshot loaded positioned in the mouth towards the brain stem would, for all intents and purposes, be essentially instantaneous. In a similar way, if I strapped six pieces of dynamite to my head and lit the fuses then, while there might be a millisecond of pain during the explosion, it'd last for less than 1/100th the time of a single eye blink. At that point, the pain wouldn't even have time to register with your nervous system. You're correct though that suicide with a firearm needs to be conducted very carefully and with the proper equipment/ammunition which, outside of the US, is basically impossible to acquire. A second to shotgun suicide would be putting one's head on the train tracks and letting the wheels crush their head flat. Again, there might be an extremely brief moment of pain, but it wouldn't even last a second. A guy who cuts his head off is still leaving the brain intact, which leaves the likelihood of extreme post suicide pain. The important thing is to destroy the brain utterly and make it the primary target, since once the brain's gone that's it.

 

[Into The Void]

I see what you mean, but I think it really depends on where you shoot yourself and with what. For instance, shooting yourself from under the chin with a low caliber revolver is a recipe for total disaster. However, a high gauge shotgun with heavy buckshot loaded positioned in the mouth towards the brain stem would, for all intents and purposes, be essentially instantaneous. In a similar way, if I strapped six pieces of dynamite to my head and lit the fuses then, while there might be a millisecond of pain during the explosion, it'd last for less than 1/100th the time of a single eye blink. At that point, the pain wouldn't even have time to register with your nervous system. You're correct though that suicide with a firearm needs to be conducted very carefully and with the proper equipment/ammunition which, outside of the US, is basically impossible to acquire. A second to shotgun suicide would be putting one's head on the train tracks and letting the wheels crush their head flat. Again, there might be an extremely brief moment of pain, but it wouldn't even last a second. A guy who cuts his head off is still leaving the brain intact, which leaves the likelihood of extreme post suicide pain. The important thing is to destroy the brain utterly and make it the primary target, since once the brain's gone that's it.

Pain is not only registered by a module in the brain but locally in every cell. So until each brain cell runs out of oxygen, neurotransmitters, and blood there will be pain.

 

[Imaginos]

Pain is not only registered by a module in the brain but locally in every cell. So until each brain cell runs out of oxygen, neurotransmitters, and blood there will be pain.

I respect your position, but I have to say I disagree, since without the brain present to process the signals, they don't amount to anything. Either way, I know that many view violent suicide methods as unpreferable to them. For me, whatever the mess is afterwards doesn't bother me at all. All I care about is ending my life as quickly as possible, under circumstances of my choosing. Hanging, drugs, falling, et cetera. All these methods are far too long to be of any serious consideration, at least for me.

 

[moths]

i dont know anything about guns but i just wanted to say that this is one of the most relatable things ive ever read. i shouldnt say i know how you feel because i know i cant, were two different people in two different situations, but you just summed up something ive been trying and failing to put into words. this kind of isolation really is painful, when youre completely and totally fucking alone, but no matter how awful it feels, it feels like the only option. whatever you choose to do, i hope you find peace

 

[Gaybonez]

I have no friends. I have no one I can talk to online. I am not a part of any communities. I have nothing. And it's always been this way. I can't experience anything the same way others can. I'm a permanent outcast of anything and everything. And the reason for that comes down to the fact that a part of myself wants to stay separate from everything. Beyond my sizable social retardation, nothing good can come from befriending others. It'll sour just like everything always does, so why bother? I wish it were that simple, but I'm also terribly lonely. I'm sick of existing in a complete vacuum, but I've spent so long like this that I don't know how else to be. The end result is that I'm internally tortured all the time. I endure the terrible pain I feel every moment I'm awake. I'm trapped in a prison of my own making and I keep thinking how I've lost the key, but, in fact, there was never a door out to begin with.

The internet is a place I've always felt lost in. Even now, I still feel totally out of the loop. I'll admit that too much about it irritates me. It seems that everywhere is infested with internet point bullshit and cliquey popularity contests. People arguing, kowtowing and conforming to one another. Even the most niche anonymous message boards are like this to some extent. I'm too socially retarded to navigate or even want to play these kinds of stupid games and yet they're fucking everywhere. I honestly don't know where or how this can ever be any different. The internet is no different than real life now. Maybe in my case though, it never was. I'm adrift from everything and anything.

I've pushed people away my entire life. People who were nice to me and could have been my friend. I was too afraid and I always ran away. Each time fearing it would go badly and that they'd eventually hate me, or that I'd get hurt. Now it's too late. Now there's no one left. I haven't spoken with anyone on my own in nearly 15 years. That's how long I've been stuck like this. My life is a nightmare I keep waking up into every day. Nobody gives a flying fuck about anyone. Nobody cares. Nobody fucking caressssssssssssssss. God damn, how unspeakably painful it is to know that no one will ever care. And why should they? I have nothing to offer to anyone, so that effectively means I'm less than dirt. Nothing good will ever happen. I have nearly 30 years of past experience to attest to this. If I had access to a gun, I would blow my brains out pretty much immediately.

For what it's worth, that's the only suicide method I can consider. Everything else is too long. Everyone recommends taking shit like Sodium Nitrite, but I have a phobia against taking drugs. A shotgun in my mouth with buckshot loaded will be instantaneous. I don't know how to get a shotgun though and it's the sort of thing that seems impossible unless you live in the US. Has anyone ever successfully ordered a gun through the darknet?

Thanks for sharing