Nothing matters to me other than death.

[Burdenphilic]

Just as the title says, I feel like nothing truly matters anymore than to die.

I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to keep me going. I truly feel like I serve no greater purpose than to struggle endlessly to survive each and every day, living paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving and struggling to barely make ends meet.

I feel that I've yet to reach rock bottom, and it's exactly why I must end it all now. Because if I don't, then only worse will come and I'll have to suffer through it all.

I live in an unsupportive environment, with an unsupportive law system, with an unsupportive society, in a community where some would rather have me dead.

Obviously, this could cause trauma to anyone, I keep having hopes of finding greater meaning sometimes, perhaps meeting new people, a new community, new home, new family, but I feel too incapable of accomplishing that, and I've recently realized everyone sucks, not just "home".

Everything is awful, genuinely, rarely do I find anything enjoyable anymore, even if it's just good food or a funny video or anything I may laugh and be happy for a bit then afterwards everything is just monotone and life just hits again.

Everyone is also awful, it seems like every kind of person I find has to be insufferable or bad in some way, finding good people is actually so difficult, whether IRL or online everyone is fucked up in some way no matter what...

I feel like if I just die, I can spare myself from everything, I can truly liberate myself from every shitty thing I have to go through, I can finally just cease to exist from the people around me.

Right now as I'm typing it, I'm extremely suicidal, I feel like going ahead with it right now, but I know I won't, I'm too much of a wuss to.

 

[the_calynite]

Matters? nothing truly mattered in the first place! life is meaningless and there is hope in that fact. yes there is suffering, in yourself and in everyone else, and it is each of our decisions if we want to keep living or not. there is no right answer, you are free to end it, but respect the choice. Live how you want and live with purpose, everything is sharper when you do. self improvement is one helluva drug, but you are not obligated to do so you dont have to matter for you to care.