Oh trust me, you aren't alone. I wanted (more than anything) a relationship formed in unconditional and true love but for some of us it will just never happen.
Nobody is forced to live though and there are a plethora of ways to end it all.
I'm nearing the end of my story personally and couldn't be happier.
Well, I guess I could be happier if things panned out differently but they didn't but I'm okay with that.
People are very stubborn and think in absolutes, just how we are wired. Some of us more than others, a smaller minority will give until they have nothing left and lose themselves in the process and there is no finding yourself once you too far down the rabbit hole.
You can embrace the new being you become or terminate it. Sure, you get "stronger" the more you fight through things but eventually such strength becomes a glass prison that looks fortified but shatters upon the smallest tap and then who you once were is now gone.
If I met myself from a decade ago I wouldn't recognize him in the slightest, he died and all that is left are the memories I have of him that are bittersweet.
Who I am now is.... well... I can scarcely describe him. He is a hollow shell with very little inside, no internal thoughts or dialogue, just emptiness personified.
I would say I'm sad but I'm not. The only emotion the current me feels is happiness stemming from my inevitable CTB.
Don't worry too much about what others think, that is what caused the old me that was filled with happiness and sadness to cease to exist.
Hold on to your humanity, or don't. I believe that personal agency is likely humanities greatest asset and the one asset that is utilized the least.
Too often is a person resigning themselves to a life on rails when they have a plethora of options in front of them. They burn bridges based on the slightest inconvenience or will funnel all of their energy towards mediation.
Sometimes the best choice is not to choose and let others come to you and listen to them wholeheartedly when approached.
Every time the old me poured too much effort into towing the line or shaking things up everything crashed and burned and down went another bridge.
Cherish and save who you are, or don't. Burn bridges, build new ones, or just don't play the game. No option is any more or less valid than the other.
There are no right or wrong answers in life and humanity is flawed so it's quite literally a crapshoot to put it bluntly and nothing you do is any less of a gamble than the lottery.
And the "prize" is what you evolve into, it can end up being anything as your actions mean little bit your reactions mean a lot and others' reactions to your reactions are based upon their feelings, which are formed by their reactions to others' reactions as well, etc.
So in the end you truly can never win, you can lose less than others though but in turn lose yourself by shutting down your emotions, you also lose yourself by embracing them.
You lose yourself by not playing as well.
Sometimes the only sane option is to just pack the game up and wave goodbye.
Sometimes doing such is premature.
Sentience is quite the quandary and our primate brains can scarcely comprehend the metaphorical shitstorm we head towards the moment we exit our mother's wombs.
Likely why we are all born crying.
