Help Note advice please <3

[Redt2go]

My future is still wide open and I have a lot of people in my life who still love me and I'm honestly not that bad off.

So in my note to my family and friends I want to say to them to not blame themselves. I did not ask for help from them because I did not want it. I essentially want to tell them not to blame themselves because there is nothing they could have done to save me. As you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. However I do not want them to feel as hopeless as I feel on my lowest days.

I know the only way to not cause them pain is to not kill myself but that option is kind of off the table. So I don't know what worse for them to feel that there's nothing they could have done or that they could have done something and didn't (false). What do you think ?

Past few days have been a rollercoaster. The weather is nice and I'm feeling feelings again and caring about people again. A lot of guilt for the pain I'm going to cause. (Been reading a lot of r/suicidebereavement) However even in my happiest states of mind, I still want to die.

Also sidenote. I've gone over why I want to go over and over again. Bottomline it's just depression. It's really a handicap for me. I know I could be happy and that there's treatment but I've kind of made my decision at this point to not deal with the torture so that part is kind of off the table.

Please let me know your thoughts though! <3

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's definitely tricky when you start looking at the stories of the 'suicide survivors' and it can make you feel so guilty. I think that if you can put that in your letter that might be helpful - that you spent time reading about the stories of people left behind and that it's your greatest wish for your loved ones NOT to feel like that but instead to feel gladness that you are set free from the burden of depression.

It's weird reading your post as on my news feed on my phone one of these stories came up this morning and I thought, actually the relative who ctb must have been in a desperate sad and lonely place to leave his whole family (including small children) so be glad he is at peace instead of bemoaning your own anger at him!!

 

[21Neberg]

So I don't know what worse for them to feel that there's nothing they could have done or that they could have done something and didn't (false). What do you think ?

It is definitely worse to leave your friends with thoughts of 'I could have prevented this'. One of the points of your note is, as you said, to tell them there's nothing they could've done. We carry a lot of pain, and we don't want to give it to others upon our deaths by make them feel guilty or regretful for not doing anything.

Writing a note is quite hard, and (at least for me) makes me feel very guilty. That's why I've given up on it... I admire your strenght to continue writing your note regardless. Good luck!

 

[odette]

You have a lot of interesting thoughts. What exactly are you looking for advice on?

 

[Redt2go]

Don't do it you regret it once you are dead. Get some real help and thank me. I saved your life.

Lol thank you

 

[Redt2go]

It is definitely worse to leave your friends with thoughts of 'I could have prevented this'. One of the points of your note is, as you said, to tell them there's nothing they could've done. We carry a lot of pain, and we don't want to give it to others upon our deaths by make them feel guilty or regretful for not doing anything.

Writing a note is quite hard, and (at least for me) makes me feel very guilty. That's why I've given up on it... I admire your strenght to continue writing your note regardless. Good luck!

Thanks ! You're a real sweetheart. I'm just kind of workshopping it at this point. It was very hard to decide what to say . I kind of went off of what the dietician girl wrote. Hers was so well crafted and sweet and full of love.

 

[21Neberg]

Thanks ! You're a real sweetheart. I'm just kind of workshopping it at this point. It was very hard to decide what to say . I kind of went off of what the dietician girl wrote. Hers was so well crafted and sweet and full of love.

Don't feel guilty if you copy it, I imagine that's far easier on your feelings than to write one fully custom.

 

[Redt2go]

You have a lot of interesting thoughts. What exactly are you looking for advice on?

Whether or not to let them think there is something they could have done. If I say there is nothing they could have done they will feel hopeless. If I don't say anything they will regret not having helped me.

 

[Redt2go]

Don't feel guilty if you copy it, I imagine that's far easier on your feelings than to write one fully custom.

I mean I didn't copy it just kind of the part about her not telling family to blame themselves. Hers was very specific

 

[Redt2go]

It's definitely tricky when you start looking at the stories of the 'suicide survivors' and it can make you feel so guilty. I think that if you can put that in your letter that might be helpful - that you spent time reading about the stories of people left behind and that it's your greatest wish for your loved ones NOT to feel like that but instead to feel gladness that you are set free from the burden of depression.

It's weird reading your post as on my news feed on my phone one of these stories came up this morning and I thought, actually the relative who ctb must have been in a desperate sad and lonely place to leave his whole family (including small children) so be glad he is at peace instead of bemoaning your own anger at him!!

Thank you <3 I will definitely make that a dying wish of sorts and I think blaming depression is good for them to have someone to blame

 

[odette]

Okay, let me make sure I understand. You want to let them know that you are catching the bus because the depression is too unbearable. They could have helped you with the depression, but that would compromise your need for independence. So you want them to understand that you reject any potential help from them, but not make them feel bad about that. Is that correct?

 

[Redt2go]

Okay, let me make sure I understand. You want to let them know that you are catching the bus because the depression is too unbearable. They could have helped you with the depression, but that would compromise your need for independence. So you want them to understand that you reject any potential help from them, but not make them feel bad about that. Is that correct?

No, I could bear the depression and could tolerate the help from them. I just dont desire to continue living

 

[odette]

No, I could bear the depression and could tolerate the help from them. I just dont desire to continue living

Okay, so there is absolutely nothing they could do that would make you want to live? Is that what you want them to know?

 

[Redt2go]

Okay, so there is absolutely nothing they could do that would make you want to live? Is that what you want them to know?

Exactly. But that is extremely hurtful. They might think that I don't love them enough to stay for them. Which I guess I don't. I do love them though.

 

[Redt2go]

Here's a good explanation

"However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It's the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger? "

 

[odette]

Here's a good explanation

"However, all these facets seem trivial to me. It's the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger? "

I'm sorry for interrogating you, but would you be willing to tell me more? This sounds to me like textbook depression. Have you been to the doctor and tried depression treatment?

This is the kind of things the people reading your note will wonder too. "If we had just got her to try medication/therapy/a healthier lifestyle then we could have saved her."

 

[kimi]

I think these are all good things to think about when writing your note. I'm glad you decided to reach out and the fact that you have so much care for what others in your life will go through and feel if you were to eventually ctb is really sweet.

One thing I tell myself when toying with the idea of writing my letter, is to acknowledge that not everyone is going to understand the intent behind my actions. I understand that not everyone in my life with agree with my eventual decision, understand it, or even respect it. The hardest part (imo) is dealing with the fact that those around you will be left thinking they weren't enough for you to stay. I think emphasizing the fact that it wasn't anyone's fault, lack of care, or lack of reaching out is important. Sometimes these things really are as simple of not having a will to go on or a desire to get better, and that's OK. I think explaining these things in your letter could maybe help them understand and hopefully put them at ease. I'm sorry for being so wordy and I hope this isn't too confusing to understand. <3

 

[Othermind]

Might be a bit callous but I honestly don't think it makes a difference.
Even if you explicitly state "It's not anyone's fault, there is nothing anyone could have done", those left behind will just wonder "What could I have done to make them think otherwise?".
Basically I'm afraid there's no way your loved ones are going to just accept that they're not at all at fault and they had 0 agency on something so dramatic. It would mean they had to accept the inevitability of death, including their own, and that comes with a lot of baggage for anyone.
Just to clarify, I am going to try and reassure my family and friends that it wasn't their fault, but just out of general politeness, I don't think it will make much of a difference.

 

[Redt2go]

I'm sorry for interrogating you, but would you be willing to tell me more? This sounds to me like textbook depression. Have you been to the doctor and tried depression treatment?

This is the kind of things the people reading your note will wonder too. "If we had just got her to try medication/therapy/a healthier lifestyle then we could have saved her."

It is textbook depression. I fully understand it's treatable and I'd likely be okay with treatment. I've been to therapy for about a year and I tried being healthy for about 2 months. I've been prescribed medication but chose not to start. Depression in addition to narcissism makes for a lonely boring life regardless of whos around. I could easily get treatment I'm just not interested in the course my life is on as every other aspect of it is disinteresting in every way to me. It's more manic depression for me. Even on days where my music sounds like rainbows and I can walk for miles(yesterday) I still want to kill myself. Also I know that suicidal ideation is a sypmtom of the disease. Unfortunately there is no cure. I was really back and forth in November - December. Went through my why over and over and over. My reason has changed as my reasons were stupid before. I've been certain for a few weeks that I want to go. I'm not going to say what goes through my mind when I think of staying for my immediate family... I just know that I don't want to see my life through. I've enjoyed my life as much as I will

 

[Redt2go]

I think these are all good things to think about when writing your note. I'm glad you decided to reach out and the fact that you have so much care for what others in your life will go through and feel if you were to eventually ctb is really sweet.

One thing I tell myself when toying with the idea of writing my letter, is to acknowledge that not everyone is going to understand the intent behind my actions. I understand that not everyone in my life with agree with my eventual decision, understand it, or even respect it. The hardest part (imo) is dealing with the fact that those around you will be left thinking they weren't enough for you to stay. I think emphasizing the fact that it wasn't anyone's fault, lack of care, or lack of reaching out is important. Sometimes these things really are as simple of not having a will to go on or a desire to get better, and that's OK. I think explaining these things in your letter could maybe help them understand and hopefully put them at ease. I'm sorry for being so wordy and I hope this isn't too confusing to understand. <3

Might be a bit callous but I honestly don't think it makes a difference.
Even if you explicitly state "It's not anyone's fault, there is nothing anyone could have done", those left behind will just wonder "What could I have done to make them think otherwise?".
Basically I'm afraid there's no way your loved ones are going to just accept that they're not at all at fault and they had 0 agency on something so dramatic. It would mean they had to accept the inevitability of death, including their own, and that comes with a lot of baggage for anyone.
Just to clarify, I am going to try and reassure my family and friends that it wasn't their fault, but just out of general politeness, I don't think it will make much of a difference.

Thanks y'all. I guess there is nothing I can do to make them 100% okay with my passing.

 

[Sickman75]

Thanks y'all. I guess there is nothing I can do to make them 100% okay with my passing.

after reading your post and replies I thought to myself. We're not meant to take handfuls of medications to feel better or behave differently. But that's how they treat us pass on all these pills to us and they think that's the band aid over the cause of everything

 

[odette]

It is textbook depression. I fully understand it's treatable and I'd likely be okay with treatment. I've been to therapy for about a year and I tried being healthy for about 2 months. I've been prescribed medication but chose not to start. Depression in addition to narcissism makes for a lonely boring life regardless of whos around. I could easily get treatment I'm just not interested in the course my life is on as every other aspect of it is disinteresting in every way to me. It's more manic depression for me. Even on days where my music sounds like rainbows and I can walk for miles(yesterday) I still want to kill myself. Also I know that suicidal ideation is a sypmtom of the disease. Unfortunately there is no cure. I was really back and forth in November - December. Went through my why over and over and over. My reason has changed as my reasons were stupid before. I've been certain for a few weeks that I want to go. I'm not going to say what goes through my mind when I think of staying for my immediate family... I just know that I don't want to see my life through. I've enjoyed my life as much as I will

Where are you getting this idea that you're a narcissist? You have been nothing but empathetic in these forum threads.

 

[Redt2go]

Where are you getting this idea that you're a narcissist? You have been nothing but empathetic in these forum threads.

It's a long story. But it's been a pattern of behavior as far as I can remember I just didn't realize until a recent life event. I don't want to put the info in the forum as it is really personal and may be identifying. Thank you for your kind words. I think I learned that empathy having been here so long. Sort of an intellectual empathy rather than an emotional empathy.

 

[Kukubananas]

I want to say to them to not blame themselves. I did not ask for help from them because I did not want it. I essentially want to tell them not to blame themselves because there is nothing they could have done to save me. As you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. However I do not want them to feel as hopeless as I feel on my lowest days.

I know the only way to not cause them pain is to not kill myself but that option is kind of off the table.

I would be honest, just like you are here. Tell them the reasons you did it. Not to blame yourself. Any wishes you have for the future (burial, treatment options if you survive, anything you'd leave to specific people). Tell them how you feel, maybe a short personal note for the most important people in your life. Why doing this was important to you. That's what I'm going to do. Try to give my mom as much closure as possible.

 

[Redt2go]

I would be honest, just like you are here. Tell them the reasons you did it. Not to blame yourself. Any wishes you have for the future (burial, treatment options if you survive, anything you'd leave to specific people). Tell them how you feel, maybe a short personal note for the most important people in your life. Why doing this was important to you. That's what I'm going to do. Try to give my mom as much closure as possible.

Okay thanks :) I recently wrote my mom's letter. She's going to blame herself the most
I think she's the only one who'll get a personal letter.

 

[odette]

It's a long story. But it's been a pattern of behavior as far as I can remember I just didn't realize until a recent life event. I don't want to put the info in the forum as it is really personal and may be identifying. Thank you for your kind words. I think I learned that empathy having been here so long. Sort of an intellectual empathy rather than an emotional empathy.

I've already seen you call yourself a narcissist because you had a perfectly natural need to feel independent. A narcissist wouldn't display any kind of empathy at all, they wouldn't bother. A narcissist wouldn't bother to thank someone or think of someone as kind, either.

Look how much time you're putting into this letter. A narcissist would never bother with that!

 

[Redt2go]

I've already seen you call yourself a narcissist because you had a perfectly natural need to feel independent. A narcissist wouldn't display any kind of empathy at all, they wouldn't bother. A narcissist wouldn't bother to thank someone or think of someone as kind, either.

Look how much time you're putting into this letter. A narcissist would never bother with that!

Thanks @odette . I hadn't thought of it that way. :)

 

[Sundayafternoon]

(Been reading a lot of r/suicidebereavement)

I cannot help with the note. I'm grappling over leaving one for my dad or just a list of instructions. But I would recommend staying away from r/suicidebereavement. I could be wrong but I don't think that sub is meant for you (us). You can muster up more than enough guilt on your own without reading through those threads.

Wishing you peace.

 

[Redt2go]

Update: I'm thinking of leaving my mother a voice recorded note on my phone... A lot of grief articles state that they wish they could hear their loved ones tell them I love you one more time

Can't do a voicemail she always answers when I call

 

[lemmeeleev]

Update: I'm thinking of leaving my mother a voice recorded note on my phone... A lot of grief articles state that they wish they could hear their loved ones tell them I love you one more time

Can't do a voicemail she always answers when I call

That sounds like a good idea, but my voice sucks and I wouldn't know what to say lol.