Venting Not wanting/seeing a future

[FacePALM]

I have been in therapy off and on for the last 6 ish years. I think part of why it's hasn't worked is because I sabotage myself, ultimately getting better terrifies me. If I get better I have to live my life, love or at least like myself, that scares me so much. At the same time I find dying equally scary. What if I fail and become a vegetable?

For the most part when I think about the future I get this pit in my stomach because I can't see myself do this for another 6 years, let alone 70. I want to go to school and make something of myself but at the same time, I can barely get out of bed and brush my teeth. I want kids, but I would make a horrible mom, trying to protect them from the world, sheltering them too much. I want all these thing but I can't put in the work. In the end I will die anyway so what is the point? Does anyone recognize this? If so anyone want to discus it?

 

[Galileo3630]

I used to think about the future constantly and it terrified me to the core, so much so that I'd just harm myself with cuts and etc, but then I saw this tiktok that said: "Don't dwell on the past or hope for a better future, live in the present, that's the best way to live", and well, the way I close out bad memories/trauma and ignore people I despise, that what I'm doing with my future and past, I'm shutting those 2 things out because I hate how my anxiety makes me shake uncontrollably as if I'm dying from hypothermia or something, and so far, I've been feeling a lot better, anxiety wise, wanting CTB is still there. ( Mind you this took me a good month or so to master ).

 

[FacePALM]

I used to think about the future constantly and it terrified me to the core, so much so that I'd just harm myself with cuts and etc, but then I saw this tiktok that said: "Don't dwell on the past or hope for a better future, live in the present, that's the best way to live", and well, the way I close out bad memories/trauma and ignore people I despise, that what I'm doing with my future and past, I'm shutting those 2 things out because I hate how my anxiety makes me shake uncontrollably as if I'm dying from hypothermia or something, and so far, I've been feeling a lot better, anxiety wise, wanting CTB is still there. ( Mind you this took me a good month or so to master ).

The trying to live in the present thing isn't really a good one for me, I am glad it helps you with you anxiety though! For me its a bit of torture right now, I'm on disability from my job because I am going through a really low low with my depression, I have to think about the future because my current job is in a supermarket, I can't stay there for the rest of my life. On the other hand therapist says I have to take it one day at a time but my days consist of suffering right now, watching the people around me hurt themselves.

I am also on a waiting list for a new living situation thing. So I can live on my own without my parents, but with my two cats so atleast that is something.

 

[Galileo3630]

The trying to live in the present thing isn't really a good one for me, I am glad it helps you with you anxiety though! For me its a bit of torture right now, I'm on disability from my job because I am going through a really low low with my depression, I have to think about the future because my current job is in a supermarket, I can't stay there for the rest of my life. On the other hand therapist says I have to take it one day at a time but my days consist of suffering right now, watching the people around me hurt themselves.

I am also on a waiting list for a new living situation thing. So I can live on my own without my parents, but with my two cats so atleast that is something.

Aw that's so sweet, living with your best friends is what I wish to accomplish one day, don't worry, working at a super-market ain't so bad, I mean, you have to gain job experience for other jobs to consider you, and time moves a lot slower when you're suffering, so considering that and taking a step back, you will eventually realize that you have a load of time in this awful world to prosper and grow, you will find a better job and you will get to live with your 2 best friends!

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly find it to be horrific the thought of being trapped in this world for many more decades, it's true that life is something that is completely pointless, everything that humans do is just a distraction from the fact that they are destined to die. Continuing to exist is just delaying the inevitable, and it's true that life is just a futile struggle that leads nowhere with everything being forgotten about through death. I really don't think that people should bring more life here, but anyway I wish you the best. I also have the fear of suicide failing.

 

[chr74]

to me it seems like we just dont have anything to make the more painful part of life eg. things like death etc, bearable, so we just want out.

 

[Hitakiri]

Is failing and becoming a vegetable the only thing you're scared of? Or are you scared of actually succeeding, and what that entails?

 

[FacePALM]

Is failing and becoming a vegetable the only thing you're scared of? Or are you scared of actually succeeding, and what that entails?

I guess I'd have to say both.

There is always this thing in my head that is curious about the future and can't let go, but this other part of me wants nothing to do with it.

I want to help people, be there for my family and friends , but I can't because I can barely get out of bed everyday. There is nothing enjoy, everything I do is to pass time. Games I play? Generally to make to hours go by faster, same with the books I read and tv shows I watch. I am not alive, I am existing, taking up space.

Ironically my brain is what makes me sick but also the thing about myself I value most. Without it I wouldn't be me, not that I know who that is, my point is losing that and becoming a vegetable is terrifying. But being alive equally so.

And succeeding is terrifying too. I have a small sister, when I think about dying I also think about all the milestones in her life I'll miss. Or about my dad and his well-being. I am not scared of death, I am scared of hurting everyone I love and the things I'd miss when I am gone. I don't really know what to make of that.

Sorry for my long ass response.

 

[Hitakiri]

I guess I'd have to say both.

There is always this thing in my head that is curious about the future and can't let go, but this other part of me wants nothing to do with it.

I want to help people, be there for my family and friends , but I can't because I can barely get out of bed everyday. There is nothing enjoy, everything I do is to pass time. Games I play? Generally to make to hours go by faster, same with the books I read and tv shows I watch. I am not alive, I am existing, taking up space.

Ironically my brain is what makes me sick but also the thing about myself I value most. Without it I wouldn't be me, not that I know who that is, my point is losing that and becoming a vegetable is terrifying. But being alive equally so.

And succeeding is terrifying too. I have a small sister, when I think about dying I also think about all the milestones in her life I'll miss. Or about my dad and his well-being. I am not scared of death, I am scared of hurting everyone I love and the things I'd miss when I am gone. I don't really know what to make of that.

Sorry for my long ass response.

Don't sweat it. I don't mind reading, and I tend to write a lot myself. Wish I could right now, but I have a lot I need to do. I'll write what I can, in the time I have. If you have things you'd miss when gone, it sounds like you don't want to leave.

There's a series called Bungo Stray Dogs. One of the lead characters, Dazai, makes a mockery of suicide and halfheartedly attempts it regularly throughout the series. He's empty, emotionless. Gets no joy out of life. He's an executive of the Port Mafia, and his sociopathic tendencies make him excellent at killing. He has a friend though, a rare equal whom he values. That man is a kind man, who is met with deep loss. He marches towards a violent end, for revenge. With his dying breaths, he tells Dazai that if he truly feels nothing, then to be the kind of man who helps others. Out of respect, Dazai decides to be that kind of man.

What's so bad about existing? Being in a state of unlife, neither feeling alive, or being dead? You judge yourself by society's standards. Do we really have to enjoy life? Maybe. Maybe not. There are tons of philosophical answers to that. I think you're your own worst enemy, but you justify your life, as one that wants to help others and be there for them. Do you need to get any sense of joy out of that? No. It's already justified, and it's enough. You play games to pass the time? I doubt it. Gamers have specific interests, there are specific games you play. As such, they're games that mean something to you, or interest you. Are you elated? Overjoyed? You don't have to be. Your partaking in an interest, and it has the added benefit of passing time, makes the day go by. It's all we really can do.

I've lost a great deal in life, and my end is uncertain. But I do have the slightest hope that I can find something worth living for, despite my severe depression and apathy. When I have nothing left to lose, that's when I'll die. I think you have plenty to lose. It's good to have something worth trying for. Just stop expecting it to feel good, I guess. Let it be enough, that you know it makes others feel good.

 

[FacePALM]

Don't sweat it. I don't mind reading, and I tend to write a lot myself. Wish I could right now, but I have a lot I need to do. I'll write what I can, in the time I have. If you have things you'd miss when gone, it sounds like you don't want to leave.

There's a series called Bungo Stray Dogs. One of the lead characters, Dazai, makes a mockery of suicide and halfheartedly attempts it regularly throughout the series. He's empty, emotionless. Gets no joy out of life. He's an executive of the Port Mafia, and his sociopathic tendencies make him excellent at killing. He has a friend though, a rare equal whom he values. That man is a kind man, who is met with deep loss. He marches towards a violent end, for revenge. With his dying breaths, he tells Dazai that if he truly feels nothing, then to be the kind of man who helps others. Out of respect, Dazai decides to be that kind of man.

What's so bad about existing? Being in a state of unlife, neither feeling alive, or being dead? You judge yourself by society's standards. Do we really have to enjoy life? Maybe. Maybe not. There are tons of philosophical answers to that. I think you're your own worst enemy, but you justify your life, as one that wants to help others and be there for them. Do you need to get any sense of joy out of that? No. It's already justified, and it's enough. You play games to pass the time? I doubt it. Gamers have specific interests, there are specific games you play. As such, they're games that mean something to you, or interest you. Are you elated? Overjoyed? You don't have to be. Your partaking in an interest, and it has the added benefit of passing time, makes the day go by. It's all we really can do.

I've lost a great deal in life, and my end is uncertain. But I do have the slightest hope that I can find something worth living for, despite my severe depression and apathy. When I have nothing left to lose, that's when I'll die. I think you have plenty to lose. It's good to have something worth trying for. Just stop expecting it to feel good, I guess. Let it be enough, that you know it makes others feel good.

Damn that made me cry, I'll come up with a meaningful thing to say in a while, need to proces, thanks for saying that though need to think