Not sure how to continue

[noname223]

So I met this woman from a dating app. She is a teacher. The first month we spent together was amazing. Arguably one of the best times in my life. After one month we met, got sort of intimate and she changed afterwards fundamentally. She got more and more abusive. Ignored my messages, insulted me in form of jokes, sort of gaslighted me one time. I am pretty sure she has borderline but does not know it. Therapists considered that for her.
I have once texted with a borderline woman with extremely abusive behavior. And I knew I don't want that. I clinged to that contact like my life depended on it. The damage this caused was severe.

I did not see a long future for us anyway. She wants kids so much and is 27. Moreover, most of her relationships did not last long.
I considered to text her that me and my therapist are pretty sure she has BPD. Tbh I think she needs to work on herself to fulfil her dream to adopt children. Tbh first I thought she would be a pretty good mom until her I met her abusive parts.

One month was amazing. Afterwards the game changed. I played it for 1,5 months longer. And it only got worse. Tbh I don't think she wants the contact anymore. And I wonder how often she has lied to me. There were some obvious lies. But maybe not everything was a life. By the way I have a female friend who has borderline and we get along well. But she is in therapy and self-aware that she has borderline. And we are not that close.

The rejection of the chemistry master student hit me way harder. I almost killed myself in the aftermath. My therapist was confused why I am not not acute suicidal now. Tbh I thought I fucked it up with the chemistry master student by being clingy. And I can see I made mistakes. Furthermore, prior to that an autistic woman rejected me. In the case of the BPD teacher I don't really see myself responsible for why it failed. I have some theories why she rejected me and her reasoning would be bogus. I asked her the theories and she denied everything.

I think one big reason why I am not that acute suicidal. It was a huge positive surprise that I met her. I thought dating apps were useless. I barerly had suicidal thoughts the first month. I did not think this would be possible.

I achieved some life goals even without paying a woman xD (yes I considered that seriously. I mean before I ctb). We held hands, kissed, hugged, saw us naked, did some/ a lot of sexual stuff, I touched her private parts and vice versa. However, we had no sex sadly.

The last time I texted her was the 20th March. I did not double text her as usual. I probably don't mean much to her anyway otherwise she would text me back. I hope I stay strong.

Two days ago I had a new match. She is 5 years younger than me though. Today we texted a couple of times. I think I am a texting addict. With the BPD woman I texted insanely much. I should have noticed the warning signs earlier. I said in a thread our lives merged. And this is exactly what happens with BPD people. I thought in love it might happen too. But I was blind. I think I did not want to realize it.
The new match did not reply anymore since some hours. Maybe the contact is already dead. I hope not. She is Syrian refugee but lives in Germany for many years. I absolutely don't mind that. However, maybe my dad who is pretty much of a racist.

In two weeks college starts. I don't want to endure that hell again. And I will be paranoid as fuck and ruin every chance to get a gf.
My plan was to get a stable relationship which might give me the power to make it through college. But this always was a pipe dream. I knew I never will be able to work, And if a woman finds that out she will leave me as soon as possible. However, the borderline woman was ambivalent on that.

Two semesters I have not had any courses. Tbh college almost drove me to commit suicide in October 2024. And I think if I continue it might achieve that. I get some money by an insurance and combined with welfare it might be enough to survive for me. It is the best chance I have. College was torture.
It will be awkward in my self-help group. At the start of the last semester this contributed to my suicidality. But fuck it what they or the society thinks about me.

I don't read that many threads about suicide anymore. I want to get rid of my suicide obsession as good as possible. Maybe I am only running away from my problems and one day I will have to kill myself. For example when my parents die. I think this could drive me to ctb pretty quickly. But for now I am able to run away.

I am also pretty happy I did not get herpes from the teacher lady. We kissed intensely. But I was so scared because she had herpes. Or even getting herpes on my genitalia. I think this could have made me pretty suicidal. And make me regret all of that. But gladly I did not get it. She had an outbreak two weeks before we met.

 

[noname223]

I sort of miss her. But even if I text her it will never be the same again. I have such a strong desire for a partner. But she is sort of abusive.

 

[noname223]

Eventually, I texted her. We exchanged some messages. I think she does not care about me anymore. But I wanted to say her some things before our contact stops. Maybe I emphasized a little too much only the good things about her. She surely has an abusive side.
She did not check my last message and I feel like a fool.

But if she continues to act that way she will never be able to adopt children if she throws away men like that. And maybe it is better she will never have children. She was sort of manipulative after a while. And she is a teacher. It is interesting how many borderline women I met have such a strong desire for children and they also want jobs related to children. She was very engaged in her job. I wonder a little bit why her students asked her so many sex questions...I think she might provoked it a little bit herself by saying some stuff. But who am I to judge.

 

[derpyderpins]

Eventually, I texted her. We exchanged some messages. I think she does not care about me anymore. But I wanted to say her some things before our contact stops. Maybe I emphasized a little too much only the good things about her. She surely has an abusive side.
She did not check my last message and I feel like a fool.

But if she continues to act that way she will never be able to adopt children if she throws away men like that. And maybe it is better she will never have children. She was sort of manipulative after a while. And she is a teacher. It is interesting how many borderline women I met have such a strong desire for children and they also want jobs related to children. She was very engaged in her job. I wonder a little bit why her students asked her so many sex questions...I think she might provoked it a little bit herself by saying some stuff. But who am I to judge.

Sorry it is not working out, man.

There are some silver linings here, though. One, it wasn't all negative. By default it was good experience for you showing your capability of entering a relationship.

Two, and I mean this in the nicest way, but I think it's great that you're saying "[m]aybe I emphasized a little too much only the good things about her." I've spoken on here about my bouts with limerance and putting women on a pedestal and seeing them as perfect, always excusing poor behavior. The last time it happened to me was the last person I was with before meeting my wife, and she led me around by the nose and played me then just fucking split and left me. But I'm happy she was so awful, because when she text me about something later I had no desire to answer her. If I hadn't had that "damn you actually suck" moment I would've dove right back in.

You can get someone better.

 

[noname223]

I am texting again with a woman from a dating app. She looks pretty (pretty) good. We text a lot and she made me some compliments.

However,....I get borderline vibes from her. The last woman I dated turned out as borderline. And she destroyed our bond pretty aggressively after a short time.

Maybe I am just paranoid. I hope so. But....I really should not become paranoid I had psychosis. This could destroy everything. She clearly mirrors me all the time. She pretends to like everything exactly like me even my hobbies. Even with the borderline woman beforehand it was not that obvious. Maybe it is a way to get the attraction from someone to mirror him or her?

She has an illness. She missed school over a long time period because of this illness. She lost 2 years. I don't know whether it is a mental illness.
Her eyes look sort of weird but at the same time extremely good. She came to Germany years ago from Syria and she has blue eyes. which are eyes-catching. Maybe this is part of her illness and not something MH related?

I read 1-2 % of the whole population have borderline. I start to doubt that. From all women in my life who I texted with more than 50% had borderline. And almost all women I had contact with cut themselves. I think borderline can be caused by abuse and well a lot of shit happened in Syria. Why do I attract all the time neurodiverse women. Almost all women who were interested in me had mental illness.

She has 6 friends though. Maybe a sign she either has no borderline or she has it but still is able to have longterm relations.

We already text so much. She is 5 years younger than me though.

I would not rule it out to have a relationship with a borderline woman. But I would like to know it in advance. Because with the last woman it was devastating of realizing it.

It is insane last year in October I almost killed myself because a woman rejected me. Now after a rejection I just continue to search and within 1-2 weeks I find someone new. Maybe I am a little bit to certain about this presumable success. I think I am pretty good at texting. Not that good at getting matches though. And if I become paranoid which happened earlier with other women I could ruin it, And if paranoia kills it I will have urges to kill myself. It always depends on the reason why I am rejected. If I get rejected because of love paranoia it is a systemic issue I have that might hinder of getting a gf. But a lot of things happened in this instance which I thought were never possible. And then it happened. It gave me some self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

[noname223]

Okay I almost died. I almost shit my pants. She asked me a specific question: Since when are you single?
I was chicken shit. I called my two best friends out of panic. The ones who stopped me from suicide.

What shall I tell her? I never really was in a relationship with 27. But with the borderline women I just dated I almost was in a relationship.
The latter one literally could smell that I was a virgin. After a while she asked that she had to ask me a very personal question whether I was ever in a relationship. The question made me sort of paranoid. I took a benzo to avoid that now. She told me since I completely avoided any sex talk she had a feeling for it. She said to me maybe I am just a complete good guy or I never was in any or both. I am not sure how common it is that men talk so much about sex when they are dating. Maybe especially on dating apps. But I get the feeling women don't like that. And they also don't like getting bombarded with dick pics.

I always wondered whether women can spot that I barely have experiences. She took it quite well though and reassured me it is not an issue for her. I told her it is an insecurity of mine.


I took a benzo.