Venting Not sure how much more I can take, to be honest

[author]

(warning for family abuse / eating disorder due to neglect)

The gaslighting from my family is driving me insane. Not to mention that they rarely let me eat more than once a day - twice if I'm lucky - and still call me fat and crazy. I'm so fucking skinny, though. When I do wanna eat, they try to give me food that's gone bad and ask why I complain and ignore how bad it makes my stomach hurt. I've had to start stretching my one daily meal across the whole day by eating really slowly. If I eat at a normal speed, I get way too full really fast because I'm pretty sure my stomach shrank. I just wanna have three meals a day...

I need to move out. I need to get out of here. I at least want to die free but I can't afford to move. Nobody will fucking hire me. I keep applying to countless jobs and I hear countless denials. I can't even get an interview.

Why am I paying a price for existing? I'm already in physical pain every day and I can barely walk, why do I have to be put through malnutrition and emotional abuse by my family? I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm not lazy, my legs don't fucking work half of the time and I can't use a wheelchair down stairs, idiot. Not that you'd let me get a wheelchair since you don't even believe me.

I am not letting myself ctb until I've experienced freedom from this place, but I don't know if I can get there.

 

[Circles]

(warning for family abuse / eating disorder due to neglect)

The gaslighting from my family is driving me insane. Not to mention that they rarely let me eat more than once a day - twice if I'm lucky - and still call me fat and crazy. I'm so fucking skinny, though. When I do wanna eat, they try to give me food that's gone bad and ask why I complain and ignore how bad it makes my stomach hurt. I've had to start stretching my one daily meal across the whole day by eating really slowly. If I eat at a normal speed, I get way too full really fast because I'm pretty sure my stomach shrank. I just wanna have three meals a day...

I need to move out. I need to get out of here. I at least want to die free but I can't afford to move. Nobody will fucking hire me. I keep applying to countless jobs and I hear countless denials. I can't even get an interview.

Why am I paying a price for existing? I'm already in physical pain every day and I can barely walk, why do I have to be put through malnutrition and emotional abuse by my family? I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm not lazy, my legs don't fucking work half of the time and I can't use a wheelchair down stairs, idiot. Not that you'd let me get a wheelchair since you don't even believe me.

I am not letting myself ctb until I've experienced freedom from this place, but I don't know if I can get there.

I hate that you're suffering so badly by your own family. I would ask if there's anything you can do to get away from them somehow like getting the authorities involved or something, but idk what country you live, if they have homeless shelters near you or what's the entire situation. Nothing I can will help, but I listened to you. I admire that you seek freedom before you ctb. Whatever happens I just hope the suffering can stop long enough so you can escape.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

How old are you and what country are you in?

 

[author]

I hate that you're suffering so badly by your own family. I would ask if there's anything you can do to get away from them somehow like getting the authorities involved or something, but idk what country you live, if they have homeless shelters near you or what's the entire situation. Nothing I can will help, but I listened to you. I admire that you seek freedom before you ctb. Whatever happens I just hope the suffering can stop long enough so you can escape.

I appreciate being heard, even if nothing can be done.

Authorities wouldn't help unfortunately. They're more likely to believe my family over me. There aren't really any homeless shelters nearby that I know of, either - much less that would take me in.

How old are you and what country are you in?

Early 20s, United States - not much help for me because of that.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

You may be able to go to the community service board and find a caseworker for help with social services and finding a job. You probably won't be able to get benefits until you're working, but a social worker / case worker can help you navigate that. There was a 20 year old at the homeless shelter I was at last year that I think was receiving support and his college cost per class was dramatically reduced.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you are going through. Some people are just so cruel. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

Also, I'm not trying to come across as a bully, but why don't you prepare your own meals? The most important thing you can do after applying is follow up either in person or over the phone to get yourself noticed over however many other applicants there are.

 

[author]

You may be able to go to the community service board and find a caseworker for help with social services and finding a job. You probably won't be able to get benefits until you're working, but a social worker / case worker can help you navigate that. There was a 20 year old at the homeless shelter I was at last year that I think was receiving support and his college cost per class was dramatically reduced.

Also, I'm not trying to come across as a bully, but why don't you prepare your own meals? The most important thing you can do after applying is follow up either in person or over the phone to get yourself noticed over however many other applicants there are.

I'm trying very hard to get disability benefits at the moment, but because my family doesn't believe me it's hard to get to a doctor that will diagnose my physical issues so I can get help and benefits. Only my mental illnesses are documented, and it's not enough. Getting disability benefits is extraordinarily difficult in the U.S. Unfortunately this disability also prevents me from working most jobs, but I'm trying anyway.

I actually do cook my own meals - but I only have so much energy. I cook one big meal a day and save what I don't eat to microwave. I do this because I'm disabled and walking/standing is extremely painful most of the time, so I don't have the energy to make myself more than one meal a day. Not to mention that my family will find any excuse to yell at me when I'm outside my room, so I don't like to take that chance.

Also, most of the food in the house is going bad, has gone bad, or is off-limits to me because I will get yelled at if I eat it. My family either eats the good food or goes out to eat without me and without asking if I want anything. They expect me to eat the food that has gone bad and often they don't believe me that it's bad even if I show them the very visible mold on the food.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

I wouldn't even bother with disability benefits because most people get denied the first time and need to get a lawyer and those kind of benefits are contingent on not being able to perform your previous employment and are unable to pursue employment. I mean like SNAP, Medicaid, affordable housing to make it easier when you move out etc which are just for low/no income people. You could call 211.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Your situation sounds so painful, I hope you're able to escape it. Do you have a computer that's yours? You could try to do small things to earn money or look into call center type jobs that would be online. Or tutoring perhaps. I could try to come up with more ideas but I have to leave soon. Maybe send me a message if anything I mentioned might be helpful, I can be decent at throwing things out there (no guarantee anything will work though). I also don't know all the circumstances so I don't know what all I could suggest. Like you could try to work as a librarian, but if you don't have transportation or family support to get to a job then a lot of prospects are cut off. Anyways I think it's courageous of you to be working for your freedom and hope you can attain it.

 

[WonderingSoul]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What your parents are doing to you is so cruel, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I'd say, keep applying for as many jobs as possible, as that's what I'm trying to do too. If it gets worse, gather your belongings and run to a nearby homeless center. I hope you make it out safely.

 

[ikadasui]

Good lord. I don't know if possible, but I'd be willing to paypal enough money if you're capable of leaving your home so you could eat elsewhere for a meal. That's awful though I'm sorry

 

[author]

I wouldn't even bother with disability benefits because most people get denied the first time and need to get a lawyer and those kind of benefits are contingent on not being able to perform your previous employment and are unable to pursue employment. I mean like SNAP, Medicaid, affordable housing to make it easier when you move out etc which are just for low/no income people. You could call 211.

There's two types of disability benefits - you're thinking of SSDI which is employment-based. I'm trying to get SSI which is different and based more in disability. I wouldn't get much for it anyways but it'd be something.

Your situation sounds so painful, I hope you're able to escape it. Do you have a computer that's yours? You could try to do small things to earn money or look into call center type jobs that would be online. Or tutoring perhaps. I could try to come up with more ideas but I have to leave soon. Maybe send me a message if anything I mentioned might be helpful, I can be decent at throwing things out there (no guarantee anything will work though). I also don't know all the circumstances so I don't know what all I could suggest. Like you could try to work as a librarian, but if you don't have transportation or family support to get to a job then a lot of prospects are cut off. Anyways I think it's courageous of you to be working for your freedom and hope you can attain it.

Yeah I don't have transportation and I can't stand up long enough for most jobs. I do have a computer but I can't seem to find freelance work either. And I'm too unknown for people to want to buy from me or commission me lol...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What your parents are doing to you is so cruel, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I'd say, keep applying for as many jobs as possible, as that's what I'm trying to do too. If it gets worse, gather your belongings and run to a nearby homeless center. I hope you make it out safely.

Thank you. I'm gonna do my best. I'm still applying.

Good lord. I don't know if possible, but I'd be willing to paypal enough money if you're capable of leaving your home so you could eat elsewhere for a meal. That's awful though I'm sorry

I couldn't accept that in good conscious, but thank you. I really appreciate it. The only place to eat nearby is a burger king, but walking is rough. I could probably make it there if I could find somewhere to sit for a while half-way, but I don't really have the money for it, haha,

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

Yeah, I was thinking about both kinds because typically people need to get a disability lawyer to get SSI too and also somewhat extensive medical proof / remain treatment compliant in order to receive them. I'd imagine it might be extra difficult though to prove you're unable to work because of all of the remote jobs available now, but like I said your best bet is getting a case worker / social worker at your local community service board, if you want help looking for services you could message me your county/city and I can see if I can find something nearby. Even homeless shelters if you don't stay there you could go for meals and for case management, food banks and churches also do food drives for anyone no questions asked generally.

 

[Eternally Dottie]

(warning for family abuse / eating disorder due to neglect)

The gaslighting from my family is driving me insane. Not to mention that they rarely let me eat more than once a day - twice if I'm lucky - and still call me fat and crazy. I'm so fucking skinny, though. When I do wanna eat, they try to give me food that's gone bad and ask why I complain and ignore how bad it makes my stomach hurt. I've had to start stretching my one daily meal across the whole day by eating really slowly. If I eat at a normal speed, I get way too full really fast because I'm pretty sure my stomach shrank. I just wanna have three meals a day...

I need to move out. I need to get out of here. I at least want to die free but I can't afford to move. Nobody will fucking hire me. I keep applying to countless jobs and I hear countless denials. I can't even get an interview.

Why am I paying a price for existing? I'm already in physical pain every day and I can barely walk, why do I have to be put through malnutrition and emotional abuse by my family? I'm tired of being called lazy. I'm not lazy, my legs don't fucking work half of the time and I can't use a wheelchair down stairs, idiot. Not that you'd let me get a wheelchair since you don't even believe me.

I am not letting myself ctb until I've experienced freedom from this place, but I don't know if I can get there.

This sounds like an awful life for you, I'm so sorry. I'm not in the US but there must be domestic abuse shelters that you could call and ask for their help to get away from your family. If you lived away from them and had an advocate it would be much easier then to apply for benefits, find a job and housing as they would be able to advise and support you. If you have mental and physical health issues and are being treated this way by your family then you are a vulnerable adult and need safeguarding from them. Hopefully someone who lives in the US could advise on how systems work there. Wishing you all the best
If you search the National Domestic Abuse hotline and ring them they will advise you on how to access help locally to you