Venting Not sure how much longer I'll be here

[waitpresence]

Honestly just sitting here with the noose around my neck. Nothing really prepared so it's not like im truly a risk tonight. Worst part about all of this is that suicide is so fucking difficult, you just end up wishing it was easier to accomplish. the only method i could use is hanging, and im so fucking broke half the time i cant even really afford to buy the right rope (another thing, too scared to try it with the rope i have now which is more of a cord and im scared of failing). if i wasnt so scared of failing i would have tried already. cant afford drugs, cant let myself drink because it makes my mood so much worse lately, trying not to cut anymore but what for? i never see anyone. and i mean really never. last time i got to see a friend was over 5 weeks ago and when they left i completely fell apart. im so lonely and i feel so empty tonight that i dont even know what to do with the time. i dont want anything anymore. i just feel so empty. cant cope with trauma from sexual abuse. tired of waiting? tired of everything, tired of acting like anything will get better. christmas is a possibility for a date, but then of course you have fucked every future christmas for everyone who has ever known you. but thats the only date i know ill be entirely alone and know i wont be found. so i dont know. i dont think ill make it longer than a few months. i have no one to talk to tonight so im posting here, i dont have a point to this post, i just know all my friends are sick of hearing me say i want to kill myself. hopefully im gone soon

 

[Time]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. If & when you decide to ctb, I just hope that you find peace. I was planning on ctb well before Thanksgiving to avoid ruining future holidays for my family but shit just didn't work out that way. It's not easy but @ the moment it looks like I'm going to be able to stick with that.

Sending you lots of hugs & love your way, waitpresence. Whatever you choose.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Welcome to the forum. Consider us your friend to vent, rant, discuss anything you would like. In a day, after you have made 5 posts, you can privately message me or anyone if you wish your conversation to be more private. Please don't rush into doing anything. You have us now. *hugs*

 

[Hydrokhoos]

I get the SH struggle and the feelings of loneliness and emptiness. If you ever need someone to talk to that gets it and won't judge you feel free to message me. We're all here for you <3

 

[jgm63]

So sorry to hear of your situation. The good news is things are going to get better, whether that is in this lifetime, or in the afterlife, or in your next life.

So everything is going to be okay (although I understand that until then, it's a painful time.....).
For now, just try to find some things you can enjoy somewhat where possible....

Also, if you're able to eat and you're not being tortured or used as a slave, then you are doing a lot better than many.
So I would say try to give some thanks for some of the small good things you have, because that can help bring a better energy into you.....

 

[xxsweetopheliaxx]

Honestly just sitting here with the noose around my neck. Nothing really prepared so it's not like im truly a risk tonight. Worst part about all of this is that suicide is so fucking difficult, you just end up wishing it was easier to accomplish. the only method i could use is hanging, and im so fucking broke half the time i cant even really afford to buy the right rope (another thing, too scared to try it with the rope i have now which is more of a cord and im scared of failing). if i wasnt so scared of failing i would have tried already. cant afford drugs, cant let myself drink because it makes my mood so much worse lately, trying not to cut anymore but what for? i never see anyone. and i mean really never. last time i got to see a friend was over 5 weeks ago and when they left i completely fell apart. im so lonely and i feel so empty tonight that i dont even know what to do with the time. i dont want anything anymore. i just feel so empty. cant cope with trauma from sexual abuse. tired of waiting? tired of everything, tired of acting like anything will get better. christmas is a possibility for a date, but then of course you have fucked every future christmas for everyone who has ever known you. but thats the only date i know ill be entirely alone and know i wont be found. so i dont know. i dont think ill make it longer than a few months. i have no one to talk to tonight so im posting here, i dont have a point to this post, i just know all my friends are sick of hearing me say i want to kill myself. hopefully im gone soon

I hope you find peace. Honestly, if you need anything, let us know. I'm willing to be your friend. Talk to me if you feel on the edge. You don't deserve to feel such pain and misery. It's heartbreaking to me that you've suffered so much and in solitude. You shouldn't ever feel like your existence isn't good enough. To reach that point where there is no future in living, I understand and sympathize with you. Whatever your choice may be, I hope you find happiness. Though personally, I wish you'd live and overcome your suffering. There is goodness in this life, no matter how impossible it may seem at the time. Don't hesitate to seek it out. I'm pretty sure that if you leave, people will hurt over losing you, even if you don't believe it. Your existence matters, you ARE important. You deserve peace and happiness. You are cared for more than you could possibly think, even if it seems like it's just us strangers online. We understand your pain and all of us wish you the best.

 

[BrokenHopes]

Im sorry you are feeling this way. Im sorry you are feeling so lonely thats a horrible feeling. Welcome to this forum. I hope you can find some comfort here and peace in whatever you choose to do. You are always welcome to message me if you want someone to talk with.

 

[waitpresence]

thank you all, sorry for such a late response, ive been trying not to give in much to suicidal thoughts and coming on here isnt helpful to that. but it is of course still hard either way

 

[Elbarado]

Hey waitpresence,

Im so sorry to hear what you went and what you are going through.
I cant even imagine the abusal thing. This fu**ing bastard shall burn in hell.
But please dont harm yourself or ctb.
Try to meet your friends again, as i read you have someone, try to get help from psychologists or any organisation.
They cant change what happened but they can help you to fix the future. May be you have your experience with them,but didnt meet the right one.
Dont let this bastard who did this to you win.
You and your life is worth a lot.
I know im also considering ctb,because i seem to suffer from a very cruel disease ( ALS) and i went through a lot in the past,but i would never let the past win. I just dont want the disease win. Sadly im afraid of death,dont find a quick painless method ( no N,no gun)would leave a lot of loved ones behind, but also cant stand my physical situation longer.
Im a living dead,you are not.
So pleasw fight for your life :*