Not succumbing to ones fate

[a.n.kirillov]

Family dysfunction and trauma are like fate in a way. You see it in all your relatives, how their life path was laid out ahead of them long before they were even born. They were predestined to become alcoholics, narcissists, borderlines, codependants, unemployed and miserable. And then you begin seeing it in yourself. It drags you down into the same endless pit of misery. The alcoholic unemployed uncle you once resented, that you judged harshly because you were naive and thought you'd never end up like him because you're morally superior somehow; you see yourself becoming more and more like him, it's like being cursed and an invisible hand fucking up your life.

That's what fucks me up the most: that my suicide will mean that fate got the better of me. I will distribute the trauma down the line to my brother's children, to my extended family and the cycle of despair will continue on and on.

This makes me realize I still have a vision of myself: of being a responsible brother, a strong and free thinking individual who overcame the suppressive silence, the emotionally stunting environment of his backwards family, who got educated, overcame his fear and inhibition, etc.., etc...

So hard to let that die and admit defeat...

 

[Jean4]

Unless your fate was pre destined. ;)

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Unless your fate was pre destined. ;)

Sure it's deterministic and even worse when you're conscious of it but can't seem to break out of it. It's like double torture.

Isn't that what makes neuroses like ocd so unbearable? You see how unnessessary and ridiculous your suffering is.

Or avoidance. Think about it: articulate, intelligent people actually rather kill themselves than make a phone call.

 

[R_N]

"Fate has no forgiveness for those who dare stand against it..."

 

[Jean4]

Sure it's deterministic and even worse when you're conscious of it but can't seem to break out of it. It's like double torture.

Maybe you aren't supposed to. We were fated to live this crappy life to learn something.

Stan told me that I am stronger than I thought I was for lasting this long. Maybe that was my life's lesson for me to learn. Who knows?

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Maybe you aren't supposed to. We were fated to live this crappy life to learn something.

Stan told me that I am stronger than I thought I was for lasting this long. Maybe that was my life's lesson for me to learn. Who knows?

Sure like adults laughing about a 2-year old throwing a tamper tantrum. I could imagine laughing about my suffering in the afterlife. Hell, I can even see myself laughing about it in this life, ten or fifteen years down the road. But it sure is a cruel cosmic game.

Yes, we are strong. People who contemplate suicide are by definition the strongest of people since they have obviously beared the most suffering.

 

[Jean4]

Sure like adults laughing about a 2-year old throwing a tamper tantrum. I could imagine laughing about my suffering in the afterlife. Hell, I can even see myself laughing about it in this life, ten or fifteen years down the road. But it sure is a cruel cosmic game.

Yes, we are strong. People who contemplate suicide are by definition the strongest of people since they have obviously beared the most suffering.

I know for me, I am a 9/11 First Responder. Having to wrap dead bodies and gather body parts and talking to family members.... not to mention 9/11 related illnesses pushed some of my former coworkers to CTB already. I lasted longer than most.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

My fate has always been to die young. I remember someone in 2nd grade commenting on how my "line of life" on the palm was unusually short. I already escaped it once by not dying as a newborn.
Can't deceive fate for a second time.

 

[JustVisiting]

Maybe you aren't supposed to. We were fated to live this crappy life to learn something.

Stan told me that I am stronger than I thought I was for lasting this long. Maybe that was my life's lesson for me to learn. Who knows?

Maybe Stan was right?

 

[Jean4]

Maybe Stan was right?

I'm trying. Only reason why I am here I think is because I promised him not to follow him. The pain of losing him is more than I can take sometimes.

 

[JustVisiting]

I'm trying. Only reason why I am here I think is because I promised him not to follow him. The pain of losing him is more than I can take sometimes.

I'm so sorry.