Venting Not my time.

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So I was going to hang myself tonight. I was anxious about it but looking forward to it. But I couldn't do it. It's not my time yet.

I think part of it has to do with my dog having a seizure today and that I want to stay with her and cherish her.
But as much as I'm going to hate myself later (tommo) and the future days. I think that there is a small chance that I can still get better.

Small sliver of hope. I'm starting outpatient treatment 7 hours a day for 4-6 weeks and I'm anxious af about it. No idea how I'm going to do it. But if I manage to do it, it might help. I can get better guidance on meds and therapy. So maybe it'll help. I'm telling myself what do I got to loose but as I write this I'm starting to feel shitty again.

Might even try to squirm my way out of having to do outpatient. No idea how that'll work. If I don't do outpatient I would still like to see a psychiatrist to see if that helps. Already seeing a therapist but yeh.

I'm sad because I know I'm condemning myself to more suffering. But I just couldn't do it. I still have meds to try and some therapy. I guess I always will. But I've never see an actual psychiatrist for my meds so maybe that will help.

Yeh idk just venting rant. Needed to let it out. Who knows maybe I'll end up ctb tommo lmao.

but I feel like I havnt quite exhausted all my options

 

[HelloHell]

I totally get what you're saying. good luck on your outpatient treatment! i hope it helps you feel better :)

 

[Pookie]

If there's even a sliver of hope, I would say keep going. You never know, with time and coping skills you can learn to enjoy life again. And your poor doggie needs you. :)

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Small sliver of hope. I'm starting outpatient treatment 7 hours a day for 4-6 weeks and I'm anxious af about it. No idea how I'm going to do it. But if I manage to do it, it might help. I can get better guidance on meds and therapy. So maybe it'll help. I'm telling myself what do I got to loose but as I write this I'm starting to feel shitty again.

You have nothing to lose except the time. You can stick around and see if this outpatient thing works out for you. You're probably *supposed* to feel anxious. You're taking a big step. You got this.

Good luck! You deserve it.

 

[Moon Flower]

I hope everything works out for you <3

 

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Yeh... morning has come and I am regretting it already. Anxiety and depression super high. Trying not to have an anxiety or panic attack

 

[Shotgunjohn]

I'm glad you have some type of hope! I hope outpatient works for you! Have a great day today

 

[CoalmineCanary]

You got this buddy.

 

[k75]

Small sliver of hope. I'm starting outpatient treatment 7 hours a day for 4-6 weeks and I'm anxious af about it. No idea how I'm going to do it. But if I manage to do it, it might help. I can get better guidance on meds and therapy. So maybe it'll help. I'm telling myself what do I got to loose but as I write this I'm starting to feel shitty again.

Is that PHP you're doing?

I've done outpatient 4 or 5 times now. It was really scary at first, but it's actually not that bad and helped me a lot. All but the last time ended up helping me feel so much better for a long time after it was done.

The unexpected bonus is each time I've done the program, I've made at least one valuable friend. They're the easiest to maintain out of my friendships, because obviously we're all struggling and understand things like isolation and anxiety. It's not a secret what the other is going through.

Anyway, I think you're taking a good step by just trying that. You have nothing to lose but time at this point, like @coalminecanary said. If it doesn't work, at least you tried and can proceed with plan A.

 

[AutoTap]

Is that PHP you're doing?

I've done outpatient 4 or 5 times now. It was really scary at first, but it's actually not that bad and helped me a lot. All but the last time ended up helping me feel so much better for a long time after it was done.

The unexpected bonus is each time I've done the program, I've made at least one valuable friend. They're the easiest to maintain out of my friendships, because obviously we're all struggling and understand things like isolation and anxiety. It's not a secret what the other is going through.

Anyway, I think you're taking a good step by just trying that. You have nothing to lose but time at this point, like @coalminecanary said. If it doesn't work, at least you tried and can proceed with plan A.

Yeh it's PHP

 

[Lastsauce]

All but the last time ended up helping me feel so much better for a long time after it was done.

That's how it goes. Therapy loses efficacy over time just like some drugs, especially cognitive behavioral type therapies.

 

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I think I lied to myself to try to give myself hope. Idk don't feel like living. Lol

 

[whywere]

Never a problem! WE are here for you! Take all the time and sort out everything and go from there. Recovery can be great! Be kind to yourself! All my love and empathy towards you!

 

[k75]

I think I lied to myself to try to give myself hope. Idk don't feel like living. Lol

Believe me, I understand the feelings. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I still think it's worth trying to push through that and give it a shot. If you're anything like me, some of that might be depression telling you to not care and not try.

But I really believe it's worth it to try all the things first, because death is final. You can't change your mind and come back. But it'll always be an option later, so you're not missing out by taking a little more time.

That's how it goes. Therapy loses efficacy over time just like some drugs, especially cognitive behavioral type therapies.

It's less that and more that I went to the same program at a different psych hospital, and they were like a horror story. I felt threatened as soon as I entered the building, and it honestly would not have surprised me if they'd tried to lobotomize me on the spot. I can't begin to count the things that were wrong there, but we had one tiny dark room where people kind of sat on the floor (no tables) and on day 2 ECT recommendations were being pushed at me and I never went back. I had to have my therapist tell them to leave me alone and that I quit, because they kept trying to lure me back.

Location matters so much. I still highly recommend PHP in general, but it definitely pays to research how each place runs their program. My normal place is friendly and caring. The staff is very knowledgeable and empathetic. The therapy groups are well run, and they care about basic things like providing chairs and tables because we're there for 6 hours a day. Most importantly, it really helps if you're in crisis.

 

[AutoTap]

Believe me, I understand the feelings. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I still think it's worth trying to push through that and give it a shot. If you're anything like me, some of that might be depression telling you to not care and not try.

But I really believe it's worth it to try all the things first, because death is final. You can't change your mind and come back. But it'll always be an option later, so you're not missing out by taking a little more time.


It's less that and more that I went to the same program at a different psych hospital, and they were like a horror story. I felt threatened as soon as I entered the building, and it honestly would not have surprised me if they'd tried to lobotomize me on the spot. I can't begin to count the things that were wrong there, but we had one tiny dark room where people kind of sat on the floor (no tables) and on day 2 ECT recommendations were being pushed at me and I never went back. I had to have my therapist tell them to leave me alone and that I quit, because they kept trying to lure me back.

Location matters so much. I still highly recommend PHP in general, but it definitely pays to research how each place runs their program. My normal place is friendly and caring. The staff is very knowledgeable and empathetic. The therapy groups are well run, and they care about basic things like providing chairs and tables because we're there for 6 hours a day. Most importantly, it really helps if you're in crisis.

Don't want this to come across as mean or anything I just don't know how to phrase the question. If PHP helped why are you still thinking of ctb?

 

[k75]

Don't want this to come across as mean or anything I just don't know how to phrase the question. If PHP helped why are you still thinking of ctb?

Yeah, I totally understand why you'd ask that. It's very complicated. The short version is that it only helps the mental side of things for me, and I have bigger problems that are physical and permanent. The reason I bother is because it's like a bandaid that helps reset me when I start to spiral. It helps me hang on so I can get everything I want to finish done before I die. For some people, it's what they need to get past the hump and recover. I've seen it with people I kept in touch with, and it's great.

In the meantime, I'm doing therapy to try to come to terms with my situation, but it's not something I want to live with and short of having a time machine or pure magic, nothing can ever repair the damage. Unless you know of a way to replace body parts I don't? LOL
If I'm honest, I don't even want to accept it. I just want back what I lost. Period. Soooo... Here I am, planning and waiting. I'm really trying not to rush.

 

[AutoTap]

Yeah, I totally understand why you'd ask that. It's very complicated. The short version is that it only helps the mental side of things for me, and I have bigger problems that are physical and permanent. The reason I bother is because it's like a bandaid that helps reset me when I start to spiral. It helps me hang on so I can get everything I want to finish done before I die. For some people, it's what they need to get past the hump and recover. I've seen it with people I kept in touch with, and it's great.

In the meantime, I'm doing therapy to try to come to terms with my situation, but it's not something I want to live with and short of having a time machine or pure magic, nothing can ever repair the damage. Unless you know of a way to replace body parts I don't? LOL
If I'm honest, I don't even want to accept it. I just want back what I lost. Period. Soooo... Here I am, planning and waiting. I'm really trying not to rush.

Thanks for answering! I wish you the best, I can't imagine loosing a body part.

 

[k75]

Thank you. :)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I just sat there waiting for that last bit of hope to die so I could finally start trying to ctb tbh