Venting Not meant to be here

[beyondgone]

If we're lucky we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, how many times have you slept and not dreamt? You don't know you're asleep it's just nothingness until you wake up and instantly you're bundled by all the pressures of life, I'm not depressed I'm not crazy or lazy just nothing interests me, i remember in primary school I said il be dead by 30 and I didn't even know what it really meant, I must have been year 2 (I'm from the uk) I don't even know where the comment came from but it has stuck with me this whole time, I'm now 26 I've attempted to ctb on countless occasions and never got it right, on paper I have everything going, financially stable, supportive girlfriend and family, 3 children and yet I feel empty, I know I'm supposed to love them and I do but it's just not enough, I feel like I'm living to just not disappoint them which is inevitable anyway, we all die we all hurt eachother eventually and I just feel like I don't belong here, no purpose, no goals or ambitions I simply want to sleep forever, I know I'm a piece of shit for willingly abandoning my family but it's selfish of me to stay just to disappoint them anyway, life is meaningless I'm so ungrateful and I can't change I'm just not meant to be here

 

[Amakishiyo]

Have you tried any options to change that so far besides ctb? Some people actually just are really depressed because of very wrong chemical balances in the brain that can lead to them feeling this way, even if life is going alright for them. It might be worth looking into medical help, trying actual anti depressants or similar if you haven't.
I just very highly doubt you aren't depressed, it definitely does sound like it.

There might be things left worth trying, for yourself and for your family. In any worst cases just try something crazy and new, who knows what can happen, could even be drugs, maybe shrooms or lsd. It did change the perspective of some people so if you feel like the effort might be worth it before ending it all it could be worth looking into it. But that is only your decision to take, I wish you all the best either way.

 

[SilentSadness]

I also usually wish to be asleep, sometimes when I'm awake I wonder if we ever truly are asleep or if we just warp through time to when we are awake and suffering. It's so hard to ctb in this world and I wish it wasn't made so unnecessarily difficult because of the delusions of some people. Life is definitely meaningless and I don't think you're ungrateful, for what anyway as we are all here just to suffer with happiness just out of reach. I hope that you find peace in this two faced reality.

 

[beyondgone]

Have you tried any options to change that so far besides ctb? Some people actually just are really depressed because of very wrong chemical balances in the brain that can lead to them feeling this way, even if life is going alright for them. It might be worth looking into medical help, trying actual anti depressants or similar if you haven't.
I just very highly doubt you aren't depressed, it definitely does sound like it.

There might be things left worth trying, for yourself and for your family. In any worst cases just try something crazy and new, who knows what can happen, could even be drugs, maybe shrooms or lsd. It did change the perspective of some people so if you feel like the effort might be worth it before ending it all it could be worth looking into it. But that is only your decision to take, I wish you all the best either way.

I have tried everything, I'm currently on 3 different medications they make little difference and if they do it's not long lived until the dose is upped or changed completely, Ive tried exercising martial arts intense exercise for 8 years I'm able bodied I've worked all up and down the country yet nothing brings me meaning or interests me in the slightest, I use to drink just to feel something other than nothing but I stopped for my family when my girlfriend fell pregnant, I can sit there hand on her belly feeling my own son moving yet I feel nothing emotionally and it breaks me it doesn't feel real, I have already failed two children and what's the point in even having children In this world when it's nothing but suffering they are born to just watch everyone around them grow old and die everyone they ever loves dies and then they have children and repeat the whole process of misery

 

[Amakishiyo]

I have tried everything, I'm currently on 3 different medications they make little difference and if they do it's not long lived until the dose is upped or changed completely, Ive tried exercising martial arts intense exercise for 8 years I'm able bodied I've worked all up and down the country yet nothing brings me meaning or interests me in the slightest, I use to drink just to feel something other than nothing but I stopped for my family when my girlfriend fell pregnant, I can sit there hand on her belly feeling my own son moving yet I feel nothing emotionally and it breaks me it doesn't feel real, I have already failed two children and what's the point in even having children In this world when it's nothing but suffering they are born to just watch everyone around them grow old and die everyone they ever loves dies and then they have children and repeat the whole process of misery

Well I definitely agree with the last part and it also seemed like you tried to change things, so I don't really know, makes me wonder though why you even decided to have kids if you think like that?

 

[Zegers]

Just i wonder why life is hell for some and something even enjoyable for others.

 

[beyondgone]

My first was magical I was only young and social services got involved due to our age 16 and 17 but the pregnancy was pure magic I felt alive and purpose but things didn't turn out and even with a court order in place we split up and she denied me access to my son, she then went on to have 2 other children with two other partners and they all were domestically violent around my son and traumatised him, one of her partners shook their youngest child and now all 3 children are in care and my oldest son doesn't want to know me because he's confused me with the other males, my second child I was older, stable and ready, the pregnancy was smooth but when she was born something just didn't feel right she didn't feel like my child and 6 months later ran off with one of my so called friends, the family court system failed me the first time why would I go back there for a child that could potentially not be mine, yet now she's older she does look like me, now my girlfriend is pregnant and I'm just so cold to it and it doesn't make sense, I want to feel I want to love how they deserve to be loved yet I just can't for some reason it's like I'm stuck behind glass watching myself banging and screaming yet I can't hear me, what kind of father is that nothing brings me joy anymore I don't belong here

 

[SexyIncél]

My first was magical I was only young and social services got involved due to our age 16 and 17 but the pregnancy was pure magic I felt alive and purpose but things didn't turn out and even with a court order in place we split up and she denied me access to my son, she then went on to have 2 other children with two other partners and they all were domestically violent around my son and traumatised him, one of her partners shook their youngest child and now all 3 children are in care and my oldest son doesn't want to know me because he's confused me with the other males

That was incredibly traumatizing -- and evil. That must turn a mind very, very dark. And maybe there's a guilt-ridden helplessness staring at this horrorshow unfold

I mean, I don't know, but I imagine that's how I'd feel. Hope my thoughts don't sound patronizing. I hate how often you just can't trust people, in a world that punishes every mistake. Trustworthy people are rare

 

[beyondgone]

That was incredibly traumatizing -- and evil. That must turn a mind very, very dark. And maybe there's a guilt-ridden helplessness staring at this horrorshow unfold

I mean, I don't know, but I imagine that's how I'd feel. Hope my thoughts don't sound patronizing. I hate how often you just can't trust people, in a world that punishes every mistake. Trustworthy people are rare

I felt no anger towards her, the relationship wasn't working and people move on, yeah my trust or what was left certainly took a hit but I still had my house, my dogs and a great job so that's what I did threw myself into work and gym stayed single for 2 years and no matter what I did always felt empty then my girlfriend come along we've known eachother for 9 years already at this point either it was the alcohol or maybe I felt something but eventually the emptiness just comes flooding right back and I just feel unable to open up and love them how they should be

 

[SexyIncél]

Was the violence to your son a factor in your feelings?

 

[beyondgone]

Was the violence to your son a factor in your feelings?

Yeah massively, what can I do act out and go to jail be the monster everyone wants me to be, I had to stay calm for him I fought for him and he doesn't want to know me

 

[SexyIncél]

Hmm... makes me think that all these social rules turn people dead inside. Especially after events like becoming a parent, which unleashes the inner monster, beyond human law. These rules bottle up passions to do what needs to be done

Maybe that explains movies where an outsider swoops in and rights wrongs. Because they're unbound by boring social relations, so they can disappear at will. As well as having skills making them hard to catch

 

[beyondgone]

Hmm... makes me think that all these social rules turn people dead inside. Especially after events like becoming a parent, which unleashes the inner monster, beyond human law. These rules bottle up passions to do what needs to be done

Maybe that explains movies where an outsider swoops in and rights wrongs. Because they're unbound by boring social relations, so they can disappear at will. As well as having skills making them hard to catch

All these laws and rules are what make people depressed, we're not built for this life we have been conditioned to it, we're just chimps forced into a cage we call civilisation, I don't want to hurt anyone we are all suffering I'd rather let them live their own hell and end mine, I would feel bad for my family but they will understand eventually but what does it matter I will be gone and finally at peace

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is just an endless cycle of suffering that exists all for no reason and just continues to repeat. The existence of life certainly is a tragedy, and I also see myself as not being meant to be here. I certainly believe that the only true relief from the torment that existing brings could ever lie in death, if only the option was there to just fall asleep for all eternity then that would be ideal.