I know this feeling really well and can relate as I've been through similar things in the past. Before I acquired my method near the end of 2018, I felt uneasy and feeble, unable to exit this hellish existence called 'life'. I felt that I had no other option but the default option, which is to be alive (didn't have the means for a reliable bus). After acquiring my method (a firearm) near end of 2018, I felt this surge of relief and control since I know that if things become too unbearable and I don't wish to continue fighting, I could always punch my bus ticket to get on the bus to the unknown. Having a way out (even if it isn't used) can bring a lot of relief to people who otherwise might be plagued and stunned by the inability to exit this cruel existence on one's own terms.
Ever since the beginning of this year, having (temporarily?) forgone my method as I had to move back home with parents (living arrangement changes) in 2020, then this pandemic, and all the shit that is to come, I've once more felt the sense of powerlessness as I no longer enjoyed the privacy and freedom I once had when I lived out on my own. Furthermore, the lack of immediate access to my method brings back the feelings I once had before 2019. Had I known that my life was going to make a turn for the worse in 2020, I would have just checked out at end of 2019 to spare myself all this hellish existence, but hindsight is 20/20.
While I wouldn't claim that 2019 is a beautiful year for me, it certainly had it's ups and downs, but the key aspect that made it bearable and helped me power through is the ability to check out at a moment's notice if/should things become too difficult and when I don't wish to continue. Having that ability enabled me to take risks and do things that I normally wouldn't do or too chickenshit to do, leading to great rewards and returns. Because the worst thing that could happen in my mind is that things turn to shit, which means I could just CTB and not suffer anymore.
