Not great, Bob!

[bloodbank]

I hit a good few days last week, I felt motivated and like things could really turn around. Tried to be healthy, tried not to drink as much and whatnot.

Maybe it was seeing my brother and his family - they have a beautiful home, he and his wife are a good team, and my nephew is the best baby (no offense to other babies). But driving back to an empty home, and knowing I'm more likely to win the lottery than get anything like what they have, was a kick in the teeth. But I rallied, I thought I could pull it together.

Maybe it's having a birthday on the horizon or a friend's comment that I'm "going through a hard time" but I realized I'm always in a hard time. It's been over four years since I felt like my birthday was something worth celebrating. One of those birthdays, I felt like things were turning around. They didn't. They got worse. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing on the horizon that makes me think there's a point to pushing myself forward.

I have -$32 in my bank account and there's no reason to believe I'll ever even be financially solvent. I had three drinks before 1pm because I just can't stand feeling so trapped. I really just don't want to be here anymore.

 

[Hope:-)]

It can be hard when you see what someone else has. I'm so used to it that I think I mostly keep it subconscious. I find it surreal to see what a different position to my friends I'm in. I feel trapped in my living situation and trapped financially relying on someone I don't want to so yeah I can definitely relate,

Remember, you had a few good days. That's a really big deal! I haven't had good days in years. Is it possible to recreate the reasons for those good days again?

 

[bloodbank]

It can be hard when you see what someone else has. I'm so used to it that I think I mostly keep it subconscious. I find it surreal to see what a different position to my friends I'm in. I feel trapped in my living situation and trapped financially relying on someone I don't want to so yeah I can definitely relate,

Remember, you had a few good days. That's a really big deal! I haven't had good days in years. Is it possible to recreate the reasons for those good days again?

I guess my good days were largely thinking about my nephew and how much I love him. I've read how much more likely it is for someone to CTB if a family member does, so the thought that I would contribute to setting him up for failure gives me a burst of motivation to get it together and find a way out of this feeling. I tried to maintain the good days with being healthy and exercising and mediating, but it didn't last and now I feel so guilty for even feeling this way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I know that it's dreadful when things just get worse. Life really is so depressing and disappointing. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through.

 

[Rational man]

I hit a good few days last week, I felt motivated and like things could really turn around. Tried to be healthy, tried not to drink as much and whatnot.

Maybe it was seeing my brother and his family - they have a beautiful home, he and his wife are a good team, and my nephew is the best baby (no offense to other babies). But driving back to an empty home, and knowing I'm more likely to win the lottery than get anything like what they have, was a kick in the teeth. But I rallied, I thought I could pull it together.

Maybe it's having a birthday on the horizon or a friend's comment that I'm "going through a hard time" but I realized I'm always in a hard time. It's been over four years since I felt like my birthday was something worth celebrating. One of those birthdays, I felt like things were turning around. They didn't. They got worse. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing on the horizon that makes me think there's a point to pushing myself forward.

I have -$32 in my bank account and there's no reason to believe I'll ever even be financially solvent. I had three drinks before 1pm because I just can't stand feeling so trapped. I really just don't want to be here anymore.

i think the financial situation globally is about to take a bad turn. Still we need food on the table. I feel your sadness but you sound like a good person with a kind heart. I think it is a paradox when we judge the value of the materialist head against the priceless value of the kind heart. I wish you peace❤