Venting Not fit for survival.

[laceandsilk]

To be honest, life has been better.
I no longer live with my abusers, I have people who care for me, I have food, and I have a roof over my head. I'm grateful.
I don't think I deserve even this much, and I know there are people who have far less.
And yet, despite all this, I feel like perhaps it is too late for me.

And I feel like scum. I feel pathetic, ungrateful, and worthless for it.
I think if I was a stronger person, I could still make something of my life.
However, I simply don't know if I will ever overcome my trauma, anxiety, or fears.
I think I will spend all of my life in fear of ever starting anything, or being firm in anything.
When I was still in school, I would have a meltdown and cry before going into any class because I was convinced they hated me and didn't want me in there.
At any job I've had, eventually my mental state deteriorates to be anxious the whole day because any time I make a slight mistake I feel as if I don't deserve to be there.
I greatly struggle in refusing requests from anyone, even if it is unreasonable, from the fear that I'm the one being rude and that I should be more understanding of their situation.

And I know that reading all of this anyone must be thinking that I should just grow a goddamn backbone. I know.
"What's the worst that could happen?"
I don't know. And yet, I can't bring myself to do anything about it.
It's utterly pathetic.
I feel like one of those sheep that get so used to the presence of the electric fence, that once it is removed, they still remain in the area in which they were contained.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this, being an utterly useless slug, too anxious to do anything meaningful with my life.
I fear I will be like this my whole life.
I just don't know if living a life in a constant state of fear or numbness is something that is worth it.
I feel awful for my partner who must put up with me and my constant breakdowns. He is so supportive, but I don't know how long that will last, and how long it will take for him to get sick of me. He says that he could not live without me, and the fear of hurting him keeps me alive, but I don't know if maybe it is better for him if I wasn't here.

I'm sorry for sounding like an absolute spoiled brat and just whining about this.

 

[FuneralCry]

You don't even sound spoiled at all, your suffering is perfectly valid and it must be really tiring what you have to go through. The reality is that life really is so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[laceandsilk]

You don't even sound spoiled at all, your suffering is perfectly valid and it must be really tiring what you have to go through. The reality is that life really is so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you for the support. I always see you taking the time to reply to others, and it is both appreciated and admired.

 

[StaticCryBabye]

I want you to know that I hear you and I understand that life has not been easy for you. What you're feeling is completely understandable given the trauma you've experienced, and you shouldn't feel like it's a weakness to struggle with anxiety and fear.

It's important to remember that healing from trauma takes time and it's not always a straight line. You can take things at your own pace and it's okay to ask for support when you need it.

I know you feel like you don't deserve the good things in your life, but you are worthy of love and support. Your partner cares for you deeply and wants to be there for you. That's a clear indication of your worth as a person.

 

[laceandsilk]

I want you to know that I hear you and I understand that life has not been easy for you. What you're feeling is completely understandable given the trauma you've experienced, and you shouldn't feel like it's a weakness to struggle with anxiety and fear.

It's important to remember that healing from trauma takes time and it's not always a straight line. You can take things at your own pace and it's okay to ask for support when you need it.

I know you feel like you don't deserve the good things in your life, but you are worthy of love and support. Your partner cares for you deeply and wants to be there for you. That's a clear indication of your worth as a person.

Thank you for your kind words and support, and taking time to leave a response. If you decide to cease response at any time, please know you are free to with no animosity or pressure from me. (Also, I really like your pfp and banner.)

I suppose my worry is that the healing will perhaps take my whole life. I already feel so behind, and I just don't know what I can possibly do to catch up or if it will amount to anything. If it is worth it at all. Or if it is worth it for others to put up with me while I struggle. I don't know if moving past trauma is something that is even possible for me. That's not really something anyone can answer, besides me, I know. I just think the answer might be a resounding "no," and I am struggling on how to proceed if that is the case. There are no definite answers, and I'm mostly complaining and chastising myself.

Nevertheless, thank you so much for reaching out. I can tell from your response you are someone kind and anyone who knows you is lucky.

 

[pickajack]

You are not a brat. Expressing pain and distress is not whining.
As firmly as I believe that in your case, I'm a hypocrite because I struggle with the same thoughts.
As a child I was constantly told that I was spoiled and weak. And now I tell myself that every day.
It's fucked, but the lines we get fed as children can become our perception of reality.

I ask myself the same questions about whether attempting to heal is even worth it.
But I don't think we have to "catch up" to anything.
If working toward healing eases the pain and moves you into even some relief and enjoyment--go for it.
Sending you support and encouragement. Glad you have a supportive partner.

 

[laceandsilk]

You are not a brat. Expressing pain and distress is not whining.
As firmly as I believe that in your case, I'm a hypocrite because I struggle with the same thoughts.
As a child I was constantly told that I was spoiled and weak. And now I tell myself that every day.
It's fucked, but the lines we get fed as children can become our perception of reality.

I ask myself the same questions about whether attempting to heal is even worth it.
But I don't think we have to "catch up" to anything.
If working toward healing eases the pain and moves you into even some relief and enjoyment--go for it.
Sending you support and encouragement. Glad you have a supportive partner.

Thank you for saying that, sincerely. I hope you can extend the same kind words to yourself one day. In the meantime, I hope my small words can reach you the tiniest bit when I say you are not spoiled or weak either. You have made it this far, and you are considerate enough to comfort another. Parents are just people who fucked one day, and don't determine your value or worth. (I know, I'm also being a massive fucking hypocrite.)

I know that logically, you're right. Playing "catch-up," is a fool's game when there are 7 billion other people on this earth. I'm just not ever sure if I'll be rid of that need/insecurity. I guess that's a part of the "healing". Thank you again for stopping by. Please let me know if you ever need any encouragement or support as well.