Venting Not everyone gets to be happy in life

[SanguineShark]

I hate how everyone pretends that if you do things right, then you will be happy in life. I hate it. I did everything I could for years, and I'm still back at the bottom, thinking about suicide daily. If life could be so happy then I wouldn't feel like this. I have friends, I have hobbies, I try everything but nothing fills the hole and it never will. I think awareness is torture, I didn't ask to be like this, I didn't ask to be born. I go through life, being thrown around and hurt, and eventually I just sit alone, crying and I ask myself "Have you had enough?". I have. I tried medication, I tried therapy, I tried everything but it's pointless. Nothing will ever heal me as I'm broken beyond fixable. I don't really have a plan, I just know I have a bunch of meds I could use to overdose with by mixing with alcohol. Idk why I'm still here, maybe for my cat? But witnessing her dying of old age would be even more painful... I can't tell any of my friends how far I am into suicidal thinking, they won't understand.

 

[Darkover]

a lot of people have terrible lives here for no fault of thier own just born into the wrong machine or wrong family

 

[leavingsoon99]

Life really is a "luck of the draw". I mean, look at Anthony Bourdain. Why in the world would HE commit suicide? Yet, he did. Like you, I grabbed life by the horns and really made a go of this. Yet, I've come to the conclusion that living just isn't for me. I'm not really sad about that though, just hurt that my optimism deceived me into thinking that life and humans could be more than what they are. Awareness does suck in this reality.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

Unfortunally is true, not everyone gets to be happy
In my opinion most people are depressed especially when they feel they are getting old

 

[SanguineShark]

a lot of people have terrible lives here for no fault of thier own just born into the wrong machine or wrong family

Yep. I was born into a toxic, divorced family. I was bullied my whole life, I never fit in as I was always "the weirdo". I was depressed since age 13 (almost gonna hit 10 year anniversary..) I did not ask to have like fucking 7 mental disorders/illnesses. I'm just broken, how long can I hold onto the tiny "happy" parts of life that just fall apart or disappear so fast? Like yeah I meet up with friends, I'm happy for a moment, but when it's over I have to live through the friendship falling apart which just fucks up my brain even more. I'm unable to make these "trades" anymore, risking my mental health for connection with people that is just so fragile.

Life really is a "luck of the draw". I mean, look at Anthony Bourdain. Why in the world would HE commit suicide? Yet, he did. Like you, I grabbed life by the horns and really made a go of this. Yet, I've come to the conclusion that living just isn't for me. I'm not really sad about that though, just hurt that my optimism deceived me into thinking that life and humans could be more than what they are. Awareness does suck in this reality.

I guess everyone has their reasons. For me I'm just tired of this literal torture that is experiencing life while having my mental issues. I get severe panic attacks from friends sending me messages, as my brain just expects the worst, but "the worst" doesn't come. I panic for no reason at all, and my extreme anxiety just destroys my friendships further, which self-sabotages me into actually losing them. I feel like a clown, like my life is a joke, a cruel one. How does living benefit me in any way? I think the miserable moments where I cry for hours, where I feel depressed and alone, aren't worth experiencing as a trade for the small, happy moments. The physical pain I feel from my mental issues is debilitating.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that having the ability to be conscious and aware is such a terrible thing, it only leads to even more suffering, existence is just a horrific mistake to me in general, I despise this reality and how people continue to force life here so cruelly. But it's undeniable that existing here is so torturous and it does sound so tiring what you go through, it's such an dreadful world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. It's tiring not to find anything to get a feeling of happiness and joy and it's painful not to be able to talk about the real feelings and wishes with friends coz they would never understand them. It's so exhausting. I peronally would not recommend to try ctb with an OD + alc. this usually causes physical damage and pain to your body rather then actual ctb. There are way better methods should you still want to ctb. I hope you can find peace!

 

[SanguineShark]

I think that having the ability to be conscious and aware is such a terrible thing, it only leads to even more suffering, existence is just a horrific mistake to me in general, I despise this reality and how people continue to force life here so cruelly. But it's undeniable that existing here is so torturous and it does sound so tiring what you go through, it's such an dreadful world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

I agree 100%, Like... I don't think evolving into being like this was a good thing. I would like to be less conscious... I wish I could sleep forever and be done with this bullshit

 

[Superdeterminist]

I believe we are being forced to be in whatever state we find ourselves in at any moment in time (determism). So the unhappy people are forced to be unhappy, and the happy, happy. It reveals life to be quite an evil thing, since it is forcing suffering to be felt, often egregious levels of it. I have a resentment against existence because of this. Of course everyone is concerned mostly with their own suffering and we suffer for variable reasons. This makes things even more isolating and bleak.

 

[SanguineShark]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. It's tiring not to find anything to get a feeling of happiness and joy and it's painful not to be able to talk about the real feelings and wishes with friends coz they would never understand them. It's so exhausting. I peronally would not recommend to try ctb with an OD + alc. this usually causes physical damage and pain to your body rather then actual ctb. There are way better methods should you still want to ctb. I hope you can find peace!

Thank you for the empathy. I have Xanax, pregabalin and some old SSRI's, I think it would be a strong combo, no? Or did I just get misinformed?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thank you for the empathy. I have Xanax, pregabalin and some old SSRI's, I think it would be a strong combo, no? Or did I just get misinformed?

Any OD is dangerous because each body is different and there are many factors that have to be taken into account here. Perhaps if you have access to morphines and such it's liklier to be successful with an OD but in all other cases the chances are high not to succeed. You can look in the Suicide Resource Compilation in the sticky threads for recommended methods.

 

[SanguineShark]

Any OD is dangerous because each body is different and there are many factors that have to be taken into account here. Perhaps if you have access to morphines and such it's liklier to be successful with an OD but in all other cases the chances are high not to succeed. You can look in the Suicide Resource Compilation in the sticky threads for recommended methods.

I know it probably doesn't change much but I forgot to mention I also have quetiapine. I'll look for other resources too, though I'm not sure I'd risk buying anything online, I do have some contacts to drug dealers, but they mainly sell stimulants. Ngl I was hoping the OD method would be good enough...

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I know it probably doesn't change much but I forgot to mention I also have quetiapine. I'll look for other resources too, though I'm not sure I'd risk buying anything online, I do have some contacts to drug dealers, but they mainly sell stimulants. Ngl I was hoping the OD method would be good enough...

When you have a few more posts the search and chat function wil be activated.

Quetiapine overdose

Hi have about 40 tablets of 200mg quetiapine modified release. I also have some zopiclone and lorazepam. But only about ten tablets of each. Would this be enough to ctb. Im 5ft 3 and small build. I’d planned to ctb further on but I really have nothing left to keep holding on. Living is like a...

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[LittleJem]

Thank you for the empathy. I have Xanax, pregabalin and some old SSRI's, I think it would be a strong combo, no? Or did I just get misinformed?

no, ssri od not fatal nor pregablin nor xanax

 

[willitpass]

I feel the same way. I had a traumatic upbringing but my life is amazing now. I have a dream job and am going to school for an even bigger dream job, I have a cat, I have loving siblings and a loving father, I have a couple friends, I have hobbies, I have plans for the future. Yet nothing fulfills me enough to want to continue living. I am destined to be depressed and suicidal as long as I am living.