Help not even a hug. ctb thoughts

[sufferingalways]

hi, i have gone from feeling so-so on a daily basis to much less able to remain at that mid level, due to emotional coldness from someone i thought was a friend. i feel dumb for hoping for warmth. sadly this persons coldness pushes me more towards planning ctb. On top of all the other abuses, this is too much. I do not want to live any more. I cant cope. life is torture. every direction is abuse (neighbour/ landlord /) now the person i share the flat with, known for over 25 years and who i *thought* was a friend. They know I suffer with ctb thoughts, and why. I make it open communication, which we both agree on. Being open, I mean. We agreed a long time ago, on being "Don't beat about the bush or bottle it up, spit it out," kind of people.

I now feel dumb for expecting this warmth from him. Its almost like i have to be .. i don't know what point .. I'm not coherent at the moment because as well as starved of night sleep im now disturbed daily by drilling after ive been asleep only 5 hrs or 6. I really need to ctb soon. this is not a life. as someone else on here stated so clearly and concise, if this is a gift, this life, give me the receipt so i can return it. appreciated the phrase. it fits for me too.

before this landlord deprived me of sleep, i did not suffer with ctb thoughts.

If anyone can send a hug please i would appreciate it. I feel so alone.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Hugs!!!!

 

[CC123]

Many Hugs

 

[somniummalum]

I feel you.
Though I have to say, it is not a wise decision to let other humans have that much control over how you feel. Yeah, people are dickheads, nothing new here.
It is sometimes more healthy to disconnect emotionally to a bit where you can just take the good things from people, and the negative stuff you don't give a fuck about. You don't let it get to you so much.
Unfortunatly we live in a society where people in need of love get more and more isolated.

 

[Fullof pain]

Big hugs and lots of love

 

[sufferingalways]

I feel you.
Though I have to say, it is not a wise decision to let other humans have that much control over how you feel. Yeah, people are dickheads, nothing new here.
It is sometimes more healthy to disconnect emotionally to a bit where you can just take the good things from people, and the negative stuff you don't give a fuck about. You don't let it get to you so much.
Unfortunatly we live in a society where people in need of love get more and more isolated.

I hear you. Thank you for this reminder. I think there is no option but to go separate ways. This persons coldness is something I really can't cope with. Nor will I change who I am. Cheers. for your words.

hi, i have gone from feeling so-so on a daily basis to much less able to remain at that mid level, due to emotional coldness from someone i thought was a friend. i feel dumb for hoping for warmth. sadly this persons coldness pushes me more towards planning ctb. On top of all the other abuses, this is too much. I do not want to live any more. I cant cope. life is torture. every direction is abuse (neighbour/ landlord /) now the person i share the flat with, known for over 25 years and who i *thought* was a friend. They know I suffer with ctb thoughts, and why. I make it open communication, which we both agree on. Being open, I mean. We agreed a long time ago, on being "Don't beat about the bush or bottle it up, spit it out," kind of people.

I now feel dumb for expecting this warmth from him. Its almost like i have to be .. i don't know what point .. I'm not coherent at the moment because as well as starved of night sleep im now disturbed daily by drilling after ive been asleep only 5 hrs or 6. I really need to ctb soon. this is not a life. as someone else on here stated so clearly and concise, if this is a gift, this life, give me the receipt so i can return it. appreciated the phrase. it fits for me too.

before this landlord deprived me of sleep, i did not suffer with ctb thoughts.

If anyone can send a hug please i would appreciate it. I feel so alone.

Hugs!!!!

thank you @Brokenwithbpd much appreciated <3

Many Hugs

hi CC123 thank you for hugs, much appreciated. <3

Big hugs and lots of love

Thank you, appreciate the hugs and love. I feel stupid for allowing myself to be vulnerable like this. You would think after so many years of being the target for abusers, that I would learn not to trust again!
I can't believe I let my guard down. Never again. Never.

 

[TAW122]

I send you *hugs* from my computer screen.

 

[SterileMoth]

if this is a gift, this life, give me the receipt so i can return it. appreciated the phrase. it fits for me too.

This is something I've thought for years. If someone gave me a bag of their own dung and called it a gift, I would never accept it I'd toss it out immediately. That's what life is. Poop in a bag that everyone expects us to be delighted with.

Hugs to you dude ♡ maybe if you spent a few nights in a hotel that would help a bit?

 

[maru.]

hi, i have gone from feeling so-so on a daily basis to much less able to remain at that mid level, due to emotional coldness from someone i thought was a friend. i feel dumb for hoping for warmth. sadly this persons coldness pushes me more towards planning ctb. On top of all the other abuses, this is too much. I do not want to live any more. I cant cope. life is torture. every direction is abuse (neighbour/ landlord /) now the person i share the flat with, known for over 25 years and who i *thought* was a friend. They know I suffer with ctb thoughts, and why. I make it open communication, which we both agree on. Being open, I mean. We agreed a long time ago, on being "Don't beat about the bush or bottle it up, spit it out," kind of people.

I now feel dumb for expecting this warmth from him. Its almost like i have to be .. i don't know what point .. I'm not coherent at the moment because as well as starved of night sleep im now disturbed daily by drilling after ive been asleep only 5 hrs or 6. I really need to ctb soon. this is not a life. as someone else on here stated so clearly and concise, if this is a gift, this life, give me the receipt so i can return it. appreciated the phrase. it fits for me too.

before this landlord deprived me of sleep, i did not suffer with ctb thoughts.

If anyone can send a hug please i would appreciate it. I feel so alone.

First things first, i'm sending you many virtual hugs, wish i could hug you in real life tho, cuz hugs are cool and the internet can't really replicate it exactly.

Now, if you don't want to talk more about the situation, i understand it and respect it, i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
But if you're ok with it, i'd appreciate knowing more of what's going on.
The abuse you suffer from your landlord, neighbour and this roommate, what is it like exactly, like, the things they do?
And this roommate specifically, for you both to have this open communication stuff, it shows to me that you should at least care for one another.
Like, they know you want to ctb, and do the things that make you sad anyway? Or do they not know what they're doing wrong?
Because if they do, that's a damn weird "friendship" right there.

 

[somniummalum]

First things first, i'm sending you many virtual hugs, wish i could hug you in real life tho, cuz hugs are cool and the internet can't really replicate it exactly.

Now, if you don't want to talk more about the situation, i understand it and respect it, i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
But if you're ok with it, i'd appreciate knowing more of what's going on.
The abuse you suffer from your landlord, neighbour and this roommate, what is it like exactly, like, the things they do?
And this roommate specifically, for you both to have this open communication stuff, it shows to me that you should at least care for one another.
Like, they know you want to ctb, and do the things that make you sad anyway? Or do they not know what they're doing wrong?
Because if they do, that's a damn weird "friendship" right there.

I would like to know too.