Not doing well

[ishbrain]

I think I just need to get this out somewhere

Been planning on full suspension, almost attempted again today but still couldn't get past SI to step off the stool. My fiancé told me he's planning to ctb within the next couple days and it feels like the final nail in the coffin. I want so badly to help him and be there for him and I know it's so incredibly selfish of me to say because I'm in the same boat but I don't want him to go. A big part of me wants to tell someone because I feel so helpless, like anything I say or do isn't going to help. he was adamant I don't tell anyone and I'm so torn. He's really all I'm holding on to.
Been crying so hard off and on all day. Either nothing feels real or the emotional pain turns physical and I want to try to ctb again tonight

 

[sugarh1gh]

Just out of curiosity, is there a way you could do it together?
I mean, if he is going to do it, and you want to do it, why not do it together?
I am sorry if it was a blunt question.

 

[goodjunkies]

I'm sorry it is that way. It is one thing to be suffering yourself, and another to see the ones you love suffering. I wish only the best for the both of you, especially through these tough times.

U are so strong and have made it so far already <3
Best wishes to you, I am here if you ever need to chat

 

[albstr1403]

Just out of curiosity, is there a way you could do it together?
I mean, if he is going to do it, and you want to do it, why not do it together?
I am sorry if it was a blunt question.

I thought the same. It'd be romantic in its own twisted nice kind of way and less lonely.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry. I completely understand, I don't think it's selfish. I think it's natural instinct to want to protect someone you love from dying. I'm really sorry you're in this situation</3

 

[ishbrain]

Just out of curiosity, is there a way you could do it together?
I mean, if he is going to do it, and you want to do it, why not do it together?
I am sorry if it was a blunt question.

no not at all. Just knowing him for so long I already know the answer would be no. I wouldn't want to be alone during cbt just for that last sort of comfort but I don't want a situation where either backs out last minute, most likely me

I know it's a natural response but I really dk what to do. I'd feel like a huge hypocrite if I went against his wants but even the thought of him not being here anymore is too much to process. I appreciate all the kind words, I don't feel like I can go anywhere else with this atp

 

[set0553]

Never thought about it til just now, but think id probably feel the same if my wife decided to CTB and I was in the same situation. May be time to open up and have a heart to heart about everything and let him know your concerns and thoughts. Its always best to be open and honest communication..