Venting Not being given a moment, but expected to be different

[Life_and_Death]

I'm going to start this off with I miss my old self... The loving little girl that enjoyed the flowers and cared about everyone... When someone hurts I want to hug them until it goes away. I wanted to be there for people. I never wanted to do drugs/drink, have more than 1 "partner" (not bf but "be with someone"). I had honours... i was going to try to get a scholarship and go to college.... open a bakery.... i had high standards and goals for myself....

now all i want is for existence to cease....yeah im suicidal/homicidal.... but have you ever thought to look at the why, instead of only seeing whats in front of you and making a judgement? because i wasnt always this way and i dont want to continue being this way, but that judgement, among many many other things, makes me wonder why i should change my mind when all people are doing is proving me right.

I feel like my leg has been snapped in half, and im being forced to continue to walk on it. How can you expect me to heal, when I'm not getting the rest that I need. You can't expect me to heal and change my mind just because you don't like something. While you think you might be rejecting what's on the surface, you're not. You're rejecting everything deep below it as well. All of the pain, abuse and rejection that caused it in the first place. I'm not being given a single moment to breath... I've been abused and rejected since birth.. and today every time I turn around there's something or someone metaphorically pushing my face into the dirt. Every place I've been, home, school, work, the hospital, the police. Yet I'm expected to just be different. Dont tell me to be different, give me a reason to be. Otherwise, you're just part of the problem.

I want the old me back.... I want to get my GED, and go to college. I want to open my bakery. I want to help feed/clothe the homeless. I want to help animals in need. I want to be the shoulder anyone can go to cry on.
But I'm not being given the breathing room to find her again.....

I read that anger is a reaction, it's a sign that you don't feel safe. How can I possibly feel safe in this world....?

(This post was actually triggered by me being triggered (again) by something off this site. not because of the "suicidal/homicidal" thread)

 

[onbekend]

It really sucks wanting to do all these things but knowing that you've changed to a point where you feel that this is your only option.
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, I hope things get better for you.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Whilst I don't know what it's like to first have a happy life then be suicidal later in life (as I've always wished for death as soon as I knew what it was), it must feel extremely awful to have experienced what life could have been like for you and then lost that due to factors like abuse. I'm sorry for what you're going through, I hope that you find peace or I hope that you find a miracle in which the life you wanted from the start can be possible again

 

[TooConscious]

I think seeking company of people who understand might help.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I think seeking company of people who understand might help.

(im gonna preface this with im sorry for being blunt + im a "little" upset with a few other things, so dont take it personal. its a me thing)

and they would be where??
ive tried hobby places, support groups and even here... i try and i try and i try to reach out for something, anything and it always seems to end with the same result "why did i bother??"
and considering i dont actually want to be homicidal, i dont think im "bad enough" to fit in with them either..

 

[Final_Choice]

I wish I could say something that could help, because it sounds like you do want to live a good life and actually get better. Unfortunately I feel pretty similar and while I'm giving myself some time to improve until the date I have planned to CTB, I don't think I will. I genuinely hope you somehow manage to fulfill your dreams or achieve something you'd like, if not then I hope you at least manage to find peace, in whichever way you'd like.

 

[TooConscious]

(im gonna preface this with im sorry for being blunt + im a "little" upset with a few other things, so dont take it personal. its a me thing)

and they would be where??
ive tried hobby places, support groups and even here... i try and i try and i try to reach out for something, anything and it always seems to end with the same result "why did i bother??"
and considering i dont actually want to be homicidal, i dont think im "bad enough" to fit in with them either..

At least your observation skills are spot on form!