ohhgeeitsme
Wizard
- Feb 5, 2020
- 694
The last few months of last year, all my worries went away when I knew for sure I was going to end my life. My akathisia kept getting worse and I know it was going to get to point where I couldn't take it. I was already suicidal before the akathisia set in with the severe anxiety and depression and partial seizures erasing my long term memory, RA that made playing music impossible which was my love, and blah blah blah. but after that damn akathisia, it was happening, I could NOT handle that. I've had it for five months now. FIVE MONTHS. People have thrown themselves off bridges or in front of trains after just a couple of days with it. The severity comes in waves. Some days better than others, some hours better than others. You just never know.
Let me back up. The last few months of 2019, I had no doubt I was going to be dead by 2020. I stopped paying all my bills months before, I maxed out all my credit cards to buy gifts for others, I stopped trying at work (was a very hard worker for the 5 years I worked there) then eventually stopped going. About a week after I left my job, I tried partial hanging. I tried about three times that week. I just couldn't lose consciousness and the exploding head thing would freak me out and I was afraid I'd just do damage without death and stopped. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able die. I tried again two weeks later, failed. So, now that I'm terrified I'm going to have to stay alive, with all my problems before plus way worse because of all the things I did thinking I was going to die. I ruined my credit, so much debt, evicted from my apartment and landlord is suing for more, I lost a good job (sure I hated it) but it's been the best paying job I've found with great health benefits. I cannot take care of myself. I had to move in with my father hundreds of miles from my friends, at the age of 33. My brother lives here too and is so judgmental. He's convinced my akathisia is just me being cracked out. I now stay locked in my room all day, trying to avoid him. I want to end my life so badly, but I'm afraid I won't figure out a way to and this is just torture. Having to live is just torture. Why the hell do they make it so hard for someone who is in so much pain to peacefully end their life? I'm a good person. I've been good to people. I'm not being selfish. I could write endless pieces of papers about all my reasons, but does that even matter, and who would that even convince?
I just want someone to come and take me away and and hold me until I fall asleep forever. That is never going to happen.
Let me back up. The last few months of 2019, I had no doubt I was going to be dead by 2020. I stopped paying all my bills months before, I maxed out all my credit cards to buy gifts for others, I stopped trying at work (was a very hard worker for the 5 years I worked there) then eventually stopped going. About a week after I left my job, I tried partial hanging. I tried about three times that week. I just couldn't lose consciousness and the exploding head thing would freak me out and I was afraid I'd just do damage without death and stopped. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able die. I tried again two weeks later, failed. So, now that I'm terrified I'm going to have to stay alive, with all my problems before plus way worse because of all the things I did thinking I was going to die. I ruined my credit, so much debt, evicted from my apartment and landlord is suing for more, I lost a good job (sure I hated it) but it's been the best paying job I've found with great health benefits. I cannot take care of myself. I had to move in with my father hundreds of miles from my friends, at the age of 33. My brother lives here too and is so judgmental. He's convinced my akathisia is just me being cracked out. I now stay locked in my room all day, trying to avoid him. I want to end my life so badly, but I'm afraid I won't figure out a way to and this is just torture. Having to live is just torture. Why the hell do they make it so hard for someone who is in so much pain to peacefully end their life? I'm a good person. I've been good to people. I'm not being selfish. I could write endless pieces of papers about all my reasons, but does that even matter, and who would that even convince?
I just want someone to come and take me away and and hold me until I fall asleep forever. That is never going to happen.
