Story Normie school, part 1

[SexyIncél]

Life might as well be fiction. I guess you could call this venting: steam uncurling

I ask no questions, request no advice. I may vomit on the shoes of the so-called 'positive'. The recovery subforum is currently hostile territory for those like me; I'm gingerly testing the waters. But if likeminded people want to chill here with their random thoughts, yes sit in class with me

I was so punished for caring about details. Some were attracted to me at first. But eventually didn't like how I'm sometimes like a wagging dawg, focusing on subtle details to make people's lives easier. A large task can be cut down in little papercuts, given the right kind of doggie-ninja

Cloaking it in pretty philosophies didn't help. They just wanted the results: the ego boost of impressing others. Such people are typically too... one might say they sucked at deferring gratification. But it's not really about deferring gratification. Rather, about seeing beyond the illusion of size; and thus being gratified by "little" things

Due to combinatorial explosion, even tiny spaces explode with possibilities

Of course, many are fine with fiddly details. But they're also typically fine with the status quo -- and fear imagination. Maybe because they understand the true distance between here & there. Intention & reality. But they're no fun, not for me. They use logic to constrain possibilities, not explode them

Fortunately: I'm currently secure with those willing to imaginatively walk with me along fiddly details. Staring at strange scenes in an enigmatic universe

My normie school refuses to be like the others. I was called back from the cusp of nonexistence for a reason. Boredom-tolerance is not my thing. I will not learn to take pleasure in the daily breakfast. I will not "cope." Suffering at least must be beautiful. Passion & pleasure is the means & end

 

[leloyon]

I ask no questions, request no advice. I may vomit on the shoes of the so-called 'positive'. The recovery subforum is currently hostile territory for those like me; I'm gingerly testing the waters. But if likeminded people want to chill here with their random thoughts, yes sit in class with me

Same here. I barely use this part of the forum as a result. I hate optimists.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

The recovery subforum is currently hostile territory for those like me; I'm gingerly testing the waters. But if likeminded people want to chill here with their random thoughts, yes sit in class with me

Maybe I've missed something, but what about this subforum do you find "hostile"? I generally stay on this side of the forum, and I've seen you reply to many threads with quite level-headed messages and interesting insights.

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe I've missed something, but what about this subforum do you find "hostile"? I generally stay on this side of the forum, and I've seen you reply to many threads with quite level-headed messages and interesting insights.

I'm unable to answer now (because gotta do stuff), just letting you know I've been thinking about this, including unconsciously!

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe I've missed something, but what about this subforum do you find "hostile"? I generally stay on this side of the forum, and I've seen you reply to many threads with quite level-headed messages and interesting insights.

Thanks for the kind words!

Why do I suspect hostility?

1. Pro-lifers generally get pushed here
2. My personal perspective is "toxic" here in recovery subforum. (Less so in suicide subforum.) Because it may disturb/depress/trigger recoverers
3. So hostility would be understandable

Normally I just respond to OPs -- so I'm whatever might help them achieve their self-perceived goals. But when I'm the OP... uh-oh, my personal perspective's more privileged. Thus more visible

One "toxic" aspect of my perspective is that I'm personally cool with ctb'ing out of a mundane world. Because this world is abusive and boring, and it's unwise to cling to abusers. (I'm only here because of what almost feels like a glitch in The Matrix -- 4 days before I was going to die, something strange happened. Now I have reasons to alter the world)

Another "toxic" aspect is that I perceive the recovery subforum as the Land of Normie Wannabees -- and that's why I'm here. I'm effectively a normie wannabee. I don't intend to have normie opinions, because I think they're self-defeating. But definitely I need some normie skills to be effective in this world

I'm not sure I've yet written anything toxic for the recovery subforum. But I might on this thread

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Right, I think I understand your overall point. I have a couple of thoughts in response:

Pro-lifers generally get pushed here

I think that's mainly because they're outright unwelcome in the suicide section, not because the recovery subforum is necessarily pro-life or even supportive of such philosophies. Even here, I've seen a few posts that I would describe as pro-life, where the OP gets trashed for posting typical pro-life sentiments.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...tag-no-positivity-wanted.108844/#post-1864825

My personal perspective is "toxic" here in recovery subforum. (Less so in suicide subforum.) Because it may disturb/depress/trigger recoverers

I'm not sure if you're referring to specific beliefs or perspectives of yours, but I tend to pay attention to your posts here (in a non-stalker way) because I find your perspectives interesting, even if I don't share all of them all of the time. I consider them well thought-out, well articulated, and are quite pragmatic more often than not. Or at least I see them that way because they tend to align with my own views. Bias is definitely a possibility here. In any case, though I could imagine a situation where someone is trying to recover and finds non-sugar-coated perspectives depressing or "triggering", I don't think that indicates a problem with you or your perspective. Even if one manages to "recover", there's a lot of grim and depressing shit in the world, so it's not wise to bury one's head in the sand and avoid any notions that are less than cheerful. I would not describe your perspective as "toxic."

One "toxic" aspect of my perspective is that I'm personally cool with ctb'ing out of a mundane world. Because this world is abusive and boring, and it's unwise to cling to abusers. (I'm only here because of what almost feels like a glitch in The Matrix -- 4 days before I was going to die, something strange happened. Now I have reasons to alter the world)

Does that count as "toxic", though? Because if it does, then I'm also toxic as hell. I don't think intense suffering, pain, or trauma is required to consider suicide. My own circumstances are essentially rainbows and unicorns when compared to what others have shared here, yet here I am. I go between feeling disgusted by the world, bored by it, disappointed... Even in the best of circumstances, pain will always be more prevalent than happiness or pleasure. These days I'm focused on doing what I can to reduce pain instead of thinking about ways of checking out of here, but I understand and share the idea of calling it quits because the world is mundane and boring.

Another "toxic" aspect is that I perceive the recovery subforum as the Land of Normie Wannabees -- and that's why I'm here. I'm effectively a normie wannabee. I don't intend to have normie opinions, because I think they're self-defeating. But definitely I need some normie skills to be effective in this world

I guess I'd also qualify as a normie wannabe at times, because functioning in this world sometimes requires you to shut up and play along. Though I don't really try to act like a normie, or speak or think like one. I don't think anyone who knows me in real life would buy the concept of me being a normie, actually. Normies definitely don't, either. I'm more in "functional weirdo" territory, I guess. Doesn't make me super popular, but the people who aren't put off by me being openly weird tend to be folks I can relate to more easily.

Honestly, don't judge yourself so harshly. The recovery subforum does have its pro-lifer elements here and there, but I think having perspectives like yours helps to balance out the situation.

 

[SexyIncél]

Does that count as "toxic", though? Because if it does, then I'm also toxic as hell.

Yeah, I think it's often good to be toxic! For example, decent people often must act toxic to jerks. Hopefully, some threads here allow people to indulge in what's ordinarily poison to them

I'm not sure if you're referring to specific beliefs or perspectives of yours, but I tend to pay attention to your posts here (in a non-stalker way) because I find your perspectives interesting, even if I don't share all of them all of the time. I consider them well thought-out, well articulated, and are quite pragmatic more often than not. Or at least I see them that way because they tend to align with my own views. Bias is definitely a possibility here.

I do stalk ("research" is the polite term) people with attributes I want to steal and internalize. So I'm more than just my moronic self. If you're similar, feel free to ask meta questions about mental models, cognitive hacks and such