I had a nightmare last night. A few actually, because I couldn't sleep, so I had a few different ones.
I don't remember much, there was a party with all these uninvited guests. Then they started to leave, but came back as monsters. Then the nightmare got really bad, I started got tortured hellraiser style, I just remember these clamps on me down either side like a strait-jacket but impaled on me. I didn't wake up and started to feel afraid, then I got taken away to another place of hell. Where they did more stuff to me (don't want to go into detail). My only comfort was my facebook friend was there and I was able to protect her from anything happening to her.
Then the next time I tried to sleep. I found that I was wandering the streets, in pitch black and I was lost. This is another common nightmare and fear/trauma for me, going down pitch black backstreets and bad neighbourhoods and being harassed, assaulted, etc by people on the street. Then in the nightmare a black cat jumped on and I felt bad, I thought that my cat had got lost too. I have to give up my cats soon IRL when I can find a home for them so I will miss them. The second nightmare was a bit scary but not as much as the first when I realised I couldn't escape being tortured.
I tend to get my nightmares before appointments to see someone. I was supposed to see someone today about being homeless, but they didn't turn again, it's the second time it happened. I feel pretty stuck. I don't often dream about death, that would usually wake me up. Lately though, nothing seems to wake me up from nightmares. Anyway I might as well vent about it while I can still talk about and remember. PTSD sucks, triggers suck too. Anxiety sucks, loneliness sucks. The cold sucks, painful nerves suck. I feel sad.
I miss Rebeka and Daniel so much I wish they were still alive. I think this is a sign that I should ctb. Maybe I will see them again. If I could have them back I would never complain about anything ever again. I miss them.
Why has nobody turned up? :(
