Venting nobody has a clue

[brokenwaves]

i'm planning to ctb in like 2-3 weeks from now, and it's weird seeing things from the perspective that i will (hopefully) no longer be here pretty soon. my previous attempts in my life were all super impulsive so i never really experienced this, and it's strange living with it planned out to some extent. one of the biggest things i see is how oblivious everybody is, they have no idea i am so suicidal to the point i plan to ctb in a few weeks. nobody has even asked me how am i feeling in idk how long probably months, they're so consumed in their own dramas. part of me is a little annoyed by this, part of me understands they have their own shit and they don't know the truth anyway so i can't hold it against them. it's just strange to have people come to me with all their problems and petty drama asking for advice and support, and they don't even suspect a thing, they don't even care to ask how i am doing (even though they know i am mentally ill). in a way though, it makes it easier as i don't have people analysing my every move and stressing over this before it even happens. but how sad that nobody around me knows me well enough to even tell that there is something wrong! oh well!

 

[FuneralCry]

I think when I reach that point, nobody will have a clue either. I tend to keep things to myself and if others knew anything was wrong, it would make it harder to actually ctb and they would never leave me alone. I wish you peace if this is the option you choose.

 

[grail]

Me too. I'm glad I don't have someone half-caring about me anymore who I would feel guilty about leaving. Of course I would love to have someone who really cares instead of no one, but I prefer peace of mind over fakeness.

may I ask why you want to ctb, OP? is it because you feel alone and uncared for, or is this just something you've noticed?

 

[brokenwaves]

Me too. I'm glad I don't have someone half-caring about me anymore who I would feel guilty about leaving. Of course I would love to have someone who really cares instead of no one, but I prefer peace of mind over fakeness.

may I ask why you want to ctb, OP? is it because you feel alone and uncared for, or is this just something you've noticed?

of course! the list of reasons is really endless tbh. but it's a mixture of lifelong trauma, severe mental illness, uncaring people, a hatred for the capitalist society i'm trapped in, and more lmao. i'm just exhausted carrying the burden of trauma on my back 24-7, all while being forced to contribute to a toxic society. if i could have a small isolated cottage by the sea with no worries of rent and bills for the rest of my days, i could probably keep going through the pain. but all this shit on top of trying to "live life" is too much. i'm so sick of it all, i want to give myself the mercy this world never showed me

 

[grail]

of course! the list of reasons is really endless tbh. but it's a mixture of lifelong trauma, severe mental illness, uncaring people, a hatred for the capitalist society i'm trapped in, and more lmao. i'm just exhausted carrying the burden of trauma on my back 24-7, all while being forced to contribute to a toxic society. if i could have a small isolated cottage by the sea with no worries of rent and bills for the rest of my days, i could probably keep going through the pain. but all this shit on top of trying to "live life" is too much. i'm so sick of it all, i want to give myself the mercy this world never showed me

I'm really sorry to hear about the trauma. I do agree with how you feel about modern life. I've always had the feeling that I would feel much better if I were born in a different time and a different place. It might sound super first-world, but I do think having more really is less. We've become so reliant on both government and technology to the point that the government can tell us to avoid interaction for a year+ because we can work and "socialize" from home. Meeting friends and being in nature have become obsolete. But from a mental health perspective, they really haven't. I would love to live on a farm with a significant other and kids. I'm sure I wouldn't want to CTB. It's so depressing that what was once considered a simple and common life is now so unobtainable because we no longer have the skills or financial freedom.

sorry for the rant OP but I think it's related to your struggles..

 

[brokenwaves]

I'm really sorry to hear about the trauma. I do agree with how you feel about modern life. I've always had the feeling that I would feel much better if I were born in a different time and a different place. It might sound super first-world, but I do think having more really is less. We've become so reliant on both government and technology to the point that the government can tell us to avoid interaction for a year+ because we can work and "socialize" from home. Meeting friends and being in nature have become obsolete. But from a mental health perspective, they really haven't. I would love to live on a farm with a significant other and kids. I'm sure I wouldn't want to CTB. It's so depressing that what was once considered a simple and common life is now so unobtainable because we no longer have the skills or financial freedom.

sorry for the rant OP but I think it's related to your struggles..

totally feel everything you say! i feel like the world is so cold now, i don't know how anybody feels fulfilled in a 9-5 job working away their entire life just to barely afford to survive, "scheduling in" enjoyment and human interaction. humans have managed to suck nearly all the life out of life itself, it's depressing. and just like you say, it's crazy how something so simple is unobtainable we're just forced to stay on the meaningless conveyor belt of society ugh. they make it impossible to exist outside of their system, it's really hopeless

 

[UterEntonaur]

....but how sad that nobody around me knows me well enough to even tell that there is something wrong! oh well!

I felt this a lot. Nobody around me knows that I'll be CTB'ing soon.

I've been busy the last few weeks clearing out my old stuff (not useful to anyone but me), and I've filled weeks-worth of wheelie bins, and made numerous and trips to the dump. It's kinda sad that nobody has noticed, but saying that, it's also a positive for me....

I've read so many messages on here from members who don't want to CTB because of the pain it'd cause family/friends, but at least I don't feel that "burden/guilt", and what people want to say afterwards ("you should've told us", "we could've helped", "we should've reached out", etc) is fine by me if it helps them heal.