I
IDontKnowWhatToSay
Member
- Jul 27, 2021
- 10
Even though I wish I was dead every single day of my life, I know I'll probably never commit suicide.
It requires a lot of bravery, and I read that the chances of success are tiny.
The only thing worse than being alive would be to survive a suicide attempt.
There is just too much to plan and consider to make sure it's done right and with the least trauma for the survivors.
Have to think about the method and ensuring that no one will find my body and have to identify me.
Sometimes I think it's not that bad bc I've never actually tried it, but yesterday I realized that, like with everything else in life, I don't event try unless there is guaranteed success.
I honestly think that if I had lived in a super high building or in a house with firearms I wouldn't be alive today.
But none of that matters to others. I will most likely never commit suicide and that's all that's important to the outside world.
No matter I hate every breath I take. No matter I wish I was dead every day. No matter the first thing I do in the morning is cry about the fact that I didn't die in my sleep.
Everyone gets to continue getting from me what they need, everyone gets to continue having me in their lives, so the fact that I literally pray for death every night is irrelevant.
I have never felt so trapped. Before at least I could consider suicide as the last resort if things got too heavy.
Now I realize that is not even an option for me, that I literally cannot escape this hellhole called 'existence'… I just… can't
I don't know how I continue to get up in the morning, or for how long I'll be able to keep doing it.
I'm panicked, there is literally nowhere to run.
It requires a lot of bravery, and I read that the chances of success are tiny.
The only thing worse than being alive would be to survive a suicide attempt.
There is just too much to plan and consider to make sure it's done right and with the least trauma for the survivors.
Have to think about the method and ensuring that no one will find my body and have to identify me.
Sometimes I think it's not that bad bc I've never actually tried it, but yesterday I realized that, like with everything else in life, I don't event try unless there is guaranteed success.
I honestly think that if I had lived in a super high building or in a house with firearms I wouldn't be alive today.
But none of that matters to others. I will most likely never commit suicide and that's all that's important to the outside world.
No matter I hate every breath I take. No matter I wish I was dead every day. No matter the first thing I do in the morning is cry about the fact that I didn't die in my sleep.
Everyone gets to continue getting from me what they need, everyone gets to continue having me in their lives, so the fact that I literally pray for death every night is irrelevant.
I have never felt so trapped. Before at least I could consider suicide as the last resort if things got too heavy.
Now I realize that is not even an option for me, that I literally cannot escape this hellhole called 'existence'… I just… can't
I don't know how I continue to get up in the morning, or for how long I'll be able to keep doing it.
I'm panicked, there is literally nowhere to run.