nembutalkisses
100 days before changing my mind.
- Jul 12, 2025
- 13
I am 28F, under disability since I'm 19 bc of autism. I married a guy I met in psych ward 17 years older than me (yup, grooming core) that ended up being abusive mentally and made me deal with severe gambling addiction. I used internet to cope until I wasn't able to handle it anymore I begged my mom to move at her place and started requests to get a free lawyer.
Tho, living at my mom didnt good as expected, I end up severely infantilized atp I do not can do my own purchases online without getting asked my packages reviewed, can't cook my own meals, purchase anything without being judged, say any opinion without being judged, etc. I can't even access the mail box, or go outside smoking at 11 pm. And I do not have enough money nor furniture to move and live by my own.
I live with her since April 6th. By the end of April I met a guy on Tinder (23M) and we spent a lot of time together everything was right. Then last time we saw each other (end of June) he started to act weird. He said he was busy bc of work (he's a mechanic) and on preparing his car for Le Mans Classic, so even if I was severely unwell mentally I hold on especially after the promises he made, like I won't have to deal with abandonment anymore, and once he will move places I will spend more time at his place, and time will pass soon until we can see each other again. But he became to ignore me even when I was in severe distress, started to like reels even when he was at work, barely replying (giving only two lines of « support » once per day), stopped watching my stories on insta frequently.. when Le Mans Classic was over (July 6th — last message from him was on July 2nd) I saw him online on IG (I turned online statuts on just to see) for one hour straight. I asked for explanations and giving an ultimatum. Nothing. I started calling, over and over, messaging, nothing. I went on Tinder to check, he deleted the app in front of me in may, and according to Tinder term of use an account is not shown to other users after 30 days of being inactive so.. maths aint mathing, he went back on Tinder. I harassed him on the phone like crazy, insulted him, then begged to talk, tried to explain my point.. nothing. I left stuff at his place so I asked someone to pick up the stuff I left at his place by the end of July, and swiped right on him on Tinder while having as fav song and in my bio a Nessa Barret song quote, if I remember well, it's « I hope you're miserable » something. Then last night I did a suicide attempt, my mom found me covered in puke, cleaned me, and left me. I 90% bet he blocked me on his phone tho I left a msg saying that I give up, I did a suicide attempt and failed, the situation is too hard and someone will try to contact him in the next days to get my stuff back and to bring them back to me.
My mom who acted very bothered when I admited at the beginning of July that I wasn't ok at her place (she took everything for herself, saying she's the victim, acting like shit and very insensitive towards my mental health issues and acted like if I was peak annoying for being quietly sad or crying hysterically) told me this morning I will need to move out of her place if I meet any guy again, so I must be homeless if I need affection lmao. She told me any guy won't bother being with a mentally ill person like me, basically repeating what she told me in March, that I'm too mentally ill to be lovable. It's been hours since I'm awake and she is giving me silence treatment I am scared of her to speak or to kick me out, bc option one she will lecture me, or second option she will put me in a institution or in the streets.
I feel sentenced to a life where I'm treated like a child at 28 yo, without being allowed to be myself, without any lover, without being able to live or having any life by my own tbh. Alr to leave my husband and to live there I was forced to leave behind the cat I raised that was my only support system, bc my mom doesn't like cats, and she doesn't understand that broke my heart.
I feel sorry for acting like that with my ~2 months something now ex boyfriend but everything was alright so it's very cruel to leave me this way especially with my mental state leaving me with a proper closure and honesty won't had left me in this stage of pure craziness. And I know there is now like 1% of chances for him to ask me to fix our relationship bc he « misses me ».
At my mom beside the gym and the pool, I have no escapism, I'm so much desperate that few days ago I started to read the Bible but I do not think Jesus can really help me I feel still suicidal and very hopeless idk how to do a discret and painless way to kill myself.
I lost alr shit ton of weight the past week, I'm tempted to let myself die from EDs (my mom is orthorexic in denial so at least she enable any weight loss) and to let myself go in alcoholism but I'm too broke to drown into vodka.
I feel like I lost everything I have one online friend, no support system beside her, and my psychiatrist well she diminished without my consent our meetings schedule I have only 30 min per month which leave not much room to talk, and otherwise I do not believe much into the psychiatry system bc I'm into it since I'm 15 and I know how much it's useless, even my psychiatrist few ago agreed with me on how much the system fails on patients.
I do not know what to do with my life. For now I will just talk to my bestie and go radio silence everywhere else. But I want to die so bad this guy gave me taste again towards life, gave me a hope for a brighter future.. so being ghosted just makes me feel.. murdered. My mom doesn't understand by the way, says that I fucked up and loosing my shit, and that I just should get over him. But she doesn't understand that he was the only thing that made me hold on life.
Tho, living at my mom didnt good as expected, I end up severely infantilized atp I do not can do my own purchases online without getting asked my packages reviewed, can't cook my own meals, purchase anything without being judged, say any opinion without being judged, etc. I can't even access the mail box, or go outside smoking at 11 pm. And I do not have enough money nor furniture to move and live by my own.
I live with her since April 6th. By the end of April I met a guy on Tinder (23M) and we spent a lot of time together everything was right. Then last time we saw each other (end of June) he started to act weird. He said he was busy bc of work (he's a mechanic) and on preparing his car for Le Mans Classic, so even if I was severely unwell mentally I hold on especially after the promises he made, like I won't have to deal with abandonment anymore, and once he will move places I will spend more time at his place, and time will pass soon until we can see each other again. But he became to ignore me even when I was in severe distress, started to like reels even when he was at work, barely replying (giving only two lines of « support » once per day), stopped watching my stories on insta frequently.. when Le Mans Classic was over (July 6th — last message from him was on July 2nd) I saw him online on IG (I turned online statuts on just to see) for one hour straight. I asked for explanations and giving an ultimatum. Nothing. I started calling, over and over, messaging, nothing. I went on Tinder to check, he deleted the app in front of me in may, and according to Tinder term of use an account is not shown to other users after 30 days of being inactive so.. maths aint mathing, he went back on Tinder. I harassed him on the phone like crazy, insulted him, then begged to talk, tried to explain my point.. nothing. I left stuff at his place so I asked someone to pick up the stuff I left at his place by the end of July, and swiped right on him on Tinder while having as fav song and in my bio a Nessa Barret song quote, if I remember well, it's « I hope you're miserable » something. Then last night I did a suicide attempt, my mom found me covered in puke, cleaned me, and left me. I 90% bet he blocked me on his phone tho I left a msg saying that I give up, I did a suicide attempt and failed, the situation is too hard and someone will try to contact him in the next days to get my stuff back and to bring them back to me.
My mom who acted very bothered when I admited at the beginning of July that I wasn't ok at her place (she took everything for herself, saying she's the victim, acting like shit and very insensitive towards my mental health issues and acted like if I was peak annoying for being quietly sad or crying hysterically) told me this morning I will need to move out of her place if I meet any guy again, so I must be homeless if I need affection lmao. She told me any guy won't bother being with a mentally ill person like me, basically repeating what she told me in March, that I'm too mentally ill to be lovable. It's been hours since I'm awake and she is giving me silence treatment I am scared of her to speak or to kick me out, bc option one she will lecture me, or second option she will put me in a institution or in the streets.
I feel sentenced to a life where I'm treated like a child at 28 yo, without being allowed to be myself, without any lover, without being able to live or having any life by my own tbh. Alr to leave my husband and to live there I was forced to leave behind the cat I raised that was my only support system, bc my mom doesn't like cats, and she doesn't understand that broke my heart.
I feel sorry for acting like that with my ~2 months something now ex boyfriend but everything was alright so it's very cruel to leave me this way especially with my mental state leaving me with a proper closure and honesty won't had left me in this stage of pure craziness. And I know there is now like 1% of chances for him to ask me to fix our relationship bc he « misses me ».
At my mom beside the gym and the pool, I have no escapism, I'm so much desperate that few days ago I started to read the Bible but I do not think Jesus can really help me I feel still suicidal and very hopeless idk how to do a discret and painless way to kill myself.
I lost alr shit ton of weight the past week, I'm tempted to let myself die from EDs (my mom is orthorexic in denial so at least she enable any weight loss) and to let myself go in alcoholism but I'm too broke to drown into vodka.
I feel like I lost everything I have one online friend, no support system beside her, and my psychiatrist well she diminished without my consent our meetings schedule I have only 30 min per month which leave not much room to talk, and otherwise I do not believe much into the psychiatry system bc I'm into it since I'm 15 and I know how much it's useless, even my psychiatrist few ago agreed with me on how much the system fails on patients.
I do not know what to do with my life. For now I will just talk to my bestie and go radio silence everywhere else. But I want to die so bad this guy gave me taste again towards life, gave me a hope for a brighter future.. so being ghosted just makes me feel.. murdered. My mom doesn't understand by the way, says that I fucked up and loosing my shit, and that I just should get over him. But she doesn't understand that he was the only thing that made me hold on life.
Sorry that you missunderstood.
