Painless_end
Life is too difficult for me
- Oct 11, 2019
- 794
I should have done something about my career long ago that I didn't do. Unfortunately, that activity was time-bound and I can't do it now. My career is in ruins.
To be fair, I knew I was somewhat of a goner when depression first hit me while I was working my first full-time job. I suffered not only depression, but extreme existential angst. It took all I had to not just jump off from any high place that I could find.
What really has broken me, is knowing that even without any depression or existential angst, I am completely useless as a human being. My brain is just sort of very closed and averse to growing. I dislike any kind of productive activity. I eat to live. I live with my parents, because my lack of interest in anything in the world is so pervasive that I mentally refuse to get a job or upgrade my skills or learn something new. I refuse to grow. Growth is pain. There is no happiness for me in any monetary rewards or external success. Only how I feel internally matters to me. I am so unhappy about myself that I wish my unhappiness could kill me.
I am trying to understand why I can't kill myself and it's primarily fear of pain. I just can't bring myself to kill myself yet.
All these years, I was hoping that I would be able to kill myself if the pain crossed a certain threshold, but that event never happened. The pain was extreme, but I withstood it somehow.
But now, I just don't want to live any longer. I just want to curl up and die.
Please universe, please let me die. Please. Have mercy on me and end my misery. Please.
To be fair, I knew I was somewhat of a goner when depression first hit me while I was working my first full-time job. I suffered not only depression, but extreme existential angst. It took all I had to not just jump off from any high place that I could find.
What really has broken me, is knowing that even without any depression or existential angst, I am completely useless as a human being. My brain is just sort of very closed and averse to growing. I dislike any kind of productive activity. I eat to live. I live with my parents, because my lack of interest in anything in the world is so pervasive that I mentally refuse to get a job or upgrade my skills or learn something new. I refuse to grow. Growth is pain. There is no happiness for me in any monetary rewards or external success. Only how I feel internally matters to me. I am so unhappy about myself that I wish my unhappiness could kill me.
I am trying to understand why I can't kill myself and it's primarily fear of pain. I just can't bring myself to kill myself yet.
All these years, I was hoping that I would be able to kill myself if the pain crossed a certain threshold, but that event never happened. The pain was extreme, but I withstood it somehow.
But now, I just don't want to live any longer. I just want to curl up and die.
Please universe, please let me die. Please. Have mercy on me and end my misery. Please.