Discussion No parent should ever have to bury their child

[Dante_]

So I've thought about this saying for sometime and while i do understand that it is embedded within the idea that no parent should ever have to lose their child at any age, even in adulthood due to the gravity of loss it creates.

I can't help but ask if parents ever thought of the possibility that despite their best efforts, what if the child does not agree with the viewpoint/values they hope the child will assimilate with, that life, despite its continuous hardships, is still worth enduring for the sake of themselves and others, what if they don't want to uphold the pledge to protecting the "sanctity of life" they're supposed to swear by, in turn, looking for an exit out of obligations they never asked to be subject by, mostly from their parents and later, a society that is riddled with demands and expectations that truly questions one's own reason to perform accordingly.

 

[brassicasaur]

Ideally, no parent should ever have to bury their child, but unfortunately, everyone is someone's child and everyone dies. There are many reasons why a parent might outlive their child.

 

[Dante_]

Ideally, no parent should ever have to bury their child, but unfortunately, everyone is someone's child and everyone dies. There are many reasons why a parent might outlive their child.

Agreed but for how the world is, unforgiving as it is down the fact that a parent cannot control how a child does pass on or the reasons why, but sometimes and this may be just me from a standpoint of suicide, I do wonder if parents ever think about the obligations they assign to us and how we see it for ourselves, to pay them back for parenting later on life as a investment of sorts, maybe I just see it as having lived a life where my concerns/wishes mean very little in contrast to what interests others have within my continued existence.

 

[death or death]

It's always portrayed that children shouldn't die before their parents, and that they're somewhat expected to uphold their lives. In the end, some may realise that they need to find peace in their own ways, even if that means getting buried by their own parents. It also works both ways to an extent. A child who relies on or loves their parents will feel immense grief when the parent(s) pass on for whatever reason.

 

[Forever Sleep]

They wouldn't have to- if they didn't have them to begin with. That's the only sure way they can 100% prevent themselves suffering from bereavement.

My Mum died of cancer when she was 40. My Nana lived another 40 years without her. I think it did hit her very hard but then- it's a risk they take.

The more difficult one I find to accept is our parents know we'll likely have to suffer their loss at some point. Plus, experience death ourselves. I don't understand why they think that will be ok for us to go through! Because it's 'natural'. Children can die of natural causes too though.

Not to mention all the other really terrible things we may encounter though. I actually live such a boring life. I just work and barely leave the house. The irony is- it's my parents that put me at the most risk in life! The train journey to see them is enormous. I'm always so amazed when I don't catch covid or something else. With the recent incident in the UK, there's even the possibility of being stabbed.

I just think it would follow a pattern if they somehow initiate my death. I just think that's the case for all parents though. It's the equivalent of chucking a baby into a lion's den. How can they even protect us from a huge amount of the threats out there? I reckon they do it and just hope for the best. But, they shouldn't even expect their children to outlive them these days. Not with the crap everyone is up against. Not with what seems to be a massive hike in things like depression.

It just annoys me really. My Dad likes to pretend I've had all this freedom to pursue my dreams so- I should be happy. But- none of us are really free. And, if the thing we want the most is to be free of this life, that's absolutely a no go.

Maybe it does seem wrong in the natural order of things but, we're not natural in the least these days.

 

[-Link-]

Some of the most palpable, profound sadness, grief, and suffering I've ever encountered has been in parents who have lost children, especially children who hadn't even reached adulthood.

I've always read this phrase as purely an expression of grief (or fear of grief) rather than any implied expectations of the child.

Where a parent would invoke this messaging in the context of fearing their child's suicide, I wouldn't judge the parent for it. I do understand the frustration on the part of the suicidal child, but I wouldn't fault a parent for wishing/wanting their suffering child to find relief in life rather than in death, and I would never expect a parent to stand idly by or to endorse their child's suicide outside a legally structured, medically supported process.

In this situation, the child is desperate. But so is the parent.

 

[Dante_]

It's the equivalent of chucking a baby into a lion's den. How can they even protect us from a huge amount of the threats out there? I reckon they do it and just hope for the best. But, they shouldn't even expect their children to outlive them these days. Not with the crap everyone is up against. Not with what seems to be a massive hike in things like depression.

For the threats in particular, i find it surreal to think they haven't accounted for what they themselves dont have the power to prevent not just from happening but if it does, they either expect a solution to fix it will be available but what if it never is effective as hoped, I think that more so than being just thrown into a lions den but also our lives were gambled on odds that are completely out of control and will, one way or another, come back to hurt us in ways we cant imagine.

With whats going in the world which add fear, despair and hopelessness, im not sure how people aren't more aware that suicide, for some who do it, is a response to all of it, to vacate the place they hold in the world to leave it because because its become too heavy to just bare as proposed.

 

[VoidBlessed]

People who say this have forgotten the way human life has been for 99.9% of all people who have ever lived. Before just the last few decades infant mortality had always been extremely high, and diseases were rampant through childhood. Families have historically had 6 and 8 children because half of them didn't make it to adulthood. To be a human parent meant burying your children.

 

[Dante_]

I wouldn't fault a parent for wishing/wanting their suffering child to find relief in life rather than in death, and I would never expect a parent to stand idly by or to endorse their child's suicide outside a legally structured, medically supported process.

Agreed, it is true as any parent would rather exhaust all options for a suffering child to find whatever is possible in life to keep living rather than in death where every chance of life being different is extinguished.

The way I've used it is, of course, being frustrated at the expectations that come with living while being aware of my own exit in turn and that it goes against such a phrase.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For the threats in particular, i find it surreal to think they haven't accounted for what they themselves dont have the power to prevent not just from happening but if it does, they either expect a solution to fix it will be available but what if it never is effective as hoped, I think that more so than being just thrown into a lions den but also our lives were gambled on odds that are completely out of control and will, one way or another, come back to hurt us in ways we cant imagine.

With whats going in the world which add fear, despair and hopelessness, im not sure how people aren't more aware that suicide, for some who do it, is a response to all of it, to vacate the place they hold in the world to leave it because because its become too heavy to just bare as proposed.

I think about this quite a bit. I don't think my parents lives were exactly free from strife. My Dad and Grandparents were very keen on telling me how much worse they had it. I suppose my reasoning is: they figured- if they coped, so will we. Plus, this bizarre 'love' conquers all idea. Obviously- it helps to be loved but, they don't even fully know how their prioritise might change. My initial ideation was due to family issues and torn loyalties.

Plus, sometimes our likely disadvantages are glaringly obvious from the start. And, like you say- it seems so obvious what a volatile and sometimes extremely dangerous world this can be.

It does seem so strange to me but, I kind of wonder if some people are just flooded with hormones, that it makes them kind of crazy! Really- just to bring a thing into the world that will keep you up all night and eventually spend most of your money baffles me in itself! Why is that appealing?

Not that I was ever in the position to seriously contemplate it- not having a partner but, the crux for me was: Could I witness my child suffering some of the things I went through? Even minor things- a few cruel words at school. And no- I don't think I could. I'd be in floods of tears feeling guilty of what I'd dumped them in and, what kind of genes they had to face it. I like to think of my unborn children safe and away from this world. I feel weirdly protective of my unborns.

 

[rustcohle4life]

Should of thought of that before bringing kids into a complete shit stain of a world.

Now i understand people do things without thinking and we should have empathy, but with all the information available in 2025 about the state of this dump we call a world, any prospective parents can straight up go fuck themselves and i will not feel bad when their kids eventually gets royally fucked.

Now in reality i will probably still feel bad. Fuck me. Had to vent though.

 

[Sadbanana]

If some of my loved ones commited suicide, I would be sad. But I also would understand why they did it and respect it.

 

[Dante_]

Could I witness my child suffering some of the things I went through? Even minor things- a few cruel words at school. And no- I don't think I could. I'd be in floods of tears feeling guilty of what I'd dumped them in and, what kind of genes they had to face it. I like to think of my unborn children safe and away from this world. I feel weirdly protective of my unborns.

This is what always gets me, people know how hurtful the world can be in a variety of ways to the extremes we see on a scale which magnifies the horrors out there and yet, people still insist it is better to live knowing that this is how things are.

Plus, this bizarre 'love' conquers all idea. Obviously- it helps to be loved but, they don't even fully know how their prioritise might change. My initial ideation was due to family issues and torn loyalties.

This gets me down on the "living for others" for me personally, people change and someday, staying for the same people you cared about 5 years ago may lose its significance overtime, wagering that love conquers all seems prone to some weakness one way or another. I mean, I certainly dont feel strongly about loyalty to family anymore especially when that wont do any good for me in terms of saving me any potential harm in the coming yeard or decades.

Now in reality i will probably still feel bad. Fuck me. Had to vent though.

I do welcome the vent though, its always good to voice how we feel about things unrestricted

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

So I've thought about this saying for sometime and while i do understand that it is embedded within the idea that no parent should ever have to lose their child at any age, even in adulthood due to the gravity of loss it creates.

I can't help but ask if parents ever thought of the possibility that despite their best efforts, what if the child does not agree with the viewpoint/values they hope the child will assimilate with, that life, despite its continuous hardships, is still worth enduring for the sake of themselves and others, what if they don't want to uphold the pledge to protecting the "sanctity of life" they're supposed to swear by, in turn, looking for an exit out of obligations they never asked to be subject by, mostly from their parents and later, a society that is riddled with demands and expectations that truly questions one's own reason to perform accordingly.

The parents should think very carefully before bringing an innocent child in this world…

 

[-Link-]

The way I've used it is, of course, being frustrated at the expectations that come with living while being aware of my own exit in turn and that it goes against such a phrase.

I feel like "expectations" is the crux of this, especially expectations implied under the guise of support. Worse, even, in the absence of follow-up.

The topic phrase, implied to someone who's suicidal as a means to "encourage" continued life, for instance, needs follow-up. It's not fair to the person to say, "Hey, you need to keep living for others," and leave it at that. If anything, this carries the risk of alienating them and pushing them closer to the edge.

So, it needs to be coupled with support -- support from both "the system" and from one's inner circle including parents -- and the quality of that support needs to be in line with the complexities of any case or situation involving suicidality. But everyone here knows we could write a dissertation on the shortcomings of "support" in today's world.

I would make a generalized assumption that most parents are "doing the best they can." (I say this while knowingly sidestepping the concept of someone's "best" falling short of the ideal threshold for parenthood as I feel uncomfortable going there when it concerns people who are already parents. But I do strongly understand everyone on this.) Exception to parents who would apply toxic guilt or manipulation or other forms of emotional abuse. Otherwise, for the most part, I would try to give them the benefit of the doubt and consider whether the topic sentiment could be more a "kindly request" than expectation, and something that's not so much a self-interest but rather a product of the love and care they have for their child.

None of this speaks to the guilt we feel on our own accord. The topic statement carries quite a sting. What do we do with that? We participate on a suicide forum as we struggle to survive in part to keep our parents from that grief. I am in that boat, too.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Yes, ideally. Can argue, however, that no parent should ever abuse their children, and it happens frequently. In my imagination, I would live an amazing life; well, that's not what destiny gave me. It's important to understand that CTBing is something that certainly will damage your parents, but the question is: one should live just for the sake of others? I don't think so.

 

[ZornTheDreaded]

people should just stop having children

 

[Forveleth]

When I was a child, I told my parents I was suicidal and they did fuck all about it, so apparently they do not care if they have to bury me.

 

[asaṅkhata]

It shouldn't happen, yet wars, famines, diseases, etc. still exist. I'm the first person to defend parents from antinatalist nonsense, but if you bring a child into this world you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. At least that's what one should ot could, in past times, expect from a responsible adult. Of course it's tragic, but the world keeps on spinning. It's part of life that not everyone gets to live until they're old and wrinkly. This oversentimentalization of parents losing their children has always repulsed me.

 

[Pale_Rider]

This is a guilt trip argument. No parent should cause their kid to suffer.

 

[Forveleth]

were your parents followers of Christianity? wouldn't be surprised if they birthed you just so they checkmark spreading their seed for their God just so they would believe they wouldn't go to hell

The fuck is this shit? Please do not make random assumptive comments about people you do not know.

 

[alien_antinatalist]

The best case senerio would be nobody having children in the first place to avoid that situation all together