Illegal Preclear
The CEO of CTB
- Sep 6, 2022
- 217
No one should be forced to live like this. I was essentially born into the Psychiatric system and experimented on my entire childhood. I spent more time in Psych offices than I did in actual school. It's likely my disabilities were CAUSED by the Psychiatric abuse. I never had a chance. I grew up resenting the 'normal people', shut down into myself. There were times I worked and participated in life and almost got out of the trap, but those times are long gone. Mental disabilities, compounded by the after-effects of extreme Psychiatric childhood abuse (Disassociative Identities), after 30 when your neurology heads into middle age (I'll be 35 next month) is basically like having dementia. I can't follow through with a single productive task. I can FORCE myself to do ADLs (Showering, teeth brushing) but I don't always. I don't leave my house anymore (I've been a Hikkikomori/NEET holed up in my parents house since 2019). I haven't worked since 2015 (I'm on permanent disability). I can barely find the cognitive ability to write this post!
The only time I don't feel completely dead is when I'm having a Schizo episode, only to realize my thoughts were completely Dissociated and I don't know how much of it was real or how much of it was delusional nonsense, and that's my whole life. All my memories are disappearing. I used to make internet content and I don't remember making it or how I did, and most of it was delusional Schizo nonsense probably anyway. Any 'productive' thing I've done has just been in service to what is probably delusional Schizo nonsense. I have no interests anymore. I spend most of the day fighting the urge to just sleep because that's all I want to do. Sleep forever. I play videogames and watch the same movies and videos over and over again to try and glean comfort and dopamine hits. I'm dependent on my parents, and once they go I'll have nothing.
I want to CTB so bad. The sooner I do the better. Assisted Suicide should be offered to anyone with Schizophrenia. No one should have to live like this. It gets SO BAD after 30. Most of this post probably sounds incoherent. I can barely communicate coherently anymore. Every day is worse than the last. I'm looking into Partial Hanging as a method. I need to be successful the first time because I've already been locked up in mental wards and hospitals 14 times. And I haven't even made a suicide threat or attempt! Just for 'bizarre behavior'. They can lock me up at their discretion where I live. Lots of people where I live are experimented on by Psychiatry the way I was and I was just born into that system. There's no escaping that system except through death. I'll have a lot of opportunities this year for CTB. If I could just get over my fear, I could so do it! I've thought of jumping, but I really want to do this in my own home, which is why I'm focusing on Partial Hanging and have been pouring over instructional threads on here about it. But any personal advice about it from you to me would be appreciated.
The only time I don't feel completely dead is when I'm having a Schizo episode, only to realize my thoughts were completely Dissociated and I don't know how much of it was real or how much of it was delusional nonsense, and that's my whole life. All my memories are disappearing. I used to make internet content and I don't remember making it or how I did, and most of it was delusional Schizo nonsense probably anyway. Any 'productive' thing I've done has just been in service to what is probably delusional Schizo nonsense. I have no interests anymore. I spend most of the day fighting the urge to just sleep because that's all I want to do. Sleep forever. I play videogames and watch the same movies and videos over and over again to try and glean comfort and dopamine hits. I'm dependent on my parents, and once they go I'll have nothing.
I want to CTB so bad. The sooner I do the better. Assisted Suicide should be offered to anyone with Schizophrenia. No one should have to live like this. It gets SO BAD after 30. Most of this post probably sounds incoherent. I can barely communicate coherently anymore. Every day is worse than the last. I'm looking into Partial Hanging as a method. I need to be successful the first time because I've already been locked up in mental wards and hospitals 14 times. And I haven't even made a suicide threat or attempt! Just for 'bizarre behavior'. They can lock me up at their discretion where I live. Lots of people where I live are experimented on by Psychiatry the way I was and I was just born into that system. There's no escaping that system except through death. I'll have a lot of opportunities this year for CTB. If I could just get over my fear, I could so do it! I've thought of jumping, but I really want to do this in my own home, which is why I'm focusing on Partial Hanging and have been pouring over instructional threads on here about it. But any personal advice about it from you to me would be appreciated.