
runningspeedtrials
New Member
- Aug 3, 2025
- 2
hi everyone i'm a new member of ss. i really hope someone will read this i know it's long. sorry if i make any mistakes.
i have been feeling more low than usual the past couple months. last night i really broke down and i feel like there's nothing to say to anyone i know anymore. i felt like this was the place to go. i hope u guys welcome me im glad to be here and im also here for anyone.
my whole life ive been materially blessed. im apparently an attractive girl, i have a family who tries for me and whom i love despite the times they lash out at me bad, i have very close friends, i live in a beautiful city and i have the clothes and makeup i want and what not. i often feel i have no right to feel this way. it's like a game. it's so ridiculous. something great will happen and then it comes crashing down. but since my childhood i've had so many problems behind the part everyone sees of me. i always had mental health problems and mood swings. i went thru an extremely traumatic relationship a couple years ago and ever since i've been suffering. i was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, severe ocd, ptsd, and adhd. i also have constant mood swings and intense manic episodes. i've been thru treatment but not much helps. i'm not interested in ssris, i've just been in intensive therapy. the only accessible thing that genuinely helps me is music lol. i chase dopamine thru fun and i constantly feel emotions way too strongly. i am usually used as a toy by people. i dont feel like people genuinely care about me. my friends tend to do little things that make me feel like im being walked all over and boys don't treat me that great at all. i mean, i was abused by one badly.
i tried opening up to someone i cared about last night but i don't think my message got through and it left me feeling like a complete fool. i just care about people so so so much but they don't usually feel the same. i don't really get it. nothing makes sense to me. i'm so scared of life. i am a selfish girl and i want what i want. i can't come to terms with the fact that life doesn't work like that. that's why i think i should leave.
i don't know how to do it w out feeling guilty bc i know my parents will suffer having to plan a funeral and tell the rest of my family. i've already been told im a failure by my mother and so this would seal the deal that i am the ultimate failure of her life. it really sucks. i wish my friends would care if i died but i know it would pass them by. i know some of them would feel heavy about it but idk how much they'd really remember me. i just want someone to listen to me. i want to connect. i want to be loved and cared for.
i have a lot more to say but i feel foggy right now. i'm too exhausted to do anything. i feel so lost.
i have been feeling more low than usual the past couple months. last night i really broke down and i feel like there's nothing to say to anyone i know anymore. i felt like this was the place to go. i hope u guys welcome me im glad to be here and im also here for anyone.
my whole life ive been materially blessed. im apparently an attractive girl, i have a family who tries for me and whom i love despite the times they lash out at me bad, i have very close friends, i live in a beautiful city and i have the clothes and makeup i want and what not. i often feel i have no right to feel this way. it's like a game. it's so ridiculous. something great will happen and then it comes crashing down. but since my childhood i've had so many problems behind the part everyone sees of me. i always had mental health problems and mood swings. i went thru an extremely traumatic relationship a couple years ago and ever since i've been suffering. i was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, severe ocd, ptsd, and adhd. i also have constant mood swings and intense manic episodes. i've been thru treatment but not much helps. i'm not interested in ssris, i've just been in intensive therapy. the only accessible thing that genuinely helps me is music lol. i chase dopamine thru fun and i constantly feel emotions way too strongly. i am usually used as a toy by people. i dont feel like people genuinely care about me. my friends tend to do little things that make me feel like im being walked all over and boys don't treat me that great at all. i mean, i was abused by one badly.
i tried opening up to someone i cared about last night but i don't think my message got through and it left me feeling like a complete fool. i just care about people so so so much but they don't usually feel the same. i don't really get it. nothing makes sense to me. i'm so scared of life. i am a selfish girl and i want what i want. i can't come to terms with the fact that life doesn't work like that. that's why i think i should leave.
i don't know how to do it w out feeling guilty bc i know my parents will suffer having to plan a funeral and tell the rest of my family. i've already been told im a failure by my mother and so this would seal the deal that i am the ultimate failure of her life. it really sucks. i wish my friends would care if i died but i know it would pass them by. i know some of them would feel heavy about it but idk how much they'd really remember me. i just want someone to listen to me. i want to connect. i want to be loved and cared for.
i have a lot more to say but i feel foggy right now. i'm too exhausted to do anything. i feel so lost.
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