Venting no one and nothing will ever care

[godforbidpain]

i only have one person who genuienly cares about me, but i've never been able to meet them irl. we live so far away. why stay in this life for them? they can move on, continue having a life without me. my family is broken. they've never known anything personal about me. if they found out anything about me they'd be even more disappointed than they already are. i don't really think i have any close friends anymore. my phone broke. i've broken so many things my entire life, i just want to saw my hands off. i hate being told "things get better". no they don't, not for everyone at least. my problems aren't just inside my fucking head and im so tired of being treated like a crazy person, dismissed and not listened to, pumped full of medications and stuck going to useless therapy. i suffer BECAUSE of all the shit in my life.
i don't even feel like i can attempt. i live in a shitty tiny apartment in a building with other people on all sides of my walls. i can't fucking escape, anywhere. i've never had any privacy. i just want to stop existing. i'm so angry. i want everything to stop. venting doesn't even help. nothing is even gonna change if i die. i never made any difference by existing in the first place. i hate this. i deserve to die young. as soon as possible.