Venting No motivation to recover

[coppervomit]

I was talking to someone today who also struggles with depression. They were talking about how they used to be in a very dark place and are still struggling but have managed to remain functional in their life (etc. hold a job, have friendships).

It made me realize that I don't want to get better. I would find no fulfillment the way others seem to in the daily grind of life. It's like I'm stuck in the middle of a tunnel and I see no light on either side, just darkness. As if even if I did manage to achieve some kind of hollow recovery from my "negative mindset" (see also: realistic perspective), I wouldn't be able to enjoy or even tolerate what others seem to. Even if I did manage to drag myself out of the tunnel, I wouldn't be anywhere I'd want to be. I see no way out. I'll never be who I used to (pretend to) be.

 

[profoundexperience]

"Vast emptiness and nothing holy."

Bodhidharma,
first Chinese patriarch of Zen

 

[MindFrog]

Even if you actually recover, what makes you sure you wont go back to being depressed again? It has a high likelihood of relapse. Why even make an effort if it'll be for naught?

And our world is a dumpster first anyways. The only thing that can make you cling is your loved ones and your own desire to live.

 

[Xdyzine]

I for one totally get it, after making efforts time and time again and falling back into a deeper void of depression each time after a few weeks or months. I don't see the point anymore. Sorry to sound like a pessimist. And like Mindfog said , it's better to cling to the little things.

 

[demuic]

I don't want to participate in society, so that's another reason I have no desire for "recovery."