C

ceserasera

Member
Dec 17, 2021
68
I end up posting more frequently on here when every possible avenue in the real world falls through. People say you're not alone, but you are. You just are. There may be people around you, but life is solitary. It's just you and your thoughts. It's so suffocating it makes you want to tear your skin off. You're experiencing the world in a completely different way to everyone else. No amount of attempted understanding will change that. I used to feel so guilty whenever I got angry. All the pain and injustice would come to the surface and I'd just lose all control. I'd want to break everything in sight because I was so angry at being trapped here. Can't escape these thoughts, can't escape this body. I hate being a prisoner. I hate it here.

But now I'm just sad. People still hurt me but I don't have the energy to be angry at it. What difference does it make? Protesting against a world that treats you like an imposition. I feel like every day I'm trying to pay my dues. I'm trying to compensate for my existence, for some horrible sin I don't know I've committed. At the core of my being I feel like I'm wrong. In the least self-pitying way possible, I'm not made for this world. No matter how much I try and change my thoughts, they just rebound like a boomerang. Trying to manipulate them and make them fit a rose-tinted mould isn't possible. It's unnatural. It shouldn't be that hard to not feel bad. I just want to feel good. I think most people do. There's only a problem if, in your pursuit of feeling good, you hurt someone else. I don't think I hurt or help people. I don't think I make any difference at all, but at the same time I think my every action could cause the world to end. I spent most of last year dissolving Elvanse in water or snorting it. It made me feel not bad for a bit. But then it made me feel like I was dying. The very feeling I was trying to escape, a perpetual sense of impending doom, was just amplified every time the Elvanse wore off. But at least I was trying to feel different. Now I'm just stewing in it all and I'm sure I'll drown soon because the anger kept me kicking but now I'm too tired.
 
  • Love
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
Reactions: NobodyKnowsMe, WhatDoesTheFoxSay?, 710 and 5 others
M

mojabaka

Student
Apr 20, 2022
100
I hate that "you're not alone" thing, especially for my situation. I'm injured from the covid "vaccine" (basically disabled) and I hate it when people say this. Like, do you seriously thing that I will feel better if you tell me that there are millions of more people being injured?

About being angry and sad, I'm kinda both 24/7. Angry about myself for listening to my stupid mother and getting the "vaccine", even though I knew better. Angry at Big Pharma and all the government agencies and "experts" they bought, and angry for this whole stupid covid situation in the first place which could've been avoided if politicians and virologists actually had a brain (like we had 3 SARs epidemics in the past 2 decades and literally 0 things learned).

But I'm also sad when I think about how my whole life is over (had to give up both, work and studies) and how suicide is the only option (I'm not interested in living with a chronic illness for the rest of my life, especially not because of a stupid untested "vaccine").

The last couple of days, I feel the same as you though. I have no energy to cry anymore and no energy to be angry. I just look forward to not existing anymore. I was finally able to order SN today. It will take 4 weeks to deliver, which is just enough time to see if I'll improve, or if everything is permanent (probably is).

This world is honestly fucked up anyway, so yeah. I'm kinda done with all the lies and bullshit.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
  • Aww..
Reactions: Astronauta, WhatDoesTheFoxSay?, 710 and 1 other person
J

Julgran

Enlightened
Dec 15, 2021
1,427
I end up posting more frequently on here when every possible avenue in the real world falls through. People say you're not alone, but you are. You just are. There may be people around you, but life is solitary. It's just you and your thoughts. It's so suffocating it makes you want to tear your skin off. You're experiencing the world in a completely different way to everyone else. No amount of attempted understanding will change that. I used to feel so guilty whenever I got angry. All the pain and injustice would come to the surface and I'd just lose all control. I'd want to break everything in sight because I was so angry at being trapped here. Can't escape these thoughts, can't escape this body. I hate being a prisoner. I hate it here.

Do you mean that you feel lonely in a romantic, familial or friendship-wise way...?

But now I'm just sad. People still hurt me but I don't have the energy to be angry at it. What difference does it make? Protesting against a world that treats you like an imposition. I feel like every day I'm trying to pay my dues. I'm trying to compensate for my existence, for some horrible sin I don't know I've committed. At the core of my being I feel like I'm wrong. In the least self-pitying way possible, I'm not made for this world. No matter how much I try and change my thoughts, they just rebound like a boomerang. Trying to manipulate them and make them fit a rose-tinted mould isn't possible. It's unnatural. It shouldn't be that hard to not feel bad. I just want to feel good. I think most people do. There's only a problem if, in your pursuit of feeling good, you hurt someone else. I don't think I hurt or help people. I don't think I make any difference at all, but at the same time I think my every action could cause the world to end. I spent most of last year dissolving Elvanse in water or snorting it. It made me feel not bad for a bit. But then it made me feel like I was dying. The very feeling I was trying to escape, a perpetual sense of impending doom, was just amplified every time the Elvanse wore off. But at least I was trying to feel different. Now I'm just stewing in it all and I'm sure I'll drown soon because the anger kept me kicking but now I'm too tired.

If you wish to elaborate - what, do you think, is making you feel this way...? Has a particular situation occurred, or do you simply feel lonely, or unwelcome, in this world?
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
38,393
I'm sorry that you are in such an unbearable situation. This life really can be so depressing and painful as our thoughts can torture us. I also hate being alive, all that I want is to escape from it, I want the peace that death brings. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.
 
Sunset Limited

Sunset Limited

I believe in Sunset Limited
Jul 29, 2019
1,307
Life is a shitty trap.
 
  • Like
Reactions: NobodyKnowsMe
H

Hurt

Paragon
Nov 13, 2020
906
I am so exhausted and also angry. I can't be with people anymore I prefer to be alone.
 

Similar threads

H
Replies
3
Views
170
Suicide Discussion
TragedyBornCrimson
TragedyBornCrimson
Noct
Replies
3
Views
161
Suicide Discussion
FuneralCry
FuneralCry
nattys5thtoenail
Replies
1
Views
116
Suicide Discussion
UnnervedCompany
UnnervedCompany
A
Replies
6
Views
434
Suicide Discussion
Asleepatlast
A