Venting No idea what I'm doing anymore

[struggles_inc]

About a week earlier, I shared that my mom finally accepted the idea of therapy for me. Don't get me wrong, I make my own decisions and can do it if I choose to. However, I come from a more or less... traditional household, where I would be severely judged, even disowned in extreme cases, if I do something which is considered improper.

Well, she went back on her words. While we were on a phone call yesterday, she got angry at me for being moody, and suggested that I either lighten up or end the conversation. We ended the call.
I call her every day at 9PM, as she used to do the same for my grandparents, or else the person who does not receive the call will get extremely offended. So, I called her today, though I did not really want to talk, I had to in order to de-escalate. The call went like shit. Even though I managed to contain the frustration, she still said that she only supported therapy because she believes I must get disappointed in it on my own. That I am, basically, a mentally weak person. That strong people solve their problems by themselves.

Of course, I had to agree in order to end the hurtful conversation. It just sucks so bad. I loathe myself with every fiber of my soul that I am 20+ y.o. and still cannot let go of my childhood emotions. I remember vividly being used to force a smile on my face, or else everyone would take it personally and cut ties with me. I remember my mom being angry at my sadness. Not the crying - even when I remembered how to cry - but the still face and cold voice was enough to set the stage for a scandal.

I'm not mad at my family, though. I don't feel angry at them for being like that. Maybe I should, but I don't want to.

I am so fucking done with being myself.

I burned the bridges with a bunch of people and got my sweet revenge on some. It healed the wound, but not the scars. The hate and hurt are so much that it's crippling. When I say crippling, I mean it, because the physical cuts itch and become purple and my house looks like a bait for cockroaches. I stopped caring about what's inside as long as I can cover it up.

And I cover up a lot. From the outside, I look like a successful person who achieves everything they want. I am currently top of my class in Chinese and marketing, I run my own small ad-agency. I even got a new friend and made up with an old boyfriend of mine.
From the inside, however, I am so burned out I barely care. My client has an important event tomorrow, and I am writing this post instead of preparing for the show. I force myself to care when I don't want to.

My boyfriend is great - almost - and is much nicer to me after our week-long breakup in autumn. Seems like he started to value me a bit more... But I still don't feel his support. He jokes around a lot and that's it. I know he loves me, but I also know he won't act until it's already too late.
My new friend is also a great person and a very sincere one, yet I am afraid of traumadupming her till she ends the relationship.

I feel like running away to another continent. I feel like burning my passport and withdrawing all the cash I have from my bank accounts.
I don't even want to physically die. I wish I could simply disappear and become a cold case. The "Oh no, they had it all and were loved by everyone before they mysteriously vanished" type of cold case.

But in the end, I can't really run from myself. So the only standing option seems to be CTB, even though it would most likely bring disgrace and shame to my relatives and be mocked by my peers.

 

[OTanerd]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear your story. I deeply relate to it because I also come from a home with traditional beliefs, where anything that goes against what they consider "right" leads to being practically disowned and no longer seen as their child.
It makes no sense to think that going to therapy is for mentally weak people. I see it the other way around—at least you can recognize certain emotions and take the step to improve by seeing a therapist.
My dad believes that going to a psychologist or psychiatrist means you're crazy or that it will make you even crazier. Honestly, I'm exhausted from always hearing him say that I'm fine and don't need therapy when he never even asks how I am and has no idea about the mental torment I'm going through.
I'm glad to know that you have a loving boyfriend and a sincere friend. Still, I understand that sometimes even the people we love the most can't make us feel better—or they come into our lives too late.
I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you make.

 

[struggles_inc]

My dad believes that going to a psychologist or psychiatrist means you're crazy or that it will make you even crazier.

I hear the same thing. I'm not even sure if it's true or false, to be honest, the belief it already deeply engrained. However, I also understand logically that in my current state I will not be here for long.

 

[PikedMan]

As someone who has two parents with terrible childhoods and serious mental issues, therapy can help you. It just takes time searching for a individual you feel comfortable with, I've seen secondhand how it can help people especially with anxiety and serious depression. Just be prepared to go through some tough mental pain, as that can be part of the processing of your problems especially if it's trauma related. And I'm going through therapy myself and will say it's better than taking it alone, even with your mother pestering you about therapy you can bring that up with your therapist especially considering it seems to have bothered you really harshly. I would recommend reading Victor E Frankl Mans search for meaning, It certainly helped me understand my own suffering and may possibly give you hope or the stepping stones of such. And good luck on your adventure called life, I wish you well with your tribulations and trails.