Venting No family. No friends. No options. No hope.

[Shadow Life]

I have no family (estranged) and no friends (estranged). I live in a province (state) that I ran away from due to childhood trauma, over 35 years ago. But, I've got a house and though I want to sell - there's no rental apartments that's less than double my mortgage.. so, I'm trapped in this Hell of a place. I live between the 4 walls of this house, isolated. On the plus side, I could ctb here and nobody would even notice, no one to call 911, no one to even wonder 'where is that woman? I haven't seen her leave the house in a few weeks'

Why am I still breathing, then? Because there is no sure-fire way to accomplish a completed suicide. The PPeH is useless, imo, because every method/medication they suggest is far beyond my capabalities and also far beyond any reasonable way to access what they suggest we need to complete (ie. meds, gases or antiemetics.) The sources it provides are either compromised or fake (including the 'product' you may get sent to you.) There is no fucking hope of escape. Why the fuck can a 12 year old successfully kill themself, but I can't? Is there some kind of higher-power determined to keep me suffering?

I have what I need to do the night-night method, but doubtful that'll work, too. So, why bother when I'll probably just wake up with a stroke or brain damage.. AND without support or anyone to care. Or even notice..

 

[flightless bird]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I know what despair is, and loneliness. The only friend I have is a box of pills now. Hope you can get out of this situation somehow without hurting yourself.

 

[Shadow Life]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I know what despair is, and loneliness. The only friend I have is a box of pills now. Hope you can get out of this situation somehow without hurting yourself.

Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me. Just to have someone listen with a caring heart and words really does make all the difference. There were a few reasons I wanted to join this site and one of the top reasons was hoping that there were people like me who could understand how we are all in pain & are here to talk and share.

In a weird way, it's kind of like talk-therapy for all of us. It gives us a nudge of feeling we are *not alone, and there are people we can talk to - people who aren't therapists. I don't know about other people's experiences with therapists, but mine was more interested in 'learning' from me than actually helping me: she took a lot of notes but not so much feedback, so not exactly 'talk' therapy, and definitely lacked in providing any coping skills, either. I left her 2.5 years ago. Instead, I've been practising mindfulness meditation techniques. That has worked a lot - but, obviously, it's not quite enough since I am, well, here on this site.. like you guys..wanting so much to just find people who are experiencing the same feelings and venting about it in the hopes it won't be so painful if we can just share and be HEARD, be SEEN, you know? Thank you. I'm grateful for this site.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I know what despair is, and loneliness. The only friend I have is a box of pills now. Hope you can get out of this situation somehow without hurting yourself.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I know what despair is, and loneliness. The only friend I have is a box of pills now. Hope you can get out of this situation somehow without hurting yourself.

Do you feel like sharing a little about your circumstances or how you're feeling right now?

 

[flightless bird]

Do you feel like sharing a little about your circumstances or how you're feeling right now?

Lost my loved one to cancer 6 months ago. Before that there was another 10 months of hell, it had metastasized to her brain, she couldn't walk. I'm dead inside ever since. Sometimes I feel unbearable longing, despair, physically can't breathe, but I mostly sleep thanks to my pills. Without them I'd be in constant hell. I have no hope, I love her with all my heart and soul, I miss her every moment and I just wanna die. I have to be with her. I'm familiar with nothing in this world and I just wanna go away, and I will (oh yes I will, you BET I will), just waiting for the right weather...

 

[Shadow Life]

Lost my loved one to cancer 6 months ago. Before that there was another 10 months of hell, it had metastasized to her brain, she couldn't walk. I'm dead inside ever since. Sometimes I feel unbearable longing, despair, physically can't breathe, but I mostly sleep thanks to my pills. Without them I'd be in constant hell. I have no hope, I love her with all my heart and soul, I miss her every moment and I just wanna die. I have to be with her. I'm familiar with nothing in this world and I just wanna go away, and I will (oh yes I will, you BET I will), just waiting for the right weather...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with such heartbreak. I sympathize with your feelings of despair and the needed use of sleeping pills <3 You're taking on a lot right now and it's understandable that you are feeling the way you do - the body follows the mind - it expresses what we are feeling and it is necessary to let those emotions flow through us (usually uncomfortably and painfully) and they will, eventually. The hardest part of all is waiting for it to pass, though. Please don't give up on yourself. You are doing a phenomenal job just by having kept breathing, one day at a time, for the last 180 days.

Put your hand over your heart, gently, and feel the warmth that is there waiting for you to acknowledge it's presence. Because, although there is pain within your body and mind, there is also warmth - please don't ignore or forget that it's there for you, too.

 

[MidnightDream]

I'm so sorry. There's nothing worse than feeling trapped, especially trapped alone. I'm not sure if you'll have access to PM yet, but if you do, my dms are always open if you need someone to talk to.

 

[Shadow Life]

I'm so sorry. There's nothing worse than feeling trapped, especially trapped alone. I'm not sure if you'll have access to PM yet, but if you do, my dms are always open if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you, that is very kind and would like to give it a try. I would first have to find out if I can..and how to do it [rolling eyes]

 

[MidnightDream]

Thank you, that is very kind and would like to give it a try. I would first have to find out if I can..and how to do it [rolling eyes]

I'll try and send you a message now

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it is unfair how we live in a world where suicide is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated. I understand that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped in a life that is just constant suffering with no real relief. It's all very tiring and I envy those who have left, it really does make suicide sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all these people succeeding.
I wish you freedom.

 

[outrider567]

Lost my loved one to cancer 6 months ago. Before that there was another 10 months of hell, it had metastasized to her brain, she couldn't walk. I'm dead inside ever since. Sometimes I feel unbearable longing, despair, physically can't breathe, but I mostly sleep thanks to my pills. Without them I'd be in constant hell. I have no hope, I love her with all my heart and soul, I miss her every moment and I just wanna die. I have to be with her. I'm familiar with nothing in this world and I just wanna go away, and I will (oh yes I will, you BET I will), just waiting for the right weather...

Lost mine 9 months ago---"I'm dead inside" "unbearable despair" 'no hope' 'miss her each moment' ---Your words are a mirror to mine, I'm sorry you are going thru the same thing I am going thru, it is indeed a 'constant hell' and there is no relief from it

 

[Shadow Life]

To me it is unfair how we live in a world where suicide is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated. I understand that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped in a life that is just constant suffering with no real relief. It's all very tiring and I envy those who have left, it really does make suicide sound so much easier than it actually is when you hear of all these people succeeding.
I wish you freedom.

Thank you. As long as I stay away from other people, I seem to do just fine. But what keeps haunting me (and causing me to think about suicide) is when I start thinking about when the next disaster (or trigger) will occur - or have been triggered already. This is what I'm going through right now, and why I decided to post. I'm hoping that sharing it will help me get through this passing moment/episode. Can anybody else relate?

I'm going to go off on a tangent here:
I'm pretty sure I have quiet bpd, but my therapist said MDD and GAD, even though the testing rated me at 92% ptsd.. when I asked her about that, she brushed it off by saying Oh, depression and anxiety are just a part of ptsd. All of this from her before we even begun treatment. I came for a consultation and she sent me home to do the online tests. When I came back, she told me what my diagnoses were based upon an algorithym without knowing any of my background through discussions. Has that happened to anybody else with a psychologist? I'd be curious.