Venting No desire to die but can’t survive ?

[Fadeawaaaay]

Having quit anti depressants, that 25 year haze has cleared. I'm not even clinically depressed anymore.

But delusions I've lived with for decades - harsh realities I refused to confront - those delusions have dropped away. I never quite realized how hard others worked, how talented they were. I never fully realized or admitted how mediocre I was. Less then mediocre really.

In the past year, I lost my mind and trashed my career and my life long friendships. Now I'm trapped and isolated. Lacking motivation or skills. I can see the world coming to life with opportunity and energy.
And I'm stuck.
All I can do is isolate and sleep. But knowing that tomorrow the sun will rise again and ill still be here hiding from the world. Every personality flaw I've ever had manifesting in this current nightmare. All the fear and anxiety stretching back to childhood.
I spent a lifetime trying to fool people into believing I was competant or successful. Most eventually learned I wasn't. But I could keep up the facade to people long enough that it seemed like maybe I knew what I was doing.

All of that's been torn away. The emperor has no clothes. And so I'm wide awake treading water… sharks gathering around me …

And every day the motivation to actually end my life recedes. Yes, I know that that is supposed to sound positive. That I'm "embracing life "… It's not - because being alive and trying survive is overwhelming. I can't even begin to. I only want to live if everything can come easy. But it won't.

Sorry for the bloviating vent. But I have nowhere else to express all this. And I've become too cheap to spend $ on therapy. And therapy is useless (I've done it for years and still ended up here.)

Maybe other folks can relate and won't find reading this a chore. Anyway thanks for indulging me. Peace.

 

[whatevs]

Why be so hung up on 'success' or talent? You think Kurt Cobain was happy? He wasn't a successful person if we weigh in what actually matters in life. And his talent was less valuable to him than the ability of a street cleaner to die of old age after an acceptable existence. Street cleaners DAB on suicidal celebrities every day of the week. Dabbbity dab dab.

What I do see as relevant from your situation would be the lack of motivation, that's obviously very important and should be resolved. It casts doubts to the idea that you are no longer depressed.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it must have been really awful to have lost everything. This life is just so depressing. I know that it is dreadful feeling like you are trapped. I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Why be so hung up on 'success' or talent? You think Kurt Cobain was happy? He wasn't a successful person if we weigh in what actually matters in life. And his talent was less valuable to him than the ability of a street cleaner to die of old age after an acceptable existence. Street cleaners DAB on suicidal celebrities every day of the week. Dabbbity dab dab.

What I do see as relevant from your situation would be the lack of motivation, that's obviously very important and should be resolved. It casts doubts to the idea that you are no longer depressed.

I'm Existentially depressed for sure. I'm just not clinically depressed in the sense of feeling like my brain is medically shattered. But I'm hopeless- my thoughts are dark and bleak, I am full of self-loathing.
Not sure Im hung up on talent or success. I'm not sure how Kurt Cobain is relevant - Maybe you were saying it's better to be a contented street cleaner than a miserable celebrity? Maybe you were saying that Kurt Cobain was hung up on success and that's what ultimately killed him? I don't think I was trying to be Kurt Cobain. At this point I'm not really trying to be anything. I was dealt some good cards and played them badly. Now I'm paralyzed and inert.

 

[whatevs]

Yeah, I was trying to say that talent doesn't matter, happiness does, and that success is happiness. So neither mundane success or talent matter if you are emotionally miserable. How to attain happiness, there is the million dollar question

In my case I just would need my health back, I think. I can survive because my parents support me but I'm not really living that much. If I had to work I would be homeless and then kill myself most definitely.

 

[Cancún]

Im with you brother pm if you wanna talk

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yeah, I was trying to say that talent doesn't matter, happiness does, and that success is happiness. So neither mundane success or talent matter if you are emotionally miserable. How to attain happiness, there is the million dollar question

In my case I just would need my health back, I think. I can survive because my parents support me but I'm really living that much. If I had to work I would be homeless and then kill myself most definitely.

You are fortunate to have your parents supporting you. I hope you were able to get your Health back. That would be very frustrating wanting to go out into the world and realize your potential but getting held back by health problems… you have my sympathy :)

 

[Cathy Ames]

Can't survive as in having enough money to live or something else?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Can't survive as in having enough money to live or something else?

I have no motivation to dig myself out of this hole- a Lifetime of intermittent depression and bad decisions put me here. Ultimately I will run out of money unless I come up with some income.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I can definitely empathize.

 

[rationaltake]

I'm sorry you're in this position. From what you've said money would solve your problems. So maybe that's why you still hang on.

My problems would only be solved by a change in the laws of physics. So totally impossible. Maybe that's why I've given up.

I so wish there can be a solution for you.