Venting No CMHT, no meds, no uni? Nothing.

[rec]

I moved countries recently and I was supposed to be transferred to a new CMHT. They rejected me.

There was an antidepressant that worked really well for me. It is bupropion. It went out of stock in the UK last year and recently became back in stock. I asked my psychiatrist to put me back on it and he said to wait until I have moved. I was supposed to be transferred over to a new CMHT but they rejected me. I can't get my hands on this medication without a psychiatrist. My mood is in the shitter and I can't do anything about it.

Even worse, I was told to make an appointment with my new gp to see if they can even continue with my current meds. It's on the 10th. What are they even expecting at this point?

Every day I think about ctb. I keep thinking impulsively. I was waiting all this time and I can't even get this med I was promised to be put back on. It's the only one that can effectively fix things with absolutely zero side effects. I had the prefect combination for a bit and then it just had to go out of stock.

The CMHT told me to access support through my university. I looked at it and it's only therapy. They can't get me bupropion. I get that therapy helps some people but it really doesn't help me. I need the right meds and then I'm fine. But I can't even get the right meds now for no fucking reason.

I was thinking of partial suspension from the lovely doorknob handle bar thing on my door.

The thing is, if I am honest with the 'support' at my university and try to keep going, I am on a healthcare related course and would face fitness to practice issues and get kicked out. I might get kicked out anyway for my health issues. So I might as well ctb.

I'm so fucked, but at least I was finally given a diagnosis of 'depressive illness' as a parting gift by my last psychiatrist after being on meds for it since 15 (so a good few years).

What the fuck am I even expected to do at this point? People say they are anti ctb but then they push people as close to the edge as possible. I'm on the fence about this but I'm also feeling impulsive. But I'll wait until I have a few things first. If it comes down to it, I'll make a goodbye thread. I've been here long enough.

I'm so sick of this world and everyone messing me around. I've tried so hard and it never works out. At least you get me, hopefully. God, if anything ever works out for me, it has to be taken away in the worst way possible. Can't wait for my uni to make me homeless and ctbing in a river somewhere with no better choice.

Nothing ever works out.

 

[nightlygem]

I'm deeply sorry about your situation. I would just like to say that bupropion is a hit or miss drug. It can really fuck with your brain. My dad used it as an antidepressant and he said that he could not hear his own internal dialogue. also, stopping this medication cold-turkey could lead to a massive spike in suicidal ideation. My dad has CTB'd due to this medication. I know that's not really a huge concern due to the nature of this forum, and I know it feel different to you but just know that if you plan to CTB make sure it is within your own mind and not due to the influence of bupropion.

 

[rec]

I'm deeply sorry about your situation. I would just like to say that bupropion is a hit or miss drug. It can really fuck with your brain. My dad used it as an antidepressant and he said that he could not hear his own internal dialogue. also, stopping this medication cold-turkey could lead to a massive spike in suicidal ideation. My dad has CTB'd due to this medication. I know that's not really a huge concern due to the nature of this forum, and I know it feel different to you but just know that if you plan to CTB make sure it is within your own mind and not due to the influence of bupropion.

Yeah the thing is bupropion really hit for me. The good thing is that it's not the bupropion making me think like this since I last took it about 11ish months ago (when it went out of stock). I bad that really strong suicidality thing on duloxetine (either at the start of this year or the end of last year). It's really unpleasant.

I'm sorry your father ctbed as a result of something controlling his mind like that in such an unpleasant way, rather than on his own terms. I'm pro choice (obviously), but I'm still sorry for your loss and that it had to end under such circumstances.

Hopefully you aren't here for the same reason as why your father left? I'd just like to make sure it's a rational thought for you and not some medication controlling you. I'd never want someone to leave because a medication made them feel so horrible, rather than through a more rational approach.

I suppose I am under the influence of the depressive illness, and that is affecting my thinking, so I might just have to take my current 'antidepressant' (technically a second antipsychotic) again for a bit and see where my mind is at that point. I really don't want to, though. I don't like that medication.

Now I'm worried my uni can see this. A pro choice healthcare type of person is not seen as a shining star by those people. That would be the nail in the coffin, in more ways than one! Ha

 

[nightlygem]

Yeah the thing is bupropion really hit for me. The good thing is that it's not the bupropion making me think like this since I last took it about 11ish months ago (when it went out of stock). I bad that really strong suicidality thing on duloxetine (either at the start of this year or the end of last year). It's really unpleasant.

I'm sorry your father ctbed as a result of something controlling his mind like that in such an unpleasant way, rather than on his own terms. I'm pro choice (obviously), but I'm still sorry for your loss and that it had to end under such circumstances.

Hopefully you aren't here for the same reason as why your father left? I'd just like to make sure it's a rational thought for you and not some medication controlling you. I'd never want someone to leave because a medication made them feel so horrible, rather than through a more rational approach.

I suppose I am under the influence of the depressive illness, and that is affecting my thinking, so I might just have to take my current 'antidepressant' (technically a second antipsychotic) again for a bit and see where my mind is at that point. I really don't want to, though. I don't like that medication.

Now I'm worried my uni can see this. A pro choice healthcare type of person is not seen as a shining star by those people. That would be the nail in the coffin, in more ways than one! Ha

I am thankful for your concern. I've been idealizing CTBing for years; before I started medication. Currently I am only on an SSRI, but I am hoping to obtain mood stabilizers and/or anti-psychotics to assist in my current mental health.
As for your medication, I am glad that you aren't as badly affected as my father was. I always like to advise people on certain antidepressants and their effects. Everyone's brain chemistry works differently, so it's important to be very cautious when trying new medications.
I wish you luck on your journey. If meds make you feel worse, ween off of them slowly. I have researched meds using books that my father used to own, so I would definitely recommend doing lots of research so you are educated before you see a psychiatrist.