Nitrogen

[EternalSkies]

I thought this was a place of love and light. It felt so at the start. But some would rather bully me and question my motives and suicidality rather than just show love & acceptance during an attempt.

I am just out here doing my best but instead some would rather be mean. And of course Im gonna eventually meet people with that same tone of voice. I am not gonna sit still by while someone puts me down and be gaslit. And I am talking about two different occurences on this site, but also about my experiences with psychward etc this past year in 2025.

I didn't want to die in a plastic bag over my head on a balcony ideally. It feels claustrophobic and too sudden. I wanted to go out gradually over several hours. But I am sad and frustrated.
I also don't know how much time I have left. I think I might do it. But first I am going to sleep 2-4 hours. I woke up a bit too early and want to feel rested if this is it.

I've tried the gas before and it feels like hyperventilating and your fingers going numb etc. Even got an O2 measurer

I'll set it up fully once I slept with the pressure handler, the bag and everything. A bit scared Hope it doesn't get dark before I slept.


So I have my regular nitrogen bottle somewhat depleted due to testing (not prepped yet with setup)


I also bought a backup nitrogen bottle if first doesnt work or I need more gas

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picture removed because of shipment label
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Actually had a third smaller nitrogen bottle too I was considering bringing to the botanical garden and watch the sunset while dying in 2024. But something in my favour happened and I lived on. Now im lowkey sad I didnt do it back then. It would have been wonderful and not as stressed as now. And this past year with psych has been lots

Maybe i'll gas myself with it while in bed after I slept. And just imagine im going to sleep
Gosh both excited and scared