k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
I've been drifting in and out of sleep for hours. My brain refuses to turn off. I have a billion racing thoughts, but mostly I'm trying to figure out how it's possible that I'm sitting all by myself in my living room right now and not locked away in a psych ward somewhere. And I wonder if I should be.
I tell certain people I'm suicidal. I'm taken seriously, but maybe not seriously enough. I'm so confused by how I feel. It's one big contradiction. I don't want anyone to get in the way of my plans, but at the same time, I wish someone could save me from myself.
I'm constantly having to remind my therapist I do feel suicidal, for example. She believes me, but I manage to also appear appropriately stable and safe. So I always get to go home, and she has no doubt she'll see me again in a week. I was always told they're supposed to be trained to recognize incongruent affect, but I guess she was absent that day. Lucky me.
My best friend has known for a long time and is very concerned. He checks on me regularly to make sure I'm ok. But at the same time, he trusts me to self report when it's really bad, and I often do not. Or I say I'm feeling better than I really am. And he believes me.
Depression makes me a liar, and I hate myself for that.
The thing is, even if I say I'm 9-10 on the suicide scale, people will argue that a hospital isn't a good idea. Everyone always talks about being involuntarily committed left and right and not being able to tell the truth about how they feel, but it's like I have the opposite problem. It's so weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the Twilight Zone.
I'm actually really scared. I don't think I'm safe. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I feel like I'm living with a murderer, but what can you do when the enemy is yourself? I have a strong urge to run away, but I can't run away from myself.
I'm not sure how I'm still managing to function. I always think it's glaringly obvious that I'm not alright to anyone who interacts with me, but apparently I'm a pretty good actress. Most people honestly don't have a clue.
Someone commented the other day about how happy and calm I always am and said they wished they were more like me. I was really caught off guard by that. It was almost hilarious, because when they said that, I was in the middle of remembering how I had planned on being dead before this year ever even started and wondering if I'll see 2021.
It just really sucks. I'm not a complete idiot. Of course I don't want to be stopped and sectioned. I have always done everything I could to avoid going inpatient. But it's so frustrating to have all this pain inside and be so scared of myself, and yet have nobody see how bad I feel all the time. No amount of describing it could ever get the point across.
But really, I did this. I choose to mostly conceal it, so it's a hell I've created. Because of that, I feel like I have no right to complain. It's invisible, so it feels invalid. And it's all my fault. What did I expect?
All I really know is if they knew exactly how bad I feel, I'd never be left unattended again. But here I am, all by myself and capable of anything. I could do it right now and be in no danger of being discovered. I won't. But I could. Ain't that some shit.
I tell certain people I'm suicidal. I'm taken seriously, but maybe not seriously enough. I'm so confused by how I feel. It's one big contradiction. I don't want anyone to get in the way of my plans, but at the same time, I wish someone could save me from myself.
I'm constantly having to remind my therapist I do feel suicidal, for example. She believes me, but I manage to also appear appropriately stable and safe. So I always get to go home, and she has no doubt she'll see me again in a week. I was always told they're supposed to be trained to recognize incongruent affect, but I guess she was absent that day. Lucky me.
My best friend has known for a long time and is very concerned. He checks on me regularly to make sure I'm ok. But at the same time, he trusts me to self report when it's really bad, and I often do not. Or I say I'm feeling better than I really am. And he believes me.
Depression makes me a liar, and I hate myself for that.
The thing is, even if I say I'm 9-10 on the suicide scale, people will argue that a hospital isn't a good idea. Everyone always talks about being involuntarily committed left and right and not being able to tell the truth about how they feel, but it's like I have the opposite problem. It's so weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the Twilight Zone.
I'm actually really scared. I don't think I'm safe. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I feel like I'm living with a murderer, but what can you do when the enemy is yourself? I have a strong urge to run away, but I can't run away from myself.
I'm not sure how I'm still managing to function. I always think it's glaringly obvious that I'm not alright to anyone who interacts with me, but apparently I'm a pretty good actress. Most people honestly don't have a clue.
Someone commented the other day about how happy and calm I always am and said they wished they were more like me. I was really caught off guard by that. It was almost hilarious, because when they said that, I was in the middle of remembering how I had planned on being dead before this year ever even started and wondering if I'll see 2021.
It just really sucks. I'm not a complete idiot. Of course I don't want to be stopped and sectioned. I have always done everything I could to avoid going inpatient. But it's so frustrating to have all this pain inside and be so scared of myself, and yet have nobody see how bad I feel all the time. No amount of describing it could ever get the point across.
But really, I did this. I choose to mostly conceal it, so it's a hell I've created. Because of that, I feel like I have no right to complain. It's invisible, so it feels invalid. And it's all my fault. What did I expect?
All I really know is if they knew exactly how bad I feel, I'd never be left unattended again. But here I am, all by myself and capable of anything. I could do it right now and be in no danger of being discovered. I won't. But I could. Ain't that some shit.
