Venting Night night method - not for me :(

[Jodes]

Long depressing random rant - sorry

just gave the whole NN Megathread and links a good read, but have the same problem as many there. Difficulty finding sweet spots. (Yet Hanging is reported as highly reliable, and this seems similar? Anyway).

it doesn't help that I've started getting dizzy a lot, making the NN method a LOT harder to get right, especially since it affects my vision too. Even more shitty is the dizzyness rules out my third method, jumping, since it stops me driving there now.

So. My fat sodding neck! I found the pulse either side of the chrachea. After two one hour sessions of prodding my neck in every which way, which was tiring and left me , a bit sore and red. only had one moment where I am pretty sure I hit the sweet spot.

Not encouraging to say the least, if I don't want to be part brain dead forever.

So now I can't do it away from where family will find me. I'll have to use the argon exit bag method. At the very least they will have the whole paramedic scene, probably a whole load of difficult questions.

And I'm really now getting desperate to go, and totaly sure I want to. But now it would hurt others more. This dilemma brings home the total hurt I will be inflicting too.

I would just love a nice room to myself for a few days, with affairs in order, so I can finally have an attempt.

I haven't even attempted yet! In a loooong time. 6 years. It makes me uneasy that I'm so unfamiliar with my current survival instinct. But from past experiences, my guilt will stop me in the last seconds - it's stronger now than in the past, so SI will probably give me a guilt-soaked epiphany to keep my going for a while longer.

 

[Sickman75]

can you get a motel room when the time comes for a few days? The exit bag seems to be a great method compared to the alternatives.
guilt is one bad MF and its something that Im dealing with as well. I think I will make a letter or two. which probably wont help/

 

[Jodes]

can you get a motel room when the time comes for a few days? The exit bag seems to be a great method compared to the alternatives.
guilt is one bad MF and its something that Im dealing with as well. I think I will make a letter or two. which probably wont help/

Thanks. I will need to do a letter to get it out my system as hard as it will be to say what I mean. I'm sure it'll prompt me to do a few more final errands too. I just haven't been able to put pen to paper yet.

The argon tank is a bit big, so would need to find something to carry it in discreetly, maybe pretend it's heliem, take balloons and say I'm on my way to a party and I'm bringing it cos I get a discount at work or something.

But the whole sort of charade ok thanks hotel - messing about, planning stories. involving any sort of such a public place. planning and sticking to a date. putting a lot of money into a single attempt (and maybe not even that far). And finally, it would just feel like even more of a betrayal to do it there (but I can't work out why).

Today I'm so fed up, it really is one problem after another with my health and I've still got a long way to go. My partner often says "maybe I can still have a bit more time with you" and I just feel like crying half the time. So I'm more torn than ever, and more likely to do wreckless things. Most of the time I think being impulsive us the only way I'll CTB and so I invite it. Prepare myself, waiting for a strong enough impulse. Then I have to weather timings where others might blame themselves.I guess I'm pretty selfish but I'm trying my best. I think. Am I kidding myself?? God I hate myself! Rhetorical question please no need to answer!!

So it's looking like a longer ride than I hoped. I'm sore and tired but I don't think it's over just yet.

Thanks for reading my rants and offering support @Sickman75 and others. My thoughts are with everyone while I'm not too busy thinking about myself and being a moany fucking bastard!!

 

[Sickman75]

There's alot to take in on this. What if I Asked this question .what if you told your partner the truth about the helium?