Help Next week is it. Thoughts on plan?

[stilhavinightmares]

No more birthdays for a few weeks, no more big family or friend events/plans, and my job protection ends today. I am waiting for my current prescriber to return from vacation to see if ECT or ketamine is a possibility soon, but if it's not, I cannot wait any longer. Even when I have moments of not wanting to die, I know deep down I need to try. I have everything ready. It's been ready. I've been stalling and trying my hardest not to do this to my loved ones, but I can't do it anymore. If I am going to die, I want to do it while I still have life insurance through my job, and that could very well disappear any day. I will get a hotel room and plan for Friday morning. A week from now. Unless something hopeful touches me.

Edit: If the next two days are unbearable I can do it Monday morning but I want my spouse to have a successful appointment on Tuesday. Even though she may lose this doctor when I lose our benefits. I am nervous someone will intervene before next Friday because I'll be too anxious and lose control in anticipation of it.

Just rambling. I'll keep everyone updated. SN is my method. I plan on clearing my history when I drink it but I'll stay on here until then. I don't want to feel alone. :(

Edit edit: I am actually thinking and leaning more towards doing it Monday morning. Book and check into hotel Sunday afternoon while spouse is at work.

Plan:
Fast overnight
Zofran
Numbing spray and lozenges
25g SN in 50ml water x 4 (backups)
Numbing spray, lozenges, and mints while trying to keep the SN down.

I'm debating with the ibuprofen and Prazosin (alpha blocker) - I don't want increased chance of vomiting from taking those but I was thinking taking the Prazosin can help me pass out quicker since it'll lower my BP and hopefully help the SN's effects?

Also might throw a cannabis gummy in there to chill out and possibly give me more of an antiemetic effect.

The vomiting is my biggest fear.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you are looking for. Best wishes.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you are looking for. Best wishes.

Thank you. It's been a long time coming. A long time trying to live. I hate to hurt people and I hate to draw attention to myself but I need to get better or I need to go. And the better part doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.

 

[releasespieces]

No more birthdays for a few weeks, no more big family or friend events/plans, and my job protection ends today. I am waiting for my current prescriber to return from vacation to see if ECT or ketamine is a possibility soon, but if it's not, I cannot wait any longer. Even when I have moments of not wanting to die, I know deep down I need to try. I have everything ready. It's been ready. I've been stalling and trying my hardest not to do this to my loved ones, but I can't do it anymore. If I am going to die, I want to do it while I still have life insurance through my job, and that could very well disappear any day. I will get a hotel room and plan for Friday morning. A week from now. Unless something hopeful touches me.

Edit: If the next two days are unbearable I can do it Monday morning but I want my spouse to have a successful appointment on Tuesday. Even though she may lose this doctor when I lose our benefits. I am nervous someone will intervene before next Friday because I'll be too anxious and lose control in anticipation of it.

Just rambling. I'll keep everyone updated. SN is my method. I plan on clearing my history when I drink it but I'll stay on here until then. I don't want to feel alone. :(

Edit edit: I am actually thinking and leaning more towards doing it Monday morning. Book and check into hotel Sunday afternoon while spouse is at work.

Plan:
Fast overnight
Zofran
Numbing spray and lozenges
25g SN in 50ml water x 4 (backups)
Numbing spray, lozenges, and mints while trying to keep the SN down.

I'm debating with the ibuprofen and Prazosin (alpha blocker) - I don't want increased chance of vomiting from taking those but I was thinking taking the Prazosin can help me pass out quicker since it'll lower my BP and hopefully help the SN's effects?

Also might throw a cannabis gummy in there to chill out and possibly give me more of an antiemetic effect.

The vomiting is my biggest fear.

They claim only smoking cannabis will provide an antiemetic effect and even then it's weak. Not sure about lozenges, I wouldn't swallow the liquid from sucking on them, might mess with keeping things down, dunno. Just my take on it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

They claim only smoking cannabis will provide an antiemetic effect and even then it's weak. Not sure about lozenges, I wouldn't swallow the liquid from sucking on them, might mess with keeping things down, dunno. Just my take on it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Thanks for your thoughts! I was thinking of the cannabis more to quell my anxiety but good to know they claim AE effects only when smoking. I have zofran too so I'm hoping that helps. And the backup glasses, hopefully I won't need to get them down though. Good call on the fluid from the lozenges too! It's such a toss up trying to avoid puking literal poison lol

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I don't think anyone really cares but I decided on Wednesday. Today I had my intensive outpatient program and the doctor I've been waiting to see didn't meet with me so ECT or ketamine is still very far away/him not caring or seeing any urgency still makes me not care, I had individual therapy and that didn't change my thoughts, we kind of just BSed and I successfully did not have to even lie about my plans, tomorrow is a snow day and I literally always imagined killing myself in the snow. It makes me suicidal, idk why. So Wednesday morning it will be. My wife's mom has plans with us all weekend so she can support my wife. The snow will get me in the mood, as well as the full day tomorrow of isolating. I have nothing important I feel I need to stay for. I'm just deciding if I'll get a room/air bnb or not. I would get it for Tuesday through Thursday but I can't check in until Wednesday morning because of the snowstorm. I wish I could do it in the woods at this one spot but I risk people finding me, and it's going to be snowy.

I finally feel like I can overcome SI. I'm just irritable enough and distanced enough.

 

[soysoysoy]

I hope it goes well for you, best of luck with the SN. I'm sorry you had to resort to this, but I hope you're able to find peace.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I hope it goes well for you, best of luck with the SN. I'm sorry you had to resort to this, but I hope you're able to find peace.

Thank you so much. Hopefully it works.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're leaving us

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Sorry you're leaving us

Thank you. Hugs.

 

[Hendo]

I'm sad to hear that you will go, I wish you the best of luck

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm sad to hear that you will go, I wish you the best of luck

Thank you.


Now that I have made my decision and I know my time here is coming to an end, I feel such a sense of calm. Yes, it's an escape to all the pain in my life and all future pain, but I feel at ease knowing I have helped a lot of people in my time here. People die all the time for senseless reasons, at least I will be dying by my own wish. I know that my wife will be okay eventually and has all the support in the world, and I know that she will take the best care of my soulpup. I am grateful for all the help and understanding I've been given in my time on this earth, but I am so elated to be given the chance to leave. I am ready for whatever lies beyond this life. I just need to get through tomorrow with my wife without faltering. I will blast my music in my headphones and I will fade away, hopefully without too much of a fight. I think back to my closest near-death experience and the calm and peace I felt and I long for that feeling. The rush of pure contentment washing over me. Finally free.

 

[Source Energy]

Thank you.


Now that I have made my decision and I know my time here is coming to an end, I feel such a sense of calm. Yes, it's an escape to all the pain in my life and all future pain, but I feel at ease knowing I have helped a lot of people in my time here. People die all the time for senseless reasons, at least I will be dying by my own wish. I know that my wife will be okay eventually and has all the support in the world, and I know that she will take the best care of my soulpup. I am grateful for all the help and understanding I've been given in my time on this earth, but I am so elated to be given the chance to leave. I am ready for whatever lies beyond this life. I just need to get through tomorrow with my wife without faltering. I will blast my music in my headphones and I will fade away, hopefully without too much of a fight. I think back to my closest near-death experience and the calm and peace I felt and I long for that feeling. The rush of pure contentment washing over me. Finally free.

I'll be right behind you, probably 2-3 weeks more

 

[WeepingWillow]

The cannibis gummy is a fantastic idea and may help significatly with symptoms of nausea. MAke sure to consume about an hour before hand as to allow time for it to metabolize and kick in. Best wishes to you friend and may you find your peace.

They claim only smoking cannabis will provide an antiemetic effect and even then it's weak. Not sure about lozenges, I wouldn't swallow the liquid from sucking on them, might mess with keeping things down, dunno. Just my take on it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

This has not been my experience and I don't give this much credulity but of course YMMV. Give it a test run if possible (the cannabis gummies not the SN)

 

[stilhavinightmares]

The cannibis gummy is a fantastic idea and may help significatly with symptoms of nausea. MAke sure to consume about an hour before hand as to allow time for it to metabolize and kick in. Best wishes to you friend and may you find your peace.

This has not been my experience and I don't give this much credulity but of course YMMV.

Thank you for your support and opinion!!! Now I think I will take one for sure. It can't hurt I figure, right, it'll be mostly dissolved in an hour or so, so I won't throw it up. Worth a shot.

 

[Dead Meat]

I'm so sorry your leaving but I understand, I wish you a very comfortable and pleasant journey and may you have everlasting peace and tranquility you Beautiful Soul

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm so sorry your leaving but I understand, I wish you a very comfortable and pleasant journey and may you have everlasting peace and tranquility you Beautiful Soul

Thank you sooo much

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I wish you peace I don't think I'll be far behind you

Good luck

 

[freevoid]

Hey, best of luck whatever you do/end up doing. Hope you get the rest you deserve

 

[Zegers]

Those here with some method are lucky in a way. I've noticed that being irritable/angry the SI wanes so maybe it's a good take to look for that kind of momentum. I hope to feel that calm when the time comes. Godspeed

 

[Electronic Music]

I admire your bravery, and am sorry life has been painful for you. Brighter days lie ahead now my friend, you deserve peace, I wish you the absolute best. Much love

 

[jolongone]

Hope everything goes the way you want and you find peace. Safe travels

 

[missingpeace]

No more birthdays for a few weeks, no more big family or friend events/plans, and my job protection ends today. I am waiting for my current prescriber to return from vacation to see if ECT or ketamine is a possibility soon, but if it's not, I cannot wait any longer. Even when I have moments of not wanting to die, I know deep down I need to try. I have everything ready. It's been ready. I've been stalling and trying my hardest not to do this to my loved ones, but I can't do it anymore. If I am going to die, I want to do it while I still have life insurance through my job, and that could very well disappear any day. I will get a hotel room and plan for Friday morning. A week from now. Unless something hopeful touches me.

Edit: If the next two days are unbearable I can do it Monday morning but I want my spouse to have a successful appointment on Tuesday. Even though she may lose this doctor when I lose our benefits. I am nervous someone will intervene before next Friday because I'll be too anxious and lose control in anticipation of it.

Just rambling. I'll keep everyone updated. SN is my method. I plan on clearing my history when I drink it but I'll stay on here until then. I don't want to feel alone. :(

Edit edit: I am actually thinking and leaning more towards doing it Monday morning. Book and check into hotel Sunday afternoon while spouse is at work.

Plan:
Fast overnight
Zofran
Numbing spray and lozenges
25g SN in 50ml water x 4 (backups)
Numbing spray, lozenges, and mints while trying to keep the SN down.

I'm debating with the ibuprofen and Prazosin (alpha blocker) - I don't want increased chance of vomiting from taking those but I was thinking taking the Prazosin can help me pass out quicker since it'll lower my BP and hopefully help the SN's effects?

Also might throw a cannabis gummy in there to chill out and possibly give me more of an antiemetic effect.

The vomiting is my biggest fear.

Take a painkiller as well in case of headache, 600mg ibuprofen

 

[ctbsurvivor<3]

Since your activity says you were last active this afternoon, I'm assuming you're still with us. If so, I hope you're doing alright.
I'm actually a little relieved since it seems like you have a loving relationship with your wife and I imagine losing you would be very hard for her. My partner and I are struggling financially and both suffer from depression but I know I'd 1000% rather rough it with him than lose him or put him through my loss.
If you stick with your plans, I wish a swift and painless passing and for you to find the rest you're seeking. It's your decision in the end and you know your situation far better than I do, but your decision isn't made in a vacuum, it'll be hard on your wife no matter what.
Maybe hang on a little longer though to see if there's any chance of getting the meds you need (through legal or not so legal methods if necessary).
Regardless, sending you good vibes whether you're around to read this or not