Venting Newish on here - depressed suicidal rant

[lifeisadream]

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm rubbish at opening up having endured years of no one listening to me when I've tried talking about my suicidal thoughts. My voice carelessly discarded & stamped on.

For years my ex insisted I wasn't depressed. He kept telling me it was simply a bad day. How many thousands of bad days did he think a person could have? Eventually I landed in headcase hotel where the psychiatrist promptly told me the magical cure was to have kids. Telling a severely depressed/bipolar person who can't take care of themselves to have kids was grossly negligent. Then came the happy pills which were handed out like sweets. If I took their desired 700mg of quetiapine I wouldn't function. But do they care?

Waking each day is painful. I hate the endless cycle of hurt, relentless blackness & bleakness. I want to get off this merry go land that is called life, a life that I didn't ask for. I wish there was a nighty night death fairy that would visit during sleep, wave their magic wand & drain life from my body. If only it was that simple.

I've realised no one in my life understands the mental torture & I feel trapped inside my mind with no one to help unravel my thoughts. When I've plucked up the courage to speak out about how I'm feeling I'm told suicide is selfish or cowardly; those people are selfish for wanting to inflict yet more pain on my fragile mind.

As weird as this sounds, I get more comfort from my cats who snuggle up to me when I lay on the sofa crying. They instinctively know & sense my suffering. If only I knew what their meows meant & I hope it's not just them saying feed me.

I've now realised that for whatever time I choose to have left, I'd like to be on here with people who won't judge, berate or insist that I'm merely having a bad day. People who do take time to listen.

Hopefully one day I'll be returned to the universe as star dust.

Anyway, thank you for reading my ramblings.

 

[lionetta12]

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm rubbish at opening up having endured years of no one listening to me when I've tried talking about my suicidal thoughts. My voice carelessly discarded & stamped on.

For years my ex insisted I wasn't depressed. He kept telling me it was simply a bad day. How many thousands of bad days did he think a person could have? Eventually I landed in headcase hotel where the psychiatrist promptly told me the magical cure was to have kids. Telling a severely depressed/bipolar person who can't take care of themselves to have kids was grossly negligent. Then came the happy pills which were handed out like sweets. If I took their desired 700mg of quetiapine I wouldn't function. But do they care?

Waking each day is painful. I hate the endless cycle of hurt, relentless blackness & bleakness. I want to get off this merry go land that is called life, a life that I didn't ask for. I wish there was a nighty night death fairy that would visit during sleep, wave their magic wand & drain life from my body. If only it was that simple.

I've realised no one in my life understands the mental torture & I feel trapped inside my mind with no one to help unravel my thoughts. When I've plucked up the courage to speak out about how I'm feeling I'm told suicide is selfish or cowardly; those people are selfish for wanting to inflict yet more pain on my fragile mind.

As weird as this sounds, I get more comfort from my cats who snuggle up to me when I lay on the sofa crying. They instinctively know & sense my suffering. If only I knew what their meows meant & I hope it's not just them saying feed me.

I've now realised that for whatever time I choose to have left, I'd like to be on here with people who won't judge, berate or insist that I'm merely having a bad day. People who do take time to listen.

Hopefully one day I'll be returned to the universe as star dust.

Anyway, thank you for reading my ramblings.

As a therapist, telling someone to make such a big desicion as of to have kids and that that would cure your issues? That's literally insane and very unethical, can't believe that anyone would say something like that to someone who is struggling and that needs help. And 700 mg of quetiapine? You'd just be turned into an insufferable zombie.

 

[noalarms]

As weird as this sounds, I get more comfort from my cats who snuggle up to me when I lay on the sofa crying. They instinctively know & sense my suffering. If only I knew what their meows meant & I hope it's not just them saying feed me.

I have the same feeling with my dog. I have read before that people who struggle to form relationships with others can do so more easily with animals.

 

[lifeisadream]

As a therapist, telling someone to make such a big desicion as of to have kids and that that would cure your issues? That's literally insane and very unethical, can't believe that anyone would say something like that to someone who is struggling and that needs help. And 700 mg of quetiapine? You'd just be turned into an insufferable zombie.

Needless to say, I didn't take their advice. You're right, I was a total zombie pumping myself with that amount of pills. I only take 100 mg, not that they do anything!

Thank you for replying.

 

[Wormfood]

You're feelings are valid. You are valid. It's a crazy miserable world.

 

[Sad_Sack]

As weird as this sounds, I get more comfort from my cats who snuggle up to me when I lay on the sofa crying. They instinctively know & sense my suffering. If only I knew what their meows meant & I hope it's not just them saying feed me.

Your cats love you in there own way. There is a stray cat in our neigh or hood that we've been feeding and petting. I opened the door the other day and she came running from across the street meowing in her weird hoarse little voice she has the whole way. I though ok she's hungry and got some temptations for her. she just sniffed the pike and sent back to meowing and rubbing against me. She spent the next half hour running her teeth on my hand and meowing and just wanting to be affectionate. There minds are different than ours but they definitely habe their own version of love.

 

[lifeisadream]

Your cats love you in there own way. There is a stray cat in our neigh or hood that we've been feeding and petting. I opened the door the other day and she came running from across the street meowing in her weird hoarse little voice she has the whole way. I though ok she's hungry and got some temptations for her. she just sniffed the pike and sent back to meowing and rubbing against me. She spent the next half hour running her teeth on my hand and meowing and just wanting to be affectionate. There minds are different than ours but they definitely habe their own version of love.

That's a lovely story. Cats do care; maybe I'll come back as one & bring comfort to a human in their hour of need.

 

[CTB Dream]

Sorry life made suffer this really terrible, people not inderstand think depress not exist all think superficial not see inside real soory, this what therapy say real disgusting kid make cure lie this humans really disgusting awful species wabt reproduce no matter what , sorry have this

also welcome

 

[lifeisadream]

Sorry life made suffer this really terrible, people not inderstand think depress not exist all think superficial not see inside real soory, this what therapy say real disgusting kid make cure lie this humans really disgusting awful species wabt reproduce no matter what , sorry have this

also welcome

Thank you for your kindness, really appreciated. Think only people suffering too truly understand. Sick of being given medication from the "normal" people who think it's the answer to everything.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wanting to escape from this life are understandable. It's best to take no notice of those who could never understand, they are not the ones who are living your life after all. I'm also tired of existing in this world and nothing could bring me real relief from the tiredness that I feel. I know that it's so dreadful having to endure an existence that is just constant suffering and having to carry on existing when all that you want is to be gone.
I wish you freedom.

 

[Hollowillow]

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm rubbish at opening up having endured years of no one listening to me when I've tried talking about my suicidal thoughts. My voice carelessly discarded & stamped on.

For years my ex insisted I wasn't depressed. He kept telling me it was simply a bad day. How many thousands of bad days did he think a person could have? Eventually I landed in headcase hotel where the psychiatrist promptly told me the magical cure was to have kids. Telling a severely depressed/bipolar person who can't take care of themselves to have kids was grossly negligent. Then came the happy pills which were handed out like sweets. If I took their desired 700mg of quetiapine I wouldn't function. But do they care?

Waking each day is painful. I hate the endless cycle of hurt, relentless blackness & bleakness. I want to get off this merry go land that is called life, a life that I didn't ask for. I wish there was a nighty night death fairy that would visit during sleep, wave their magic wand & drain life from my body. If only it was that simple.

I've realised no one in my life understands the mental torture & I feel trapped inside my mind with no one to help unravel my thoughts. When I've plucked up the courage to speak out about how I'm feeling I'm told suicide is selfish or cowardly; those people are selfish for wanting to inflict yet more pain on my fragile mind.

As weird as this sounds, I get more comfort from my cats who snuggle up to me when I lay on the sofa crying. They instinctively know & sense my suffering. If only I knew what their meows meant & I hope it's not just them saying feed me.

I've now realised that for whatever time I choose to have left, I'd like to be on here with people who won't judge, berate or insist that I'm merely having a bad day. People who do take time to listen.

Hopefully one day I'll be returned to the universe as star dust.

Anyway, thank you for reading my ramblings.

I feel for you I feel the same. But without caring cats and add physical pain. I can't take it anymore. I don't know how to be free in my mind after a much psychological violence I was told. Yesterday they broke me even further. I hope we will escape best wishes to you.

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

Can't imagine what that amount of Quetiapine would make you feel like. The most i've ever been on was 50mg and that would knock me out within 20 minutes for 10 hours plus, which was okay sometimes as it gave me a quick escape to unconsciousness, but made me feel like a zombie in the waking hours.

Some doctors just want to pump you full of drugs to make you such a zombie that you'll be too out of it to attempt suicide.