Venting Newbie - I Suck

[FITALL]

I have been lurking here for about a year now...this is my first post....and frankly I am not even sure why I am posting...
I feel lost....trapped....lost and trapped (if that's even possible). I have struggled with drug addiction my whole life....
Lost my spouse, career and nearly my freedom because of it...was forced to get clean, lost my mother to cancer a couple months later.
Currently going through a nasty divorce....losing the only person I ever really loved. My father has found a new girlfriend (I am happy for him) but isn't really part of my life anymore.
The pain is unbearable....the guilt, the shame -- all of it is more than I can mentally handle.
i just don't/can't continue living with the pain anymore....

However, I have 2 beautiful, young children. They are amazing....I also have another family member that means the world to me.
I am so worried about how my suicide will affect their lives....even now, as i type this...my kids are laughing and playing in the other room.
I only have them part-time...what kind of POS parent sits around researching suicide while their kids play in the other room?

I know my kids will be better off without me...but I don't want to screw up their lives....

Thanks for listening....

 

[Ghost2211]

Hi, welcome. I'm typing this while I sit with my baby while he plays in the bath. Being a parent doesn't mean you aren't human. I'm sorry you're suffering. It sounds like a lot has happened close together.

Im here if you need a friend, and another parent to talk to.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Love..Ur situation sounds very painful..So sorry about the loss of ur mom, on top of all the other losses. U can get another home, career, n even spouse..it may b difficult but not impossible..Ur not a POS for being here contemplating ctb with ur children in the next room..Ur a hurting person..we r here for u..

 

[revenge88]

take care xxxx

 

[enjoy]

sending peace and hugs your way. mental illness isn't picky. it'll choose anyone no matter what their situation is.

if it's any solace, your kids love you. use the time you have to be with them as much as you can. if you end up ctb, at least they'll have the memories.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Sorry to hear all those things, one after another.
I'm a single parent, with a child at home, and I'm going to CTB, obviously when they are not here.
Feel free to drop me a PM, happy to chat to you. I understand the guilt. Its really suffocating
❤

 

[Epsilon0]

....even now, as i type this...my kids are laughing and playing in the other room.


That's heavy stuff @FITALL
My heart goes out to you.

Welcome to the forum. Perhaps you will be able to find a shred of hope here, or maybe a sympathetic ear when you are drowing in pain and need to vent. I was also a longtime lurker before joing, and I can tell you that since joining, the forum has offered me a bit of comfort on many dark nights.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you lost your mother to cancer, and for all the other suffering you've endured. Your kids are not better off without you. It sounds like you care so much for them. I hope you find the strength to be able to live. They need you.

 

[FITALL]

if it's any solace, your kids love you. use the time you have to be with them as much as you can. if you end up ctb, at least they'll have the memories.

True...I hope and pray everyday that they will at least know/remember how much they meant to me.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I know my kids will be better off without me...but I don't want to screw up their lives....

U seem like a very loving parent. So what makes u think ur babies will b better off without you?

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

You're typing this because you're ready to share the burden, and that's a good thing.

There are plenty of people here to talk with and we're very good listeners.

Losses, especially those that pile up on on top of another, cut so deeply. They tear at our very soul and leave us wanting anything, anything at all to make the pain stop. But wanting the pain to stop is not the same thing as wanting to end your life.

I wonder if listening to your children is enough to downshift you from wanting to ctb to just wanting the pain to stop. They need you.

There is tons to read here, as you know. Lots of us are around at all hours of the day and night to share your thoughts with.

Welcome. Whatever you decide, you are safe here.

 

[FITALL]

U seem like a very loving parent. So what makes u think ur babies will b better off without you?

I could provide many logical arguments to this question. However, if I am being completely honest, then the real answer is probably that saying so helps me justify my decision. Anyone I have ever spoken to regarding this makes me feel selfish. Well guess what, I already feel bad enough without adding on another layer of guilt. So, maybe I am selfish...but regardless, that doesn't make getting up and facing yet another dreadful day any easier.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Ur absolutely right..I can't imagine how hard it must b for u to come to that decision..Sending love n strength

 

[Iloveyouall]

even now, as i type this...my kids are laughing and playing in the other room.

As @Epsilon0 said, that's heavy stuff. I feel you my friend.

what kind of POS parent sits around researching suicide while their kids play in the other room?

Those who are in pain, like you are, you have the right to, you're human after all. It doesn't mean you're a bad father.

Easy to say but don't feel guilty for being in pain, it can happen to anyone, no one is safe.

Welcome to this place. I really hope it'll help you recover from your suffering.

 

[FITALL]

I wonder if listening to your children is enough to downshift you from wanting to ctb to just wanting the pain to stop.

There isn't much that provokes deep thought within me. However, I haven't stopped thinking about this one line since reading it.
I will be completely honest, my first thought was - there's NO f'ng difference between the two!!!!
But, the more I think about it, the more unsure I am...

I have never felt good in my own skin, hence my addiction/self-medicating issues.
I am in my 40s and have been on drugs for 30 years (since my early teens). However, the shit really hit the fan ~2.5 years ago.
In the beginning I probably just wanted the pain to end. But now, I think I've just finally come to the realization that it won't.
It should have (at least) gotten better, but it's only gotten worse (in terms of how I feel).

Isn't that what most of us want? But we eventually get sick of waiting? Or we lose hope and realize nothing will change and the pain won't end?

Not sure why this particular comment has me thinking so much, lol....
but I am curious @UpandDownPrincess - what do you see as the difference between the two?

 

[itsmeagain]

Sweetie... I lost my mother to suicide. I was about 15 at the time and let me tell you, it doesn't get easier for your children. It's so hard that you've been through all of this pain and harshness, it's just absolutely unthinkable. My fellow members here are right; you are just human and that doesn't mean that you have to stow away how you feel.

The choice is entirely yours, nobody is hereto push or shove you either way.

But... being a kid and losing a parent is one of the hardest things in your life. WIth vistation going andseeing them less and less it can be a bit less of a shock, but you know, it's very difficult to say how it would go either way.

If you really wish to take your life, Ithink you should use thesearch bar after choosing one of thetopics and searching for things such as methods, and the keyword children to see if you wish to know how other parents/children deal with each others' suicides.

If you wish to try lots of things, I believe you should go to the recovery thread. Look around, really see how other peopleare still standing here today. Some people simply self medicate a little bit with weird combinations of things, some try mushrooms, some do some very dangerous things to make them feel alive, some people have found articles about some people microdosing with LSD and things of the like. I don't know how this would be to someone who's trying to soberup, but perhaps it could make things easier--or more difficult.

There's a thread up about the mushrooms and things I replied to, you can check my activity in my profile to find it.

You are human. You're not a monster and you're not a disgrace. You're struggling so hard with beyond imaginable grief as so much of us are. We truly are some of the most suffered people in the world on this site. You are not alone.

 

[Pryras]

I hear you and understand you, if you need a listening ear then you're always welcome to vent when you needa. You're here now, after all the loss you've dealt with, it can feel unbearable because we so often focus on the pain and not the very brief moments of joy. Your children are your world and even for the brief moments you see them for, I'm sure it is something to hold on to, to see them smile and be present with them

 

[Pan]

Don't lurk—you are a special person who needs to speak and be heard. Let the world go; find your talent and expand on it.