Venting New twisted SI symptoms

[CantDoIt]

So this morning, after having decided to definitely ctb sometime next year, I got the most horrible SI symptoms....this time, my SI started telling me that I would go to hell (I'm not a Christian) or that my next life reincarnation would give me something way worse than what I'm going through now. I started imagining deaths from horror movies I had seen and people in way worse situations than me with scary conditions and other problems and my SI told me I would have to suffer in the next life (if there is one) and I got really scared. I started imagining being buried alive or burned in a furnace or all of these horrible things. I don't want to be punished anymore.
I have chosen to ctb but I don't want intrusive thoughts coming in the final moments before I go and I do not have access to Benzos. I get that I have been am asshole in this life but I can't go on and then to think about being punished with pain and suffering is horrible...indeed, even to think about punishing myself by choosing a reincarnation that is painful. IDK I know it's silly.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful what you go through, it truly is such a cruel existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[almost dead mota]

So this morning, after having decided to definitely ctb sometime next year, I got the most horrible SI symptoms....this time, my SI started telling me that I would go to hell (I'm not a Christian) or that my next life reincarnation would give me something way worse than what I'm going through now. I started imagining deaths from horror movies I had seen and people in way worse situations than me with scary conditions and other problems and my SI told me I would have to suffer in the next life (if there is one) and I got really scared. I started imagining being buried alive or burned in a furnace or all of these horrible things. I don't want to be punished anymore.
I have chosen to ctb but I don't want intrusive thoughts coming in the final moments before I go and I do not have access to Benzos. I get that I have been am asshole in this life but I can't go on and then to think about being punished with pain and suffering is horrible...indeed, even to think about punishing myself by choosing a reincarnation that is painful. IDK I know it's silly.

Imagine going to sleep and never to wake up, that's death. Now imagine waking up having never gone to sleep, that's birth. It's the same thing, life implies death and they are the same thing viewed from it's different sides. There is no afterlife or reincarnation this wouldn't make any sense just think about how you are just and idea, your ego doesn't equate to reality, what you believe to be the thinker of thoughts is just one of the thoughts. Now that's not to rest value to life, consciousness and human experience but that's another topic. There's no need to be afraid, it's just like going back to were you weren't born yet and how do you remember that to feel? Exactly.

 

[CantDoIt]

Imagine going to sleep and never to wake up, that's death. Now imagine waking up having never gone to sleep, that's birth. It's the same thing, life implies death and they are the same thing viewed from it's different sides. There is no afterlife or reincarnation this wouldn't make any sense just think about how you are just and idea, your ego doesn't equate to reality, what you believe to be the thinker of thoughts is just one of the thoughts. Now that's not to rest value to life, consciousness and human experience but that's another topic. There's no need to be afraid, it's just like going back to were you weren't born yet and how do you remember that to feel? Exactly.

Yeah, it was so weird just randomly coming into being like that... suddenly I was there and of course before that there was nothing. It's one of the most incomprehensible things ever. To return to that is also incomprehensible because it doesn't have a feeling to describe it. If sleep is comforting to me then I don't know why death can't be viewed as the same.

 

[almost dead mota]

Yeah, it was so weird just randomly coming into being like that... suddenly I was there and of course before that there was nothing. It's one of the most incomprehensible things ever. To return to that is also incomprehensible because it doesn't have a feeling to describe it. If sleep is comforting to me then I don't know why death can't be viewed as the same.

You don't return to that because it doesn't exist, it's just a concept. It's like nothing, nothing doesn't exist you can't have nothing, yet for something to exist you need to have nothing you need space, you need contrast. Things don't come out of nothing neither does nothing arrise from something. They are the same but you see this is just a concept. You can't have two sides if there isn't a spectator to conceptualize that. It's better if you back off a bit from viewing the world through symbolisms. Because you wouldn't want to be afraid of the lion's shadow (death) as opposed to the actual lion (life).

 

[CantDoIt]

You don't return to that because it doesn't exist, it's just a concept. It's like nothing, nothing doesn't exist you can't have nothing, yet for something to exist you need to have nothing you need space, you need contrast. Things don't come out of nothing neither does nothing arrise from something. They are the same but you see this is just a concept. You can't have two sides if there isn't a spectator to conceptualize that. It's better if you back off a bit from viewing the world through symbolisms. Because you wouldn't want to be afraid of the lion's shadow (death) as opposed to the actual lion (life).

Thanks for this perspective, I never thought of it that way but you are totally correct.