New to SS and Nervous to make my first post...

[Lfs104459]

I've been here, lurking and learning, for a few days and decided it is finally time for me to make my first post. Please forgive any mistakes I make while writing this. I've read the rules and FAQ at least four times but my anxiety still tells me I am not ready to post here. I just keep telling myself you're all so willing to offer support and answer questions and, in a way, I guess this post is for myself to finally put into words what has been bothering me so much.

For some background, I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I've made three attempts (all failed, obviously) when I was in college and was recently put into a facility for suicide watch (worst experience ever). For the longest time, I thought things were manageable but lately something inside me just "snapped". Now, I can't get my mind off ctb. I stumbled upon this site while looking for resources.

I'm currently in the preparation phase since my passing would leave my husband with some financial debt that I need to take care of first. The guilt of leaving is also weighing heavily on my heart. I have a very loving family and my husband adores me. He fears for my life right now (understandable) but he doesn't understand how unbearable life has gotten for me. Every single day I wake up dreading life. I have a constant mantra of "I hate my life" running through my head even though I look completely normal on the outside. How is it fair for me to stay in this hell even if those around me are begging me to stay? They have no idea the darkness that surrounds me on a daily basis. Just living a "normal" life exhausts me to my core.

I know there are many people in my life that would be upset if I go through with this and that guilt is eating me alive. How do I explain to them how horrible life has become? How do I make them understand that it isn't their fault but just something wrong with me? My mind is so scattered right now and I know I am not fully ready to ctb. I have so much to do beforehand: letters to write, financials to get in order, make sure my plan is going to work, research and research until my eyes bleed.

I guess the point of this post is to find others who are struggling with guilt associated with leaving their family when they seemingly have nothing to die for. Does any of that make sense?

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Welcome! I hope the site is resourceful, and uplifting. We all could use that around here. I'm in the same boat with my wife currently. I don't think your significant other will ever come to the terms with the thoughts you have. I have tried many ways to get through to my wife. It ends up turning into an argument. She paints the picture of me not loving her. I'm clearing debt right now as well. I also would like her mom to be down here so she wasn't alone. I understand why she thinks the way she does 100%. Unfortunately she doesn't listen to what I tell her. But I've learned that's my life, and I can't change what people truly think, and I don't try anymore because it's not worth the fights. We'll always be here, and without judgement on a right that's truly yours.

 

[MaybeSoon]

Hey, I was nervous to post and lurked before I signed up to, but everyone is kind and understanding here.

As for dealing with guilt of leaving people behind, I personally think it's impossible unless you hate them all and don't care.

The closest I've come to soothing myself is the thought that when I'm dead I wont have to worry about it, which sounds harsh but it's all I've come up with.

 

[Lfs104459]

Welcome! I hope the site is resourceful, and uplifting. We all could use that around here. I'm in the same boat with my wife currently. I don't think your significant other will ever come to the terms with the thoughts you have. I have tried many ways to get through to my wife. It ends up turning into an argument. She paints the picture of me not loving her. I'm clearing debt right now as well. I also would like her mom to be down here so she wasn't alone. I understand why she thinks the way she does 100%. Unfortunately she doesn't listen to what I tell her. But I've learned that's my life, and I can't change what people truly think, and I don't try anymore because it's not worth the fights. We'll always be here, and without judgement on a right that's truly yours.

Thank you for the warm welcome. It's so refreshing to meet someone who understands the frustrations of having a significant other who doesn't understand. My husband has also claimed I must not love him if I would be willing to go forward with my plans, but it is quite the opposite. It's hard to explain to another person. Perhaps it is time for me to stop trying to make him understand and just hope he can forgive me when I am gone.

The closest I've come to soothing myself is the thought that when I'm dead I wont have to worry about it, which sounds harsh but it's all I've come up with.

That is quite true and, not so strangely, is comforting. At the last moment, it will all be over--emotions and all. In a way, that is the most glorious thing about it all--to feel nothing.

 

[enjoy]

hey! we don't bite. welcome to ss! there's something here for everyone. feel free to pm me if you need help or anything!

 

[Epsilon0]

Welcome to SS!

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

Welcome!

 

[Nowilltolive90]

Welcome! I felt guilty for a while but in the end it's pointless, no matter how much you prepare no matter what letters you leave behind you cannot change how the ones you leave behind are going to feel and you won't feel any guilt after your gone so be at peace with it. Also think about if you're mistaking guilt for willingness to live. Hope you enjoy your time here

 

[Anon2662]

Welcome! :) I'm pretty new too but already finding this place so helpful. I totally understand what you mean. I feel guilty for leaving my family hurting, but I've endured years of hurting for their sake. I feel it's time to think about me and what I need now. I'm also researching and researching and trying to get finances in order. If you ever need to talk, I'm here :)

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

Welcome!

Welcome! I felt guilty for a while but in the end it's pointless, no matter how much you prepare no matter what letters you leave behind you cannot change how the ones you leave behind are going to feel and you won't feel any guilt after your gone so be at peace with it. Also think about if you're mistaking guilt for willingness to live. Hope you enjoy your time here

Well said.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Welcome to the forum

 

[exhausted]

Welcome

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Welcome you will find a supportive community here

 

[Quarky00]

Welcome

If you wanna ctb leave this place asap . People too nice , you wouldn't wanna die! It's horrible. Next ctb I'm going elsewhere . Breakfast is ok . *Quarky rates SS on TripAdvisor*

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Welcome and relax, nobody would judge you

 

[Lfs104459]

Welcome! I felt guilty for a while but in the end it's pointless, no matter how much you prepare no matter what letters you leave behind you cannot change how the ones you leave behind are going to feel and you won't feel any guilt after your gone so be at peace with it. Also think about if you're mistaking guilt for willingness to live. Hope you enjoy your time here

That's a thought I've pondered over the last few months. Maybe there is a part of me that still wants to continue on and hopes for a better future. That is one reason why I know I am not fully ready. I think once I feel fully at peace, no guilt, and no fear I will know it is the right time.

Thank you all for the warm welcomes. I definitely feel the sense of community other members have talked about.

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

I've been here, lurking and learning, for a few days and decided it is finally time for me to make my first post. Please forgive any mistakes I make while writing this. I've read the rules and FAQ at least four times but my anxiety still tells me I am not ready to post here. I just keep telling myself you're all so willing to offer support and answer questions and, in a way, I guess this post is for myself to finally put into words what has been bothering me so much.

For some background, I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I've made three attempts (all failed, obviously) when I was in college and was recently put into a facility for suicide watch (worst experience ever). For the longest time, I thought things were manageable but lately something inside me just "snapped". Now, I can't get my mind off ctb. I stumbled upon this site while looking for resources.

I'm currently in the preparation phase since my passing would leave my husband with some financial debt that I need to take care of first. The guilt of leaving is also weighing heavily on my heart. I have a very loving family and my husband adores me. He fears for my life right now (understandable) but he doesn't understand how unbearable life has gotten for me. Every single day I wake up dreading life. I have a constant mantra of "I hate my life" running through my head even though I look completely normal on the outside. How is it fair for me to stay in this hell even if those around me are begging me to stay? They have no idea the darkness that surrounds me on a daily basis. Just living a "normal" life exhausts me to my core.

I know there are many people in my life that would be upset if I go through with this and that guilt is eating me alive. How do I explain to them how horrible life has become? How do I make them understand that it isn't their fault but just something wrong with me? My mind is so scattered right now and I know I am not fully ready to ctb. I have so much to do beforehand: letters to write, financials to get in order, make sure my plan is going to work, research and research until my eyes bleed.

I guess the point of this post is to find others who are struggling with guilt associated with leaving their family when they seemingly have nothing to die for. Does any of that make sense?

I fully relate to all of this. I am so sorry that you are living this torture.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Welcome!

Welcome

If you wanna ctb leave this place asap . People too nice , you wouldn't wanna die! It's horrible! Next ctb I'm going elsewhere for sure . Breakfast ok . *Quarky rates SS on TripAdvisor*

Not up to your usual penthouse standards eh?

 

[Quarky00]

Not up to your usual penthouse standards eh?

Oh God . I just had moment of utter serenity remembering that . All a dream .

 

[TAW122]

Welcome to the forum, @Lfs104459 and as far as the people around you not feeling guilty, well that's a really difficult thing to achieve as people will always feel some sort of responsibility (even if there isn't any) and guilt from your passing. It is inevitable, but one thing that may help them get better or ease their pain would be to write a note briefly explaining your decision and offering words of comfort. Beyond that, there is much you can do.

 

[Jean Améry]

No need to be nervous, we don't bite .

I'm sorry to hear you feel so horribly. Your concerns regarding family are relatable: for me it's my three little nephews, a great-aunt and my godson that keep me here. For now. It's irrational certainly but they love me. What can I say...

 

[Lostandfound7]

Welcome to the fam, my Love

 

[voyager]

Welcome, hope you find much comfort here. Don't worry about being new or the anxiety, I have it too, as do many others here. We might seem like strangers to you, but that'll pass quick and you can't really say anything wrong here.

As for your question, yes, again many here suffer from the same limbo. I do too. Thing is I let my illness fester, and to be honest don't feel anything anymore. I'm numb. So, really it's more good manners and obligations why I'm still around (for my mum). Life like this is meaningless and haven't had any success explaining the situation to her either. Which is why I'll ultimately do what is appropriate, not what's right.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Which is why I'll ultimately do what is appropriate, not what's right.

That distinction resonates. I detect integrity in it. I can respect and identify with that.

 

[randomz]

I've been here, lurking and learning, for a few days and decided it is finally time for me to make my first post. Please forgive any mistakes I make while writing this. I've read the rules and FAQ at least four times but my anxiety still tells me I am not ready to post here. I just keep telling myself you're all so willing to offer support and answer questions and, in a way, I guess this post is for myself to finally put into words what has been bothering me so much.

For some background, I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I've made three attempts (all failed, obviously) when I was in college and was recently put into a facility for suicide watch (worst experience ever). For the longest time, I thought things were manageable but lately something inside me just "snapped". Now, I can't get my mind off ctb. I stumbled upon this site while looking for resources.

I'm currently in the preparation phase since my passing would leave my husband with some financial debt that I need to take care of first. The guilt of leaving is also weighing heavily on my heart. I have a very loving family and my husband adores me. He fears for my life right now (understandable) but he doesn't understand how unbearable life has gotten for me. Every single day I wake up dreading life. I have a constant mantra of "I hate my life" running through my head even though I look completely normal on the outside. How is it fair for me to stay in this hell even if those around me are begging me to stay? They have no idea the darkness that surrounds me on a daily basis. Just living a "normal" life exhausts me to my core.

I know there are many people in my life that would be upset if I go through with this and that guilt is eating me alive. How do I explain to them how horrible life has become? How do I make them understand that it isn't their fault but just something wrong with me? My mind is so scattered right now and I know I am not fully ready to ctb. I have so much to do beforehand: letters to write, financials to get in order, make sure my plan is going to work, research and research until my eyes bleed.

I guess the point of this post is to find others who are struggling with guilt associated with leaving their family when they seemingly have nothing to die for. Does any of that make sense?

Welcome and sorry you are here. I can relate to your situation on so many levels..... Have you tried everything that there is in order to change your prespective on life? Going to different docotrs, picking up hobbies, changing your environment (moving to another city, getting a new job, etc...)? I know what it is to live with severe anxiety and depression but still.... if there is a way to help ourselves, I think we should try it.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Just wanted to add a quick welcome.

There are so many resources here. I found it was worth my while to read everything before making my final decision about a method or means or timing. There's a lot to think about.

We're a very friendly community and you'll find lots of support here. But Quarky's right... we're tough to leave!